[Mammie]

My husband and I have a question that just makes our heart ache (as we never dreamed we would even consider the notion...)

Has anyone taken in a sibling group, and later decided that maybe one of the siblings may be better off in another foster home?

This is our current senerio:

We have three brothers (8 years, 4 years and 18 months) living with us now. There is a 6 year old sister in another foster home, and 7 month old twins living with an aunt. This is the first time any of them have been in foster care. We have been told this will be a very LONG case. We are prepared for that.

We have had the boys for 8 months. This is our first family. We wanted (and still do want) to take in siblings, as we want to keep a family together as much as possible.

The caseworker and the biological father, aunts and grandparents (on both sides) thinks we have done wonders for all three boys. (The biological mother has tried to add her own spin of problems to the situation.) Just goes to show you, you can't please everyone.

Behind the sences, my husband and I are having a lot of trouble with the 8 year old. (from talking to others on this board and from what I have read, I think we are dealing with RAD.) The 8 year old tends to hurt his brothers. He is very malniplative and takes great joy in creating turmoil. This has caused a lot of stress in the home. It also creates a problem with the personal healing process with his brothers.

Case worker says she sympathizes and has seen during visitation what he does to his siblings. Future therapy is not being reasonably considered by the powers that be, because the child 'presents well' for the most part.

Case worker also said that if we decided to release the 8 year old, the other two could continue to live in our home. Importantly, there would be no 'stain' on our record, and we could get another sib group down the road.

We ARE NOT giving up hope for the boy! We understand he has gone through a lot and has years of emotional baggage. We are not asking for perfection or society's label of 'normal'. We think he is fairly smart, has a lot of potiential, and we do reconize (and praise him for) the progress he has made.

Yet, where his younger brothers are really responding to the nurtering - growing and healing - it seems as if the oldest is 'stagnating' or refusing to be helped (for lack of better words at this time). The problem is only compounded more with weekly visits with bio mother.

Our foster son is really demanding, constantly wanting the attention - to the point where he will get physical with his little brothers - or in his own words - will "get even with us" if we don't dance to his tune. After 8 months of dealing with his games, I have to admit, we are growing a little weary.

Truly, we want the 8 year old to grow and to heal as well! He is not a monster. The are days I really enjoy having him here with us. But those days are few and far between.

We can not help but wonder if he should go to another family where he would be an 'only child' (for the attention he desparately craves) or to a family with older children (where he can't get a way with some of his emotional shananagains he pulls on the younger ones).

By removing him from our home, it would give his brothers a much needed relief from his antics, (and of course, it would be less demanding on us as well - as selfish as that sounds.)

We don't want to rush into any decision as of yet. I believe we are a bit too frazzled right now to make any logical, benefital decisions. We really don't want to give up - but I can't help but wonder if he would be better off in another home.

Has anyone else been in simular shoes?

What helped you make the clear, sensible decision?

Do you have any regrets?

Thank-you for your time!

[michellemartin]

My mom married my stepfather when I was 5. He had three older girls. I also have a younger sis, so I was number 4 in line of age. The girls had some problems at their moms home with abuse, so when they came to live with us it was a very difficult adjustment for all of us. I think I was 6-7 when they came and my sis is 2 yrs younger than me. Dont worry I'll get to my point eventually... The oldest one was TERRIBLE when no one was watching to the point of even chasing the four of us younger ones with a knife. She was verbally and physically abusive mostly though to her actual sibs. She was eventually put into a foster group home when I was about 10-11. She never "grew up" or changed, and now none of us have any contact with her. She ran off when she turned 18 and has shown up here and there, but its far between and most of the time she is on something. After she was placed in the group home, life was so much easier for all of us. We didnt have to wake up scared of what she would be like that day, or if maybe she would chase one of us down and hurt us. The other two girls still have some emotional problems to this day, but they were also older when they came to live with us, the youngest of the 3 is a year older than me, and the oldest is 5 years older than I am. I dont know your situation, but if she had stayed, I think all of us would have been worse off emotionally and in that case the group home was the best thing for our family. I'm sure that whatever decision you make it will be hard.

[SmileMonkey]

We had to do this. It was the hardest decision that I've ever had to make in my life. Our case was an older child and two younger siblings.

I noticed an immediate improvement in the 2 younger siblings almost immediately. I am told by the fp of the child that was removed that they, in hindsight, agree that seperation was better for all. They say that he is enjoying the opportunity to be a child that he never had before because even in fc, he was busy trying to be a dad.

He has never and I believe will never forgive and forget. The situation is very complicated. We maintain regular contact with him and his fp and make sure that they have regular visits.

In this case, they just moved from "their old house" to their new one and brought everything with them. In the situations that these children come from, I think that sometimes they need time apart to heal and deal with their own problems and the problems and behaviors that have become normal in the family.

[patrisha]

I have raised my neice and nephews on and off for most of their lives. When they were very young (neice was 7, nephews 5 and 3) they had to be removed from their parents home due to neglect. Initially, I was unable to get custody of all 3 of them (long story) and only had my neice. She had been a "little mama" to her brothers and it had affected her ability to be a child herself. I think she was also a little resentful at times and took it out on them.

Ideally, siblings belong together, however I believe sometimes a disfunctional family environment can undermine a normal sibling relationship. In our case both the boys fps and I felt the separation benefited both my neice and the boys. The boys learned to look to someone besides their sister, and she was free to just enjoy being a little "sister" to my daughter. We did go to great lengths to allow them to visit with each other and share all important occasions (like birthdays and holidays).

Eventually, I had all 3 siblings, and by then both the boys and my niece accepted that I was the parent figure. I don't know that would have been achieved as quickly or effectively if they all stayed together with me from the onset.

Trish

[1of2moms]

I teach middle school and have taught two sisters from a family group of 5 siblings. All of the kids have been in foster care and have been adopted- into 3 different families. I discussed this with one of the girls and she said that while it is hard, she knows (now at age 14) that it is for the best. She is an only child now, as is her brother. Both have had attachment issues, his being RAD. She also has issues stemming from sexual abuse. Both of them are better off with the one on one attention and they have visits with their siblings a few times a year.

I have never had to make this kind of decision but it sounds like it can often be what is best for the children, and that is what we want.

[Mammie]

Thank-you all for your kind responses. I have to admit that I was a little afraid someone would want to rip my head off! Again, we are really trying to hold off making such a decision. But honestly, it has been in the back of our minds.

The 8 year old has had to be the adult in the family most of his life, so I know it's been hard on him to 'let go' and enjoy being a boy. I also know he takes great comfort in 'controling' things around him, as so he does not get hurt again. I know time is suppose to heal wounds.

Somedays, he does well. VERY well. Last week was a good week...for the most part. Before that, something happened (?????) and we spent like two weeks dealing with crap that just made no sense. And he made sure someone was hurting with him.

He is a very smart boy and does know the difference between right and wrong. The last few days have been low in incidents, high on the controling. Tomorrow who knows?

Being in school helped, because of the structure (and the lack of any siblings). I was able to tolerate (and manage damage control) on weekends and holidays because they were short.

Summer vacation has proven to be really hard on the family. Once again, thank you for your personal stories. I will mull over this some more for a while.

[Love_um_all]

I have been reading your postings and have felt a connection to something we went thru. I had a sibling group of 2 -girl 6 and baby boy-1year. he was sweet and adorable. Girl, esp while seeing her mom was difficult. when she stopped seeing her, things got better, a little. I loved girl very much, she was pretty and very smart. She was also usta being "mother" to her baby brother. We all lived together for 11 months. When summer came, after an incident with some kids in the neiborhood, I made her stay with me every minute. And she became a perfectly wonderful child, when she went back to school, it was back to the same games. I saw that nothing was gonna change and I felt that I was just not the right person for her. I did not have what she needed. CW told me they would not seperate the kids bc she was not harming her brother.
I made the decision to have them moved and it was horrible...(hold on...) the moment was horrible. The baby was screaming, and she was crying and so was I. But before they were out of the driveway, I felt so much better. I had peace in the house again. It only hurt during the moment. I have never regreted making that choice bc I gave it every chance I could to make it work. She was even in counseling.
Today, they are doing great. They were moved to a great foster home. They are gonna be adopted anyday now by these awsome people. She still calls me and I need to go see her, I talked with her a few weeks ago, and she sounded so happy. I'm miss her in a werried way. I love her but I don't want to live with her.
Now, about you... bc the boy is hostile to you and his siblings, he is a liablity that you cannot afford. No telling what could happen. I also had a three year old boy with a 5 year old sister, she pulled his arm out of socket one night, She was moved bc he needed to be protected from his sister. Your job is to protect these kids, and the fact that you are feeling guilt may a malnipulation. You can't fix him. And you can love it out of him. The best thing you can do is ask to have him moved to another home that is better suited to his needs. Don't be afraid, it is never wrong to do the right thing. You know better then the caseworker, or anyone what you need to do for your family.

keep us posted