[TinaRP]

Throughout my travel around these boards I keep hearing about not fostering any children older than your youngest bio child.

Why is that? I'm sure there is some logical explanation for it - but I can't think of what it would be.

I did think maybe it was for safety reasons that you wouldn't want a troubled foster child to hurt another child and the most likely candidate would be someone younger than he/she.

Our bio children are 16, 14 and 11. We had not really considered that we could end up fostering little ones. Just today it dawned on me that we may end up with a baby. I've just assumed we'd have pre-teens and teenagers. We are still so new to this and most of what we know we have learned from you guys on the board. We don't get to start our classes until September.

Are our children old enough to be less concerned with the birthing order issues?

OR....

Is it more likely than not that a f-teenage boy and my b-daughter could have trouble viewing each other as brother and sister? Same thing with my b-son and a f-teenage girl?

We have had some instances where our son's friends have "liked" my daugher and my daughter's friends have "liked" my son, etc. We've always just dealt with it on a case by case basis. For instance, if our son wants to have over a friend that we know "likes" our daughter, he can only come if our daughter has plans to spend the night out elsewhere...and vice versa.

After a while, the novelty of their friends wear off and they come as go without incident and become more like brother and sister. Does anyone know if fostering teens will be similar? Do they begin to view each other as siblings since they are all treated that way in the household?

Thanks,
Tina

[leenab]

Our experience with it was this. We had a f/a son 2yr old placed with us, and a few months later a 3yr old f/a son placed with us. They have constant struggles over who is the big brother. Being so close in age and size hasn't helped the matter. And the fact that the youngest came first doesn't help either.

I completely understand why people adopt in birth order. Next time around, we're sticking to the birth order.

[newMafamily]

'older then your youngest biological child' I am not sure what you mean. Are people saying only take children younger then your bios? The social worker said to us we would probably be good taking kids in the same age range as our school age kids (7-12) or younger but we would be better not to take kids older then our bios. Oldest kids tend to be bossier. I will try to stick to school age because I think that everyone will feel best if they are around the same age. I am not sure how I would feel if I had teens. You know your kids maybe you can you set the expectations before a placement. Even if the kids think you are silly for doing it. You might set the social expectation that foster siblings are treated like siblings with similiar respect and relationships. As for ages- you specify the age you feel comfortable taking and they license for specific age ranges in most states. If your license covers an age you don't want I understand they may call you for that age, but they will stop if you say we only take "x-x" ages.

[DianeS]

Some children can be "attached" to their order in the family - the oldest could take pride in being the largest or oldest or one with the most priviledges, for instance, and be quite distressed when another child moves in who has a later bedtime, is permitted to stay with friends without checking in, is bossy about how to do things, whatever. But it's equally possible that you could have a child who is attached to their position as youngest, so that isn't the whole reason.

A big huge part of "don't take children older than any child already in your home" is indeed safety.

Foster children have been removed from their homes for a reason. They have usually been neglected and abused - sometimes in ways we cannot even speak about without being horrified. A large number of these children know no other way to deal with what has happened to them other than to repeat those actions with another person.

If someone younger and smaller than your child approached him/her and started talking inappropriately, threatening, or even touching or forcing touch, what would happen? In most cases, your child, being older and larger, would push the other away, refuse to cooperate in what they knew was wrong, and tell you about it.

But if someone older and larger than your child approached him/her and started talking inappropriately, threatening, or even touching or forcing touch, what would happen? In most cases, your child, being younger, smaller, and more vulnerable, would be too intimidated to resist much at all. Or if he/she did resist, might lack the physical strength to force the other to stop.

Physical and sexual abuse is ALMOST ALWAYS done by someone larger to someone smaller. Rarely is it the other way around. And for that reason it is often suggested that it be your children who have that size and age advantage, and that families foster children younger and smaller than their own children - to give their own children the best chance of getting away and stopping any abuse that might occur.

Your reference to kids "liking" each other occurs when both children are normal, happy, and well-adjusted. You cannot send your children to sleep elsewhere just because you have a new foster child who is being touchy-feely with your child and making him/her feel uncomfortable. When fostering, you're accepting a new child into your family - hopefully come hell or high water - so do your best to ensure it is a child who will cause your family setup no problems to begin with, and that usually means children younger than your own. The potential for abuse is there - it does not always happen - but is something to be aware of.

Hope that helps clear it up for you!

[TinaRP]

Thank you all for your replies.

I guess because my bio-children are older and we've never dealt with these types of situations that I hadn't fully thought through an older child hurting one of them. (I guess that's why we have to go through the classes).

~Tina

[riley6]

We had a child for a year and finally had to have her removed when she became too dangerous to live in our family. She was 12 when we got her. My boys were 14 and 15. I thought they were old enough NOT to be intimidated by her, but she was very good at manipulation and seduction. She was removed in the nick of time. I found a letter she had written to her best friend and in it she said how she was going to get pregnant and wanted one of my sons to be the father. Even though my sons were old enough NOT to be in physical harm from her, had she gone through with her plot, they could have ended up in jail.

BTW, we had said ages 4-10 on our application, bc I did not want a pubecent girl in my home with teen age boys. They do NOT always bond as siblings. Even after a long period of time. You can NOT be awake 24-7 watching them!

After she left, I found out she had snuck boys into my home while we were asleep. She had also snuck out the window and was meeting kids down the street. I found drugs under the wall to wall carpet when I packed her things. I found notes under the carpet that said how stupid we were and how she had us around her little finger. We were really fooled. I thought we had a wonderful bond. I knew we had some problems, but I thought she was the daughter we had always wanted and that she wanted to be part of our family.

I would NEVER take a child older than my youngest! Nor would I take a preteen if I had opposite gender pre/teens in my home.

My kids all came from homes where they were "in the mix" of the age of kids in the home. It was too much rivalry and competition. They were unhappy and so were their ff's.

[TinaRP]

Wow Riley6! Thank you for sharing that story! I'm so sorry that your family went through the pain of discovering the young girl had ill intentions for your family. I'm sure that was very hurtful when you've put your heart out there and tried to help.

I have never been around a teenager who was that manipulative. When we first moved into our house the teen girl who lived next door to us was always at the house hanging out with our teen son & daughter. I just thought she was sweet as pie. She talked poorly about her parents quite a bit and at first I felt sorry for her, but then I realized that she was seriously exaggerating the truth.

She ended up stealing the key to our house from our pre-teen son and then letting herself in at night while we slept. She would go down to our basement (which is our teen-son's room) when our son wasn't home and get on the computer or phone. She confessed this to our daughter thinking she would think it was "cool"...which she did NOT and soon we confronted her about it. But then she went on to steal her parents car (even though she was too young to drive) and get into a lot of trouble.

My husband and I had thought we'd want children the same ages as our bio's - but we definitely need to be thinking much younger.

I REALLY appreciate all of your insight on this.

~Tina

[sharkey]

Remember that even if you only take fkids younger than your bios it is possible that THEIR birth order can be disrupted. For example, they may be the oldest of their sib set but are now the youngest in your family and still might be bossy to the other kids. I don't have bios so don't have to worry about that but my now 11yro fson is youngest in his family but no longer youngest in mine and it makes for some interesting dynamics. Last summer I had another fson who was a month older and there was a lot of quarelling and jealousy. Next month I get one who is six months younger and is sib to one of my other fsons who is 15. I'm sure the conflicts between the two 11yros will make for a crazy household once again. A lot of that is just the way my 11yro fson is. He has a problem with everybody....older, younger, same age, adults.

Best wishes to your family.

[joskimo]

I would never do it again. When our birth daughter was 2 we had 2 nephews move in, they were 6 & 7. The boys were always jealous of the daughter even though we poured love and attention over them. We bacame legal guardians after 2 years. The older of the 2 was still very jealous. As he got older it got worse and worse. He bullied her, he intimidated her. She represented everything he lost because his parents couldn't get their act together. Last year he sexually assaulted my daughter.

I know we are an extreme example but I know we are not the only ones to have this sort experience. Now with takingin a younger child, your bilogical child is part of the experience. We are looking at adopting but want a child several years younger then our biological daughter. She is very excited about this and is actively partcipating in the effort.

[tybeemarie]

joskimo--I am so sorry to hear that your daughter was assaulted by your nephews. What a terribly painful experience for everyone! It is a tribute to your faith and hope that you are pursuing an adoption after that experience, and a tribute to your parenting that your daughter has healed so that she can be excited about getting a new sibling. God bless.