[SheldeMuse]

If there was an earlier thread on this topic, point me at it. I need to laugh about this, or I will start saying things I regret to people who don't think they mean any harm.

What sort of dumb, snobbish, or racist things have been said to the rest of you as your adoption plans become a topic of conversation?

I imagine most of you can guess what the most frequent ones I get are, so here is the funniest/worst thing said to me so far about adoption:

A flakey Hollywood entertainment writer said she'd wanted to adopt foster kids a friend of a friend had, but there was "all this red tape... like I have to get on the list and wait". She'd called "a friend in high places at the county", but there wasn't anything "to get around the bureaucracy" (Umm... maybe she could have done a homestudy and gone through the classes???)

So then she got interested in adopting from Brazil... "they have all these babies left over from Carnival, with people fooling around, you know, and they have lots of European looking ones, so you can just tell them what eye and hair color you want..." (Please forgive me for not tossing her off the balcony at this point)

So... anyone else have any good ones? And comment on why people seem surprised that we would adopt kids in foster care instead of looking to China or South America?

[lilyiniowa]

I have had some weird comments made to me. We are wanting to adopt thru foster care.

I hope that you don't get the really bad ones..... (like anyone is perfect)

You can make a good profit off those foster care checks.... (UMM OK)

I hope that you get them little enough so that I (meaning them) can enjoy them.......... (Yeah this is all about you)

You're going to take only white ones aren't ya.... (Heaven Forbid I throw a brown egg in the dozen)


You have a bigger heart than me, I couldn't raise/love someone else's kids......


I must say though that I have most people supporting us and only a few people have said such weird things to me.

[SheldeMuse]

Hey, those sound familiar. Most of ours start with "so where are you going?", their automatic reaction that high tax bracket white people go to China for babies or something.

My mom was adopted at birth in 1944. The dumb one her mother would get asked was "Now, will she have to adopt her kids?" Too weird to even contemplate what they were thinking... it would seem she was decended from people who could procreate.

[leenab]

We've heard it all and been asked everything under the sun. Being in an inter-racial & inter-cultural marriage we got it from all sides in all forms. I'm caucasian and dh is Indian (from India). Here were some of the things:

You're going to adopt through fostercare, why not do private domestic. Your husband makes more than enough money.

You want a black child? Why?

Are you sure you can love a dark baby? (This comment was so crazy as it turns out dh is a darker complection than either of our children who are both black (AA & Haitian). And don't I love dh inspite of his color.

You know you should really get a baby.

You could always trade those boys in for a baby. (refering to my 3 & 4 yr old f/a sons) (Yeah right, children are not returnable. Don't you think if we wanted a baby we would have taken one in the first place.)

You know when the boys get older you're going to have a lot of problems with them because they were foster children.

Why don't you adopt from India? (This from my parents.)

We don't want to be called Grandma & Grandpa until the adoption is finalized. (This from my parents. needless to say they got a huge lecture from me, followed by a period of silence for a month. Then they came to their senses and appologized.)

Are you sure you don't want a sperm donor baby instead? I could find a donor for you. (This from my mother once she found out we were considering adoption. Dh didn't want a "sperm donor" baby.)

Why don't you spend $50,000 and try ICSI at least once. You can afford it. (Again from my mother.)

I hear Russia has some nice white babies. (Again my mother).

You're like mother Theresa. (This from dh's parents.)

It was such a nice thing you did for the boys. (In actuality it's a great thing they did for us. They came into our family and became our sons. And we really really wanted children to begin with. It wasn't like some stranger dropped them at our door one day and never came back. It was a whole process and something we really deeply wanted.)

You saved them from a life of drugs and being on the street. (People just assume the strangest things.)

I've always wanted to adopt but just never did. (We hear this from soooo many people. A lot of our friends say this. I always tell them it's never to late and give them the number of the agency we went through.

You know those kids have a lot of problems?

You know their black???

I hope you don't dress them black. (As if there is a special line of clothes for black people only).

What do you feed them? (huh?)

One day they're going to leave you to go find their parents and never come back.

Are those your real children? (We get this a lot in public. I usually say either yes, I'm adopting them or no they're made of cardboard, or the boys say yes that's my mommy. Sometimes people are asking from the right place in their heart and sometimes they're just being nasty. You really have to let the right response fit.)

I've even had some very interesting questions from my friend's children:

Did their parents die? (from a 6 yr old girl)

Were they living in a box? (from a 10 yr old boy)

Were they starving before? (from an 8yr old girl)

Do they know how to speak english?

Can they eat normal food?

Do they know you're adopting them?

Did their parents try to kill them?

Where are their REAL parents? (As if we're not really their parents. Trust me after what I've been through with my 2 little boys I feel like their real mother.)


The best advice is to be honest with those people who you have a close relationship with. Tell them exactly how you feel. Even if it's not what they want to hear. As the children will be your children and a part of your life forever. As for strangers sometimes honesty, sometimes humor, sometimes my boys respond to the comments in their own way.

Dealing with family and friends is not always the easiest thing to do. I feel like I was somewhat prepared when I married Dh who was outside of my race and culture. Plus my family and firends know that I never do anything very conventionally.


LeenaB

[tancee]

My grandmother became a foster parent in 1989 when I was a teen. I am in the process of becoming one.

She had Bi-racial daughter and they asked she and I these questions. More so me.

Is that your baby? (I was 14.)

Is here mother white or Is she white?

What are her parents?

What color are her parents?

Would you adopt her? (my grandmother did)

Will you teach her to be white/black?

Shes going to think shes better than you all because shes white.

I called her my little sister. She don't look nothing like you.

You get paid a lot of money for her don't you?

Girl, you took in a crack baby.

I couldn't take a drug addicted baby. they are just like their parents. ( Idiot)

They are lucky to have you because no one wants all their problems.

The minute they step out of line I would send them back. At least you have that as a choice.

I see not much has changed.

[jamie3]

I live in a very small town (2000 people) so anonimity is missing from my life. I love this life but some people are way too familiar. Of course, the did notice when I went from 3 children to 5. Dh is a state trooper, I am a teacher, and both girls are varsity cheerleaders. People know us.

I would like some advice on how to answer the question that stumps me every single time:

And who are these little boys with you today?

I just answer - mine. But then the look of shock I get always makes me feel like I need to explain more. I have been trying to do so in a way that the kids won't hear, but I would like to not do that either. I am going to make it a habit to just let it go at that. It's a small town, anyone can tell them who these kids are.

My students are the worst:

Are these those kids you adopted? (like the kids are mute or deaf - they are not very discreet)

One of them is blonde and one of them is a brunette I can't count how many people have asked me -

Are they real brothers?
Do they have the same dad?

right in front of the kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They are shaped exactly alike just colored differently, but no one would dare ask that about my bio kids. Why does the fact that these kids are foster/adopt give people the right to ask such personal questions?????

At least 10 people have asked me -

Do you know what happened to them? (yes, I do, but you aren't going to find that out)
Did the mother give them up or did the state take them away?
Were they abused or anything bad like that? (no, they had a happy life but I wanted them)
Was there any type of, you know, inappropriate stuff going on? (like asking personal questions?)
How long will you have them before they go back to their parents? (ummmm.....none ya)

I'm getting mad thinking about this so I think I'll end here. I could go on and on, but I guess the day will come when no one will remember me not having them.

Any suggestions for these questions would be welcome though.

[HeatherRene]

oh my gosh. I am going to my very first class tonight, haven't even scratched the surface on the process, and I have already been asked crazy things. Nothing like what I have read here. It is so sad, but I really did laugh my head off (usually at the parenthesis comments made by you guys!!)

"Now, will she have to adopt her kids?" Too weird to even contemplate what they were thinking... it would seem she was decended from people who could procreate.
--this one really got me.

and yes, why do people always ask questions about other people (yes, these children ARE people!!) while they are standing RIGHT THERE??!?!?! duh!

I have been asked:
what age are you taking? and when I say I am leaning toward 0-5 they say, "oh good. because the older ones will be all messed up."

I'm going to foster. oh, I think you should just straight up adopt! ok...uh...care to make any other life changing decisions for me?

yeah, people are funny. Thanks for the ideas about how to respond to some of them. I am sure I will be taken aback until I get use to some of this.

[lucyjoy]

My favorite is "Which ones are related?" Noone ever asks me if I'm related to my husband. Once I married him we were related but somehow my children aren't related to each other when they join the family?

[jodybird511]

My mom, the absolutely adoring grandmother, was asked by a "friend" of hers whether she thinks of my daughter "black or as a baby!" My mom glared at her and said, proudly, "I think of her as my granddaughter (you idiot!)."

[Kelly12345]

I had to chime in here. Some of the most recent comments I have gotten were at a school district meeting. First let me say that my 2 oldest are adopted, and were born 1 day apart, but not twins. Our youngest is our homegrown boy, who is 1 now. When we were filling out paperwork with the school psychologist for speech services for my oldest son, in the sibling section she wasn't sure what to put down, her comment was:

"So the baby is his half brother, no I'll just put step sibling" ( Ahhh, and you're the school psychologist!)
My reply was "No, you should put SIBLING" She had to think about it for awhile, but finally agreed.

There are some interesting comments out there, I do wish people would think before they talk, especially in front of the kids!!!

Best Wishes! Kelly, Mommy to 3 little angels (most of the time

[Verncait]

I remember the stupidest comment, which came from my dear father the first time he saw my oldest (bi-racial) daughter who was adopted at birth. "Well, she looks normal." What did he expect...a two headed monkey?

[Annie6]

Got to love life......
We have been very lucky to have not too many questions asked of us. I think the hardest questions come from the famlies. I have a mil who thinks we are getting rich on the kids in our home...but then she hasn't fed, clothed, or transferred 4kids in her life. Then there is the bil who cant'understand why my hubby can't go and play with his brother whenever he wants. My bil has no children, lives with mommy at the age of 53 and never had a house payment. Now who doesn't have a life there.

Then there is my side of the famliy who use to ask how can you be so cold to be able to give up the kids. I thought I was being warm hearted to have the kids live with us. Or the famliy inlaw who said "how do you know if this child will fit into your famliy?" Most of my famliy have nothing to do with us since we have become foster/adoptive family. To bad, I know some really great hard working children.

We have had kids ask question in school and church. I have no prob how a child ask a question since they just have to have info right now. The children at school know that our kids are adopted. We have included the childrens classmates in the whole process. My kids will tell them that the foster system is good and that great endings can come from it. So I just let them talk, answer question that come their way. They are the experts, Im along for the ride.

Annie6

[Michelle 053002]

I think the comments from family hurt the most. We are CA, dd is AA. I am getting very tan already, my father in law said to me one day, wow you two are starting to look like mom and daughter. I said we are mother and daughter. He said well you know what I mean. I just walked away. My mother in law never did give us a baby shower, she didn't feel she should until it was finalized and " the mother couldnt' take her back" our adoption wasn't finalized until 13 months and I then told her it was too late, birthmother's rights were terminated at 3 months but that wasnt' good enough for her cuz "she wasnt' really ours yet". Before we adopted and we were trying to conceive and discussing names her comment was just don't give my grand child a name that makes her sound black. Can't help but wonder how she really feels about having an AA granddaughter, she talks a good talk though.

[jamie3]

I forgot to list my mom's counseling ---

You know lots of kids needs home but I have never thought of letting one into my house. (makes one think of strays)

What are you going to do about the kids you already have? (I guess I'll let them live here until they are grown)

What if you get your heart broken? (she never said that when I became engaged)

I feel so sorry for you -- you have your kids almost raised and then you could have moved on with your life (who's life am I living?) and now look at what you've done.

I think you are the craziest person I know. Who would want five kids?

I really think you should reconsider what you are doing. Those kids just aren't family and you don't have to keep them if you don't want to. Someone else can raise them....you don't want to ruin the next 16 years it will take to raise them.

Anyway...I am getting beter at letting it all roll off my back.

[DianeS]

I've had very few stupid comments given to me--probably because when I tell a new person about our plans, I also tell them about all the stupid comments and my answers! I figure that takes care of a few I wouldn't want to hear again...

Anyway, I had one woman tell me she couldn't love someone she wasn't related to. Her husband and I get along really well, so I looked at him, faked a heart attack and said "You didn't tell me you were cousins!!!" She turned red and shut up... (I had been warned to expect that comment from her, so I was prepared for it!)

Another friend said "wow..." and started in on the list of things to have our future children checked for. But from her, it was genuine concern as she adopted her bio nephews who, after the adoption, were diagnosed RAD, FAS, and LD and now live out of the home.

This one hasn't happened to me, but I love the comeback: One of my friends says she was asked what was missing from her life that she felt the need to fill it with so many children. She replied: Nothing's missing from my life - it's so full I feel the need to share it!