[ccemtp63]

I'm looking for advice from foster/adoptive parents. I am a single mom with a 3 year old son and 16 month old foster daughter. We were almost to TPR when mom decided to give consent. Great news except she is requesting an open adoption. Due to her history of drug abuse, anger issues, lack of participation in her daughters first year of life, and tendency to leave the state (frequently) I have some serious concerns about an open adoption. Such as pictures twice a year. I'm not trying to act out of spite or revenge, I'm just really concerned for my daughter's well being. Especially as she gets older. Another request is that her first, middle, and last name remain the same although she can use my last name, too. Why not just tell her where to come and pick her up when she wants to see her?????? No, visits are absolutely not an option. I'm trying to be cooperative, but I think mom expects too much when the adoption is final. She wants the right to send cards and gifts each Christmas and B-day, however she didn't even call to ask about her daughter this Christmas and barely acknowledged her first birthday. I'm afraid the gift giving won't last and my daughter will be let down, HARD. Am I expecting too much? Any help is greatly appreciated.

[newkid]

ccemtp63, What does you cw say? Surely she isn't supporting the idea! Is the tpr going to happen regardless of her stance on the open adoption or not?

[riley6]

If you feel more comfortable, tell her that you agree to pictures and cards a couple times a year. If she straightens up her life and if the kids ever express an interest in a visit, it might be possible in the future, but for now, only communicate by PO box. As far as names go, that's totally up to the ADOPTIVE parents! Our kids had family middle names (named after bmoms and friends). We gave our kids the choice and we renamed their middle names. We changed the first name of one of our kids. Our older kids kept their last names as second middle names. Our younger kids dropped their birth last names and have our last names. It's up to YOU!

[jamie3]

Have all rights been terminated? If so, you are the one with the right to make these decisions. I would for sure change their last name legally to match yours. I am will to send pictures a couple of times a year, but I am not willing to have visitation. I think it would be so hard on the kids while they are little. I will allow them to find their bmom when they are older, but for now they do not have the emotional resources to deal with visits with her. jmho

[bumpkin]

If she is willing to sign the consent and you can find a place that you can get comfortable in, then it might make the reamainder of your journey easier. Could you agree to sending pictures and letters once or twice a year to a PO Box and she can send to a PO Box. That way you can be in charge of when you want to receive them etc... Also, you could put in the agreement that she has to meet certain stips in order to obtain the visits.... such as a drug screen, 72 hour confirmation, etc... and if she does not thatn the agreement is null and void. Also you can usually put language in teh agreement that stipulates that if it is not in the "best interests" of the child, that you will not visit. I know it sounds scary, I'm scared too of it, but the dragged out years of not having finalization sound pretty darn scary too!

Best of luck

Bumpkin

[ccemtp63]

Thank you all for your input. As it happens, I had to make a decision before I got any feedback. I did agree to pictures 2 times a year until baby is approaching school age. (I'm afraid mom might come back and try to find her with the pictures she gets). All correspondence has to go through CYS so I'm safe there. Rights had not been terminated, although I was told that I don't have to agree to any of this. CW strongly suggested I agree to open adoption as it 'should' make things go smoother.

SOOOOO, I do. Nothing I'm not really comfortable with but still a lot for mom. And the morning mom was supposed to sign the consent and visit her daughter for the last time

SHE LEFT THE STATE!!!!!!! AGAIN!!!!! NO VISIT, NO PHONE CALLS, SHE JUST LEFT!!!!

Don't know what happens next. They assured me that if she didn't sign they would file the TPR immediately but foster CW doesn't know what adoption CW is going to do and neither return phone calls!

[bumpkin]

ccm -

Wondered how things turned out for you?

Bumpkin