[sfbaymom2000]

Hi everyone,

I am wondering if those of you who have placements and/or have already adopted received questions from friends and family (and probably strangers, too) about the child's background and birth family. I was saying to my husband that I think we should not share that information with ANYONE else (when the time comes), not even our families. He was shocked at the thought that people might even ask, and he honestly doesn't think they will. I am sure they will, and I want to be prepared.

If you have been asked, do you have any good responses? One suggestion I have seen in adoption books is "Why do you want to know?" Another is "We don't discuss that with anyone who has not shown us their financial statements". Any other ideas of how to (hopefully politely) make it clear that the information is private?

Thanks!
Lynn

[cj416]

We only give basic info. We do not tell why she is no longer with her birthfamily. When they keep asking, and they do,we tell them it is not something we wish to share with the whole world. It is really hard sometime, bcause everyone thinks they have the right to know her whole history and we feel that is only for us to know. People might treat her different if they know everything and we don't want that.

[spaypets]

We adopted internationally and have had family and friends ask us about her background.

Usually it goes something like this:

Them: "Do you know anything about her birth parents?

Me: "Yes."

Some people get the hint, other's pry more.

Me: "That's her story and she can tell it if she wants when she's old enough to share it." When she's older, I'll say, "That's her story, she can tell you it if she wants, but of course, she values her privacy."

Sometimes I answer generally, "India is a very poor country."

No one, except my mother who traveled to India with us, knows the details of my dd's story--not because there's anything shameful--on the contrary-- but because it's _private_. I'm horrified at some aparents williness to gossip about their children.

[tlc4kidz]

I just have had to say "We could lose our license to foster if I shared that with you." Some people are persistent or ask why they are in fostercare, and I usually say "because their parents aren't able to take care of them right now (DUH)". Isn't that why ALL kids are in fostercare?! Believe it or not, that has satisfied almost everyone that's asked.

[mckenna]

sometimes i say that it is the child's story to tell. most people will not ask the child, so it usually ends there. sometimes i say, i don't have all the information or that i have the info necessary to fully take care of the child and nothing more. some people are asking to be nosey, but some really are just curious and don't mean any harm, so i try to let them know as nicely as possible that i would rather not share.

i made a bad mistake about telling a close friend about my son's bfather and that he was in jail. it was in reference to the tpr and really did not think when i said somthing about the tpr hearing and needing to rearrange things for the jails schedule. then i find out that when her son (who is barely 5) asked where my son's father was, she told him in jail. i was livid. i had not planned on telling my son this info til he was older and never thought she would share that kind of info witha 5 year old. now i am forever fearful he will mention it to my son. just be careful, you never know what can happen once that info is out there.

[FinnigansMom]

As an adoptee myself, I can tell you that people do and will ask.

My suggestion would be to say that the decision whether to share that information and with whom will be up to him/her once he/she is an adult.

[SmileMonkey]

People DO ASK, in fact, they are more concerned about that than anything else.

I'm the same as Fosterma. I usually just say that the family isn't able to take care of them right now."

[sfbaymom2000]

Thanks for all your responses!

One of the reasons I have been thinking of this is because of things I heard from my mother (when I was a child) about the birth parents of a friend of my brother (who had serious behavioral issues). I think now, as and adult, I should not know this information about that person...there is no reason for me to know.

It is one thing to learn from people's experiences anonymously on this forum, but different to know actual private information about an individual you know. I just keep thinking about this child (our future placement) being a teen and adult, and people (friends, relatives, the clerk at the grocery store) saying, "You know her birth mother was ***, and she was in foster care because ***". Even close friends or family members will be tempted to tell someone and make them promise not to tell. Then that person tells one person...then that person tells one person...

Anyway, thank you all for the input!
Lynn

[SmileMonkey]

You will learn not to be too shocked or surprised by any reaction to foster/adoptive children that you may get.

I work with a woman whose brother adopted an infant of a different race through an international adoption. On more than one occasion the they have been asked "will she always look that way?" and similar things. Ummmm, yes, her race didn't magically change when she became adopted, and why does it matter? It must be hard not to say "yes, she'll always be beautiful BUT will you always look that way?" They just smile and politely say, "yes, isn't she beautiful/"

People can be very strange and I guess one of the things we need to learn is how to make sure that the kids never feel ashamed about being in foster care or being adopted.

[Mammie]

Trust me! You will get asked!

And there will be many reasons WHY they FEEL they HAVE to KNOW any or everything in their past!

Examples: "I need to know how to deal with him." (teacher)
"What if he freaks out in class?" (Sunday School teacher)
"I need to tell the parents something" (pastor)
"What if I say the wrong thing to set him off?" (inlaws)
"Will he try something with my children?" (ex-friend)
"How did they end up with you?" (cashiers and strangers)


My husband and I have tried many things.

The truth: "I'm sorry, I am not at liberty to talk about it - we could loose our license." (Yet, some people don't deal well with honesty and try again)

Polite: "The family had to work some things out. In the meantime, we are being blessed by their company!" (Usually, most will stop here. But, we have had a few go past our boundries.)

Humor: Remember the Blues Brothers movie? We tell nosy folks "Sorry! Top secret information -we're on a mission from God!" (Of course, we get folk who never saw the movie or don't have a sense of humor!)

Ignore: Sometimes we will ignore the question and change the subject. "Ahhh yes. And what about those Detroit Tigers?" (Yet there are those folks that don't take the hint and need a two X four across the noggin!)

Intimidate: My husband does this well. If we get a really pushy person, he just pulls himself to his full height, sucks in that gut, and gives the silent glare! I don't intimidate very well...at this point, I go for the jugular. "Excuse me, but is that any of your business? How would you like it if someone aired your family skeltons to the public?"

Rude: Sometimes we have to go that route and say "Its on a need to know status and YOU don't NEED to KNOW!

[AnitaCAfostadop]

You guys really do help those of us who are in the preparation / waiting stages of placement with your wisdom. You don't know how much it means to have some hooks to hang our responses on when the questions come.

I'm already getting questions in a generic way, and don't feel any hesitancy about educating people about neglect and abuse. But i have already told friends and family to expect that they will not know anything about my girls, once they come to me. I'm adopting two sisters and I could go to match any time (hopefully sooner rather than later!). I've been in placement since January.
The waiting is hard. The girls' room feels so empty.


Anita

[joskimo]

I've been thinking a lot about disclosure and that I want to keep most private information to ourselves, not even tell family. When we started caring for our nephews 8 years ago we were young and naive and said too much and people don't forget. Now that we're looking at adopting through f/c I am going to be much more selectice about what I say. Boy I hate hearing "they are so lucky to have you", don't they understand that I'm the lucky one?

[riley6]

I give a very generic response. When people ask "Why they're in fc?" I say that most kids are in fc bc their parents need time to work on becoming a better parent for them. When I'm asked, after the adoption, why their parents lost them, I'll say that they lovingly let us adopt them, bc they knew how much we love them. If you have a non-voluntary tpr, you could say that MOST kids become available for adoption bc their parents were unable to parent a child. I would NOT give more information to ANYONE.