[newkid]

We have very limited contact with our fd's **. She visits her every other week. Something I don't understand is her reaction to us. There is virtually NO reaction to us. Like very recently, when I dropped my fd off for her visit, her ** was waiting outside the office. She came out, opened the car door, greeted my fd, took her out of her carseat, and closed the door. I smiled at her and said hi, but it is as if I am invisible. We've had her little girl for over a year and she rarely speaks or acknowledges our exsistence. What is that about?? If I were her, I'd ask me all kinds of questions about my daughters life. I wonder why she doesn't? I know we are not going to be best friends, but what is with the total ignoring us?

[HappyMomAnna]

I can only assume feelings of other people based on how I might feel.... I have never been in the situation of visiting my child who was living with another family--or who I might have taken away from me eventually--But I can imagine I would not wish to be all that nice...Especially if I felt (rightly or wrongly) that something had been done wrong--that there is a mistake and that I should have my child...

It is not likely that most of us would be-friend someone we saw as the enemy or an agent of the enemy...Right now to her you are the STATE and you are the people who are demanding her to make changes and choices and you are part of the system that might decide to end her rights as a mother...

My children's birthmother was not nice to the Foster Family in anyway--but, when I picked the children up from their good bye visit birthmom was very nice to me--she thanked me and I assume that was because I never entered the picutre until the TPR was done--I assume to her I was not the enemy.

Remember that many mothers losing their child to the system have many serious issues... Some of these moms have mental health issues, or are so messed up with drugs they do not KNOW how to 'act' normal--if they did they would most likely be home with their child not visiting a child currently in Foster Care.

I just say, continue to take the high road and smile, say hi and take what you get.... maybe you could write her a note?

Are you wanting to adopt the child or are you just Fostering?

[newkid]

We are in the foster/adopt program and would love to adopt her but a relative has stepped forward after a year.

[tlc4kidz]

I have a great relationship with our fc's bp's. They visit twice a week and at least one of those visits I send a detailed note as to how they are doing and offer them to respond with any questions. We only usually see each other at court and meetings, but they have told the sw's that the notes are very helpful in keeping them involved in the day-to-day stuff. I also invited them to the Drs. appts when they were very young, but that got to be a problem as our older got around a year old because she wanted to be comforted by me and bp's didn't want to let me. I don't blame them for that....the time they spend with their children is so limited and precious to them. It is awkward, but worth it for the children's sake.

[ccemtp63]

I started out with a similar problem with birth mom. She refused to speak to me at all except to criticize something I had/had not done. (didn't send pacifier after mom hadn't seen baby in 2 1/2 months) (didn't matter that baby quit using pacifier 2 months before) Having a son of my own I couldn't understand why she didn't want to know how her daughter was doing in between visits. It was very obvious that she felt I was the reason she didn't have custody. I tried to keep her updated her even if she didn't ask but she adamantly ignored me. So, I just kept talking so that she couldn't say I never told her. Our visit supervisor would document this. It wasn't until this past February (the third time visits were restarted) that mom finally started asking questions. We are at TPR and mom is supposedly consenting to adoption if her requests for an open adoption will be met. But that's another thread.

[Waiting_Family]

I can relate. We helped out some homeless girls whose bmom is drug addicted and has mental health issues. For only a week, mind you. Now she goes around telling my hubby's boss (he works at a school) that we are harassing them (really the other way around, we have kept complete distance from them!), and telling people that we are "Satans" and trying to "steal" her kids! All this from trying to help, and letting her 3 girls stay with us for one week! Thankfully, the whole small community knows her, and they don't believe it, but she knows where we live, and that bothers me.

I really agree with HappyMomAnna, that we are perceived as the enemy, and her kids got taken away from her at the time we were in the picture, and she had to go to jail (for drug possession), and in her mind, we were the cause of it.

Don't take it personally. In her mind, YOU are the problem, not herself. YOU are part of the system that took away her kids and want her to change.

But from this experience, I now KNOW that any "open" adoption we go into will be letters through a PO Box, or supervised visits at the agency....no more dealing in person with druggies for me.

Maybe you should get there early and leave the child with the sw? This way, you don't have to deal with her. At my agency, they even go so far as having the fparents go down a different set of stairs so that they don't meet up with the bparents. I certainly wouldn't want the bmom who ignores me or treats me badly opening up my car door and taking out the child.

[newkid]

I hate to leave her waiting for her mom at the office, it just seems so cold. Then when the visit is over usually she and my fd are waiting outside the office (something I don't understand since all the visits are supposed to be supervised). I guess I should tell the sw that I'd like them to bring my fd out to the car when the visit is over so it won't be awkward. Thanks for the input everyone.