[jscarol]

My husband and I are very new to this. We have taken in a child, recently aged out of the system and on independent living.

M has been in the system for many years, taken away from b-mother at age 5?, adopted by foster mother and then abused by her. He has DJJ record, abandoned by adoptive mother and then placed in a shelter until he turned 18. He is a great young man who we care about very much.

Since moving in with us 3 months age, I have seen a different side of him. I guess the best way to describe him is "Eddie Haskel" from Leave it to Beaver. He has his teachers at school feeling so sorry for him that he does not have to work hard to get the grade. His boss at his job lets him report that he has worked when he has not. I believe he is very in tune with the system and how to manipulate it.

Problem is, I would like to address issues with him as they come up (although this is not always comfortable). I believe that he should follow the same rules and consequences as our other children.

My husband feels that we need to handle him with kid gloves.
He has been through a lot in his life and we need to reassure him that he will not be rejected. He feels that we cannot treat him the same as our daughters because his situation is not the same as theirs. They know they are loved unconditionally and M does not yet know this.

It has become very frustrating to live like this. Our daughters have been coming to me to express that things are not fair. I sometimes feel like I want to explode because he continues to break house rules and considers himself an equal with my husband and I as far as house priveledges and has taken over our computer, telephone and tv's. He has lied to me repeatedly.

I believe that bad behavoir is bad behavoir no matter what your past and it should be addressed. In the "real world" he will not be handled with kid gloves because of his emotional scars. I also feel that if he is to be part of our family, he needs to enjoy the same consequences and benefits as the rest of us.

We need some help. Can any of you experienced foster parents tell me the right way to handle this young man? My husband and I are on different planes with this. That in itself makes this situation difficult for all in this house.

HELP!!

[jamie3]

I don't see anyway to get through this without therapy. I have to agree that he needs to be held accountable for his actions. Everyone in the world needs someone who will say to them, "What you are doing is wrong." I need it, you need it, and M. ,for sure, needs it. A neutral party could help a lot, especially since you and dh are not in agreement. If he lives in your house, he needs to be much more considerate of not dominating the electronics. We have an 18 year old girl who hangs out at our house and had taken over the computer and phone. We had to set limits with her. For about 3 weeks she quit coming over, but then she came back. Our family comes first and if the new kid can not have respect and follow the rules, we are better off cutting him/her loose.

If M is going to live at your house with the same rights as family he should have the same responsibility as family. At 18, he may not be the fragile child he would like to be. He sounds as if he is a master manipulator. Is he contributing to the family in any way?

[jscarol]

M helps out around the house, most of the time without being asked. He has a job and also receives money from the state (independent living). He does not contribute financially toward room and board (we have not asked).

We plan on asking for help with monthly expenses. This was not established with him when we first thought about taking him into our home. My husband was his DCF caseworker and we could not take money from him because the department was concerned about a conflict of interest. My husband is no longer working for DCF so the conflict of interest no longer exists.

Since we did not establish this in the beginning, it is going to be very difficult to ask for room and board. However, because of our financial situation and my recent unemployment, it is necessary. I have to tell our own children "we can't afford it" and M is spending his money on PlayStation, games, cell phone, candy, etc.

I agree that we probably need a third party involved and I plan to seek some help in this matter asap. I really do want things to work because we sincerely care about this young man. I just feel lost as to how to get things on track.

[lucyjoy]

If he's doing this much manipulation that you know about, imagine what your missing. Trust issues are what leads to manipulation, but trust cannot be gained if the manipulation is allowed. M needs to be held accountable and it is important that your girls see this happenning or it will create a negative effect with them. Also, if they feel you aren't listenning, they become at risk for the boy's manipulation. I took a teen in at 17 that I love dearly. He was very helpful and appeared loving, but he was very skilled at working the system. My younger boys looked up to him and that has posed a problem. While M's understanding of love is different then your girls, he needs to be held accountable. If , at 18, he is to be treeted as an adult, that means work/school on time and at least a small amout of rent. It teaches him responsibility and to have some pride in what he's done right.