[mamasoon]

Hello, I am in desperate need of some advice here. We are foster adopt for 2 little boys 9 mos and 3 years. 3 year old was in the same foster home for 14 months. we have stayed in contact with previous foster mom but the child has not had any contact. He would ask about them and we would talk to him about things but in the most recent few weeks has not mentioned them at all. He has been with us since the beginning of Feb. Well last week, foster mom called and said she wanted a visit with him. My own personal feeling was that it would not be beneficial for the child because I feel like he was adjusted so well and actually had just finished his first week of no 'pee' accidents during the day. Well we called our CW to ask what to do and she suggested a call. We let him talk to her on Sunday and he didn't really say much, they had the phone on speaker and were singing to him. He seemed to be fine after the call also. Well Monday at Daycare he got into trouble 5 times, for hitting and also for throwing food. We talked to him about it and everything seemed to be fine well yesterday, he charged at another child at daycare and knocked her down because she had a toy she wanted. I am so distraught, this is not like him at all. I called CW and she suggested I call foster mom to see if he had ever behaved this way and she said no but he had never been in daycare either. He stayed home with her all day. CW also suggested that maybe he needs counseling. He has been fine until now, I'm not sure adding counseling now is going to help matters when I really feel that time has been healing his heart. I don't know what to do, I want to do the right thing for him.

thank you in advance,
Kathy

[spitzlvr]

I am not in your situation, so I can only give you advice from the heart.

From what you said it sounds to me like he was bonding and adjusting to life at your house quite well. When the previous FM was put back in the mix he became very confused, and that is the cause of the acting out.

If it were me, I would want the previous FM to have no contact at this time. (This doesn't mean you can't tell her how he is doing, or sending pics and such). The child needs full security where he is, and not be wondering if he is moving.

JMHO

Mary

[lucyjoy]

I would not allow contact with the former foster mom for at least 6 months to a year. The child's focus needs to be on attaching to you. Prolong visitation at this age is only good for the fmom and not the child. I would, however, accept the therapy if they would use a therapist familiar with the treetment of attachment in foster/adoption. It might help.

Also, if the CW said to do it, do it. If you don't and the child has additional problems, they'll assume you are the problem. Sometimes, when a case worker makes a suggestion, it's not really a suggestion. I got in trouble with a judge once for not taking a SW suggestion(that later turned out to be wrong).

[Gwen]

I would agree with lucyjoy. Having ongoing contact with the former fostermom produces a divided loyalty in his mind. Children who have been moved around need to feel secure where they are right now.
I would encourage you to talk to the other fmom and if she needs continued contact for a while (just to know he is safe and loved) then do that for her but let the boy have sometime with his new family only for a while....
All the best

[mamasoon]

thank you for your replys. I did call caseworker again today and the foster mom had called OUR caseworker to discuss the situation. (I have the utmost respect for the foster mom but I feel that she is being a bit selfish) She basically told our caseworker that she thought daycare was the problem and that the child must be mirroring another childs behavior. I dont think she wants to accept that her phone call could have been a problem at all. She is a great foster mom and I think she did a wonderful job taking care of him but I think she dosent want to let go. Our caseworker is being more supportive of us and seeing that the call was disruptive for him.
as a sidenote, it bothers me that foster mom called our caseworker. I am just glad that I had talked to the caseworker first. She had also called the caseworker after we called her back and said we would do a phone call rather than a visit. I don't like this approach, we are her equals and I feel like she is not treating us as such.

Thanks again,
Kathy

[Jensboys]

We adopted siblings then ages 3 and 4. I found on-going contact with the foster mom to be invaluable (although we did not have direct visits for 9 months). She was able to reassure the boys over and over again that she was happy they were with their new family, that "no" she was not going to be taking them back, that they were with us forever.

Remember, children grieve very actively and differently than adults. Yes, talking with foster mom might have brought up some grief, but that is a GOOD thing. You can be his comfort ... I would suggest things like " I bet you are missing mommy so and so" or "are you feeling angry because you cant visit mommy so and so right now" etc etc Often I would bring it up at cuddle time as I sung a made up song "Greggie is feeling angry right now, lala la la la , He is missing mommy deb right now, la la la la "

The relationship we have been able to maintain with her has been wonderful and she is like extended family. The reality also is that she was his mom for a long time. Its important to him to realize that he is lovable.

At our first visit with them - the boys were THRILLED to see her but the "parental bond" had transferred. I was actually expecting it to be ALOT harder on them and me than it was. I would compare it to visiting iwth a favorite aunt. Thrilled to see her but happy to leave as well.

[Lorraine123]

The foster mom is coming across as selfish. Did she not want to let him go?

My daughter frequently asks about her foster mom, but she hasn't had any contact as of yet. I feel certain that it would set her back. Its been 10 months, but she isn't ready. Before any contact is made, my daughter needs to totally understand that she is with us forever.

I have had contact with the foster mom though, through phone calls and pictures. She was a therapeutic foster home and because of her, my daughter came a long way. I wish I could truly thank her, but I think knowing that my daughter is doing well in her new home is thanks.

I see it very clearly that the contact with the foster mom is the cause of your son's setbacks. Thats not saying anything negative about the foster mom, just that it caused chaos in his mind.

[kyleashmom]

My daugher is 5 and was in her foster home for only 4 months, we got her at 4 months old. I have done a book on her life, which includes the foster parents. Now she doesn't remember them at all, just lately she has asked to see them and visit with them. I always send pictures and a letter to the foster mom at Christmas and she said she would be open to a visit. We have not done it yet, but I think my daughter will be fine so much time has past and the fact she can't remember.

Maybe tell the foster mom that you want to stay in contact and maybe in the future you can have visits.

My foster girls left in Aug and had been with us for 3 yrs, their adoption fell through they are now in another foster home but we have had contact with them and they are now getting adopted by another family. But my goal on them (they are 9 and 10) was to just have pictures and letters and down the road physical contact with them if they choose it. I would never push it even though we will miss them when they leave to an out of state home.

Debbie

[karenn]

My daugter is 10 and have lived with us since she was 5 1/2. She was in her first foster home for a year before she came to live with us. She was in foster care with us for about 2 years and have been adopted for about 21/2 years. Just last month she went to go spend the weekend at her first foster mom's house and visit with her bio sibs that also live in this town. This Monday she got in a fight at daycare and had to be put in a headlock and removed to the office. I talked to her about it and she told me she has been angry eversince she left the weekend visit with her foster mom. I asked her if she wanted to live with her again and she said "no, because then I can not live with you". She also knew she was going to go for another weekend this month, but she still had lots of emotions flying around inside herself for weeks after the visit. I think our a kids will always grieve leaving a loving home. I could have become upset, insecure and selfish and just said, well this is to hard on her and we will just not do it again. Instead I chose to talk to her about her feelings of loss and that she is loved by her bio mom, first foster mom and us and that she also loves all of us. That it is OK to have emotions, but it is better to talk about it than act on it. As a foster parent I do not think it is selfish to want to reassure a child that he did not leave a home because he was bad and that you need to tell him he is still loved. Therapy is almost a must otherwise f kids will just take all those feelings and bury them. These feelings will reapear someday and it is better to deal with them now than to pretend it is not there. The fact that a telephone call caused such a sinificant behavior problem tells you that he has been supressing alot of his feelings. I think you should welcome the therapy and let the therapist help him to understand the relationships and bonds from his past and the relationships he has now on his level. An attachment therapist would be your best option.

[jamie3]

This is such a wonderful post! It sounds like my family! However, the kids don't really act up after they talk to their former fm. I am so glad to hear these stories though because the boys are going to stay with the other fparents while dh and I go on a short trip this summer. They have not seen them since the day they were dropped off, but they have talked to them on the phone several times.

I really need to think about how the best way to reassure them will be that I will be coming back to get them and that I am not abandoning them like their bmom.

Thank so much for sharing!

[MamaJem]

Originally posted by Lorraine123
The foster mom is coming across as selfish. Did she not want to let him go?
.........
I see it very clearly that the contact with the foster mom is the cause of your son's setbacks. Thats not saying anything negative about the foster mom, just that it caused chaos in his mind.

I take it you have never been a foster parent. What many folks don't understand is that children adopted from foster care don't fit into any mold of traditional behaviors or reactions. Having contact with former foster parents will not weaken the bond you have with your child, it will strengthen it. There may be some confusion of emotions which is natural. There may some behaviors that puzzle us but that doesn't mean that its unhealthy for the child to have contact with the Fparent.

I believe that many adoptive parents are insecure and therefore want to take away all connections to the past. Even the healthy ones. Its important to put the child's long term emotional health in the forefront. Knowing that not every single connection to the past has been severed will actually make a child more secure not less.

JMHO

[Gwen]

Hold on!!! I am an adoptive parent and a foster parent. I agree with how hard it is to give children up......yet, I alsso know how hard it is for adoptive children to bond.
When a child moves to an adoptive placement and the previos foster placement is demanding things that are not working (which is what is happening) then this situation needs to be reevaluated.

It is not fair to pick one side and label one group as "insecure".....being firmly part of both sides I think that right or wrong is really hard to label.

[evansmum]

We have the same situation in our home. Our FTA placement just turned 2, and had been in his previous f/home for almost a year. C was his MOM, no ifs ands or buts. And the fact that he DID bond so well with her gives us hope that he can do it again.

The cw at first mentioned that *I* could talk to C, but there shouldn't be any physical contact between fs and C for a couple months or so. Adoption unit put a kaibosh on that, and said that she was to come see us as soon as she could after placement, and then after about a week, and slowly let the visits get further and further apart... until it's like seeing his favourite Auntie C.

I was absolutely completely terrified - or maybe insecure and selfish. I did NOT want her to come visit, I wanted to get on with "my life", but I now see how wrong that was. SHE is a part of his life, and she always will be. I can't change that.

He'd only been with us 2 days when she came on her first visit. I thought he'd scream and cry and cling to her, and want to leave -- he didn't? He did call her mum, and that was fine; he was also doing that with me - I'm Mama, she's Mum. She HAD been his Mom for 10 months of his 25, y'know? And I let them have that. The first visit, I didn't interfere and just let them "do their thing" - the visit wasn't FOR me; it was for them to have closure. We didn't want fs to feel abandoned by the only mother he remembered.

She's since been here a few more times, and last time, he said "Buh-bye Mum C!" when she left! It was adorable. We will slowly drop the "mum" and start using "auntie" C, but when he's ready.

I would suggest: Let the fm come to your house (DON'T GO THERE! Too confusing, our adoption worker said), literally as often as possible for the first week or two. It will be very uncomfortable for you, but it's not about you (and trust me, it took me awhile to figure out THAT part! LOL). Then make it once a week, then every 2 weeks, and slowly get it down to holidays, etc. They need to know that she didn't abandon them! They could very possibly become angry with YOU if they don't ever get to see her again, y'know?

Good luck. PM me if you want to talk. Fs has been here 2 weeks now, and is doing wonderfully! I do think the visits with C did help him realize that this is home now, but she didn't just "go away" either.

~M