[laurafye]

First, I'm very pleased to have found this website/forum. My husband and I have made the decision to become foster parents. Just a little backround: We have 3 children 8yrs, 19mo, and a new 6 week old. I understand the process (classes, ect) may take some time, so we're starting the process now even though our baby is so small.
With that said, my husband and I realized today, after I was asked by the "home-finder" what age we would prefer, that our answers were different. His reply was that we should accept an older adolecent, say in elementary school. My reply was to accept a newborn-toddler. His reasoning was that we could have more of a positive influence on an older child. My reasoning was more involved: I'm concerned about discipline problems and protecting my biological children (physically and/or emotionally).
Any ideas/experience anyone can share on this topic?
Laura

[stepforone]

Many of your experienced fp will tell you to take children younger than your own. Some of these children have histories that cw don't always know about (like being sexually abused) that may come out in your home. My dh wanted to take children around his son's age (who was 12 at the time) so he would have a playmate. Fortunately I was able to talk him out of it and we take infants. You also run into more problems with false allegations with older children and it can really rip your family apart having to go through something like that. You might remind him that although your family might have a positive influence on an older child, that child could also have a very negative influence on your bio children and does he really want to put them at risk? Infants need so much in terms of bonding and attention that can effect them for life so you really do have a major influence in their lives to, you just don't see the immediate results. Good luck and keep coming back.

[laurafye]

Thanks for the response. I was wondering if anyone would respond right away.
I agree with you. And you brought up an excellent point about how the bonding done with infants is just as important. I'm going to use that when we speak this weekend (he's away for his work this week).
You know, babies/infants were first on my list for a long time as I swam around the idea of fostering in my head. We have plenty of space/supplies. But the straw that broke me down was when I'd heard of yet another baby in our area that had been killed at the hands of it's parent's. I won't go into the details, but it was gruesome. I've always said I wish I could just put a sign on our front lawn saying "bring your unwanted babies here", so I guess fostering is the next best thing. I know it won't save the baby I spoke of, but perhaps my family will make a small difference.
I've got a million questions. I'm going to get my thoughts together and return here with them.
I'm so glad this forum is here. Even when there's no immidiate response, I can read other's questions/conserns and those usually touch on my own.
Laura

[2bemama]

My dh and I have been foster to adopt parents for 3 years. We take children age 2 and under. Our first placement was a four month old fd and a 3 1/2 year old fs. We had a lot of behavioral problems with our fs. After the children were reunified with their bp, my dh and I decided to foster/adopt children 2 and under.

I now have a 2 yr old bio son and I do not wish to expose him to inappropriate behaviors that some older toddlers may display.
It is hard to foster a baby and then "let him/her go" when reunification happens. But my dh and I decided we rather be a postive influence upon a newborn versus deal with behavioral issues.

We currently have an almost 15 month old fs who we have had since he was 2 days old----directly from the hospital. Reunification is to happen some time over the summer. We are extremely sad to see him go and had wish he was able to stay with us. We will take a "break" and then let CSB know that they can call on us again!!

[laurafye]

thanks for your reply. Seems like I'm hearing just what I expected. I believe that only accepting infants is our only option as we must take into consideration our biological children.
Which brings me to a new question:
My bs, 19 months old and my newborn bs will both be too young to understand the idea of "fostering" when we do finally accept an infant into our home. We are just starting the process, so I'm expecting to be certified and ready within the next year.
How do you take an infant into your home with biological infants/toddlers and successfully handle them all (emotionally)?
I mean to say, won't my sons be confused as to why there is a "new" baby in our home that won't stay?
Will they fear for themselves having to leave?
I'm looking for these answers BEFORE we make our final decision in becomming a foster home. I want to go into this knowing what to expect from experienced parents and how to prepare our own children.
We want to be a foster home for children, but the big question now is "When?"--do we go for it now, or, for our bc's sake, do we wait until they're older?
Opinions please!
Laura

[kpratt2]

I'm currently a foster mom about to finalize my first adoption. I got into foster care when a friends grandchild was removed by child protective services for neglect and boy was there neglect. I'm about to adopt a wondeful 3 1/2 yr old little boy and my own son is 19 1/2 yrs old. This child had spent the first 22 months of his life locked in a room by himself. He has reactive attachment disorder, sensory dysfunction, adhd, speech delays, and some minor motor skills delays still after working with him for the last 18 months. There have been speech therapists & occupational therapists in my home twice a week besides his twice a week visitation with his biological parents. Usually the younger (under 3) children receive services in your home and than the older children can get their services at school. That will be something you'll want to consider. Younger children (again under preschool) don't go to see the therapists you go and work with them to find ways to deal with the behaviors at home and report back on the progress usually. My older son is emotional handicapped, adhd, borderline autistic, and learning disabled and with the older children you'll need to make sure you think about plans to go get them from school should they have to be removed because they tend to act out when they first come in to the new situation. Try to find a foster mom in your area that has been doing this for a while as a resource. They can answer questions for you and give you feed back on your concerns. There is usually one or two involved in teaching the certification programs- and they are usually more than willing to help. If I can answer any questions please contact me at kpratt2@rochester.rr.com any time. If I don't know the answer I will try to find it for you. Good luck

[Mammie]

Hey Laura,

Once you get your foster license and get your feet wet, you can always change the ages you want (or how many you take in).

For instance, my husband and I wanted to foster a sibbling group, ages 0-7years. (we thought about going up to 10 years, but was warned not to until we got used to the world of foster parenting and all the 'lovely' things one experiances.)

This is our first family - boys - and when they came to us, they were 7 years, 3 years and 2 weeks from being one year.

We had no other children in the house (save for the 20 year old son from my previous marriage who comes home to eat and do laundry.) However, I remember the day, about 4 months after recieving the boys, I looked at my husband and said "The next family we get, I do not want anything over 5 years old!" The honeymoon had been over for a long time!

At the time most of the behavorial problems where coming from the 7 year old. Not only had he picked up bad stuff at home, but at school as well. And being the oldest out of 6 kids, he was the one who had the most baggage. It was bad enough that this kid was hurting inside...it was almost intolerable how he would treat those younger (including the kittens)than himself.

He hurt his little brothers with no care in the world. He would break their toys just because he did not want them to have them. He would treat them mean if they got any attention from us. He would be bossy, talk back and disrespect the rules. He would ruin family fun outings. He would lie like a rug and think nothing of it. There were other things as well.

Now I know things could have been alot worse...but the sad thing was he was teaching his little brothers to do the same thing by example. (and of course, the little ones would get corrected as well as the older one) It was really hard to deal with.

Now most of these problems could have happened because it's a sib group. Perhaps some of it would not have happened if the older one was sepparated from the younger ones. (and we are not into separating families if we can help it) I dunno. Just from our experiance, when the oldest was not around, the two younger ones could function like normal children. When the oldest came home from school, I would cringe!

Things are better. The oldest still has his moments (don't we all) and the younger ones seem really adjusted.

However, we have already told the licensing worker that when the next family comes around, we will have to think long and hard about accepting a school-age child. I think it may be something we will try again, but after we have had more fostering experiances.

[Gwen]

I have always disagreed with the younger than your own...Here is why???
I choose to foster teeenagers when my children where preschoolers, it seems that teenagers get an unfair wrap. Younger children who come into care often have baggage too and I wanted to make sure that there was an age gap big enough that my children could have seperate lives from the fc. My age choice was not about older or younger but about being far enough apart from my bio children that there was always the oppurtunity to seperate if need be. They never need to be in the same programs, grade at school etc.
Now my children are 9,10 and I will reconsider my age choice (I currently have a 17yearold and a baby) bc my bio children are becoming teens and I want them to do it free from the influeneces (at least in home) of poor examples.
It is a personal choice, yet I think that younger or older really has never caused me grief but the foster children close to my bio childrens age casued the most issue with my own children
This approach has worked for us....although most would disagree with my choice of teens

[1112]

We take Girls 0-17 and boys 0-5. I perfer teens but will take what ever child need our home. We don't take older boys b/c all of our children have been sexually abused and we try not to mix them. We have a 25, and 23 yr old daughters that we had since they were 2 and 4 and a sibling group 5,6,and 8. We are currently waiting for a boy 4 and 3 girls. ALL of the f/c have issues, no matter what age. (don't we all)

[laurafye]

Very interesting replies, so far. You each have given me alot of different points of view and I think of them all. Perhaps teenagers would be a good choice...I, luckily, have alot of time to make this decision.
Another point/question I'd like to bring up, if I may...
Yesterday, a good friend brought up to me that perhaps we should wait until our BC are older before we take any FC. Her reasoning was that I should be able to "reap the rewards" of my BC. That's to say...I have a toddler and a newborn, so if I were to wait to take FC, I could actually enjoy some time to myself when my BC are more self-seficient and allowing me to get a full night's rest. I understand what she's saying and as much as that makes sense, I've never been a patient person. Becoming a foster parent has been weighing heavily on me for quite some time and frankly, I just don't want to wait.
Suggestions/comments on this?
I hope you all know, who read this, I truly take your advice to heart and am looking to this forum to help me make educated decisions for myself, my marrage and my family (regarding Foster Care). So far, there's been alot brought up that I hadn't even thought of, and that's just what I was hoping for. I look forward to contintuing reading your advice/experiences/replies.
Laura

[2bemama]

When we started fostering, my step-daughter was 13. We had a sibling group of 2....which increased to 3 when ** had another baby. They were with us almost 9 months. In the mean-time, we were expecting a baby.....my son was born 3 months after our foster children were reunited with their bp. At that time, my dh and I decided to not take any more kids until our son was 1 year old. We enjoyed this time with him....however, we were anxious to return to foster/adopt parenting. When my son was 11 months old, we received a newborn directly from the hospital. My son is now 2 years old and our fs in one. Our fs is to reunited with bp in the next few months. We will most likely take a "break" and then let our SW know that they can call on us again.

You have two really little ones......I personally would wait a little longer. Finish all your classes, homestudy....etc. At least you have everything in order. I hope this helps....I'm sure you will receive more respones to your questions. Good luck!!

[Gwen]

I must say, personally, that fostering (especially the adjustment of new placements) requires a huge amount of time and energy. When i first had a newborn fc, having to care for my other fc without SLEEP was a challenge. You need to be willing to sacrfice a lot of that time to the fc. So your choice to foster now or later should really be based on how much you are willing to GIVE UP now. Nobody says that you cannot get licensed now and explore the option a little later........
However, when my children were little the older teenagers REALLY helped and it was one of the proudest moments having the older foster children learn to read by reading to my babies......Plus, most teenagers had chores that helped with the daily stuff like dishes and such.
You will do what is best for you, and when it is best......
Just keep asking and somehow you will sort out what is best for your family.....
All the best Gwen

[newMafamily]

We are starting the process of licensing for foster care and I have been talking to my boys 7yr, 11 yr about it. I don't really want any long term young children. I was surprized that they are clear they don't want any babies. Basically no one who is not in school. I am not keen on younger kids long-term either. My boys are basically looking to have kids thier own age. I am clear to them that we are not getting playmates for them but actual children who they may or may not have thier same interests. I am now watching closely to see what ages they seem to get along with so we can judge better. You might try that with the older children. One of the other things we are considering is emergency and respite care first to get a sense of things.

[RKT64]

We have fostered 16 children in the past 4 years and have just competed our 5th adoption. The ages of our children are 7,7,6,3 and 1. We are also fostering a 2 year old and a 4 month old. As sad as it sounds, most of the children coming into foster care come with a multitude of problems. The older the child - the more behavior/discipline issues (as a general rule). Even toddlers have issues - as the brain has formed many of it's pathways by the age of 2. My best advise to you would be to take very young children unless you are 100% aware of the behaviors that the older children have. It is wonderful to accept older (more difficult to place) children, but you must be certain not to put any of the young children in your home at risk. Best of luck.
Rhonda