[leenab]

I just could figure out what was going on with one of my sons to make him act out so much. Well, the other day he finally told me. He wanted a new name like our other little boy. We're at the point in M's adoption process where we were allowed to start using his new name in order for him to get used to hearing it.

We explained it to both M & K and told K that he'd get a name later. Apparently that just didn't make him happy. We've been explaining the adoption process to the boys, as has the therapist. We all told the boys that getting a new name is part of the process. We all discussed what their names would be. We just weren't prepared for M's caseworker to give us the news that the naming process could be happening now.

So I spoke with K's caseworker and she said we could start calling him by his new name. But her office doesn't believe names should be changed when children are older.

So M is 3 and K will be 4 soon. Both of them have expressed a huge interest in having new names. M loves his new name. We only started calling K by his new name yesterday and he can't stop smiling, everytime I say it.

Is it common to keep the child's name? We're not keeping any part of their names.

Thanks,
LeenaB

[dadfor2]

in our case, we are actually keeping their first names and using their last names as their middle name...yes, they will have long names, but who cares.


both boys are excited about their name changes....but we felt we didnt want to have them lose their whole identity.

they had names before....given by thier birthmom...as much as the birthmom abused my kids, its my kids pain and thier lives not mine...

so, for their future, (im sure my kids would love to change their first names, its fun being called something else.....) i was thinking that when they get older, and i took away everything from their past lives, they may blame me for it, they are so young now, they just might not remember this stuff.

Plus names, are just that to them, names...its when we get older, we realize what our names are and mean to us...we either really hate them, or we really like them.

but for us, we decided, that it really wasnt up to us to decide to change the only link to their birthfamilies as it stands today.

so this way, we keep THEIR pasts part of THEIR lives.

i know alot of people change everything...but for us, because they are not infants....that was our decision.

dadfor2

[newkid]

It never occured to me that someone would change their child's first name unless the child was an infant. It seems that the child couldn't help but have part of their identity tied to their name. But of course if the child is happy with it and the therapist agrees it must be okay. Is it symbolic of a new start?
Just curious, were the names unusual? How did you pick the new names? Are they similar to the old?

[browntap]

In my family, my parents let the older kids decide if they wanted to change their names or not. Some changed their names to something very similar (Ernie to Ernest, Steven to Stephan), but one brother completely changed his name. They (the kids) stated that they wanted to start fresh. I think, as is with most issues, it is difficult to make a blanket statement whether one should or shouldn't change a child's name. I believe it is on a case-by-case scenario.
Good luck.

[jamie3]

We are leaving R's name because we like it. His middle name is nice too so that stays. However, we really didn't like's C's first name. It wasn't even something we felt like we could get used to. So we began calling him by his first and middle name when we got him. After about month we started dropping the first name. Now he is just C. and even R. has completely dropped the first name.

When we adopt we are going to change the order of his first and middle name legally. He will still have the name he was called for 2 1/2 years but it will be his middle name. I do not like the idea of calling a kid by his middle name.

[spfstr5]

We adopted my daughter when she was six, she lived with us from birth and we always had called her K..., the name given her by her birthmom.

At 6, she expressed interest in changing her name however I got the sense that the name she had selected was more on a whim. We talked with her about it and decided to keep her name K... Sure enough, now at 10, she no longer likes the name she would have picked at 6, and says she wishes she had thought to change her name to that of her current favorite pop star.

I explain that I love her name, it is so much a part of her, but that if at 18 she still wants to change her name to that of her favorite pop star, she can (very unlikely because of course her favorite will change by then as well)

On the other hand, we had a child with a very unusual name who was always teased for it. He asked that we appreviate his name while he was here, and when he was adopted by another family he changed his name to a very common name. He was only 8 at the time, but is very content with his new name and this was the best choice for him.

Every child is different and only you and the child can decide what is right for him or her.

[leenab]

The reasons for changing are 2 different ones:

M was born M, given up by his mother at birth and placed in a foster/adopt family as a baby. He was renamed another name upon arrival, S. The case worker didn't know it. So he grew up as S. Well at 2.5yrs old he was removed from the first fost/adopt home due to criminal charges parents in the house had against them recently. He was then in emergency care for 2 months and called M. Then he came to live with us. We were told we could call him M or S. He told us he hated S and his name was M. So that's what we called him. A lot of our friends are pregnant and thinking up names and kids talk among themselves....so M was talking to one of his friends whose mother is pregnant about naming the baby. He decided he wanted a new name too, given to him by us. M really doesn't mean anything positive to him, and S just causes him hurt. So we're renaming him O. A. One indian name firstname and one american middlename. He loves his new name. We've explained that with adoption he'll get a new name. Then the caseworker said it was ok to go ahead using his new name.

K has a completely different situation. He was born K, lived with his parents for a little over 2 yrs and was removed for neglect and abuse, mother has 0 out of 11 children. He associated his name with a lot of bad memories. He just really wants a fresh start with a new name, and is so anxious for the adoption day. So he'll be R. X. a again an indian first name and american middle name.

Both of the boys had very common names. But my husband and I have very uncommon names. DH's name is common in India, but not heard a lot in the US. My name is just pretty uncommon.

Plus we tried for so long to get pregnant and failed at it horribly. I had so many names picked out. But my mother in law ended up picking our M's first name after seeing him. It's not that I don't like the boy's name's because they are cute names. It's because we want them to feel comfortable with their names and have positive feelings associated with them. So that's the story with renaming our boys.


LeenaB

[Gwen]

I have a fchild who is two. We are now well on our way to adopting. When we first realized that he would be adoptable , my hubby and I, talked about a new name. We were sure we were going to change his middle name.....(it was J, J, J, J) it sounded horrible, and we wanted the middle name to be that of his " new" grandfather. Yet, the first name change was considered bc of security reasons. The bio family knew our last name, were hostile and we live in a VERY small community (they are bound to see us walmart sooner or later)....

Anyway, at 18 months we tried to change his anme gradually...WELL, he shook his head with such defiance when we tried to use that new name (even with the old name involved) So, our solution to the security issue if that we chose to keep his current first name "J" (which really is nice and we are soooo used to calling him that) and moved it as his middle name. Although we will continue to call him "J", his first name for registration purposes will be different. We have been using that order the now and then to refer to him and he is fine.

[Redangel]

I just had a phone call from my fs (soon to be just son) birthmom asking if I would leave his last name the same as his birthfather. It really threw me for a loop. I just let her know that we will be keeping his first name that they named him when he was born. He will have a name given by them a middle name from my family and his adads last name. It just struck me that she ask me that.

[Gwen]

That is bizarre!!!!!

[Mama2Javi]

i adopted my son as a single mom, though i was (and still am) in a long term relationship. my son has a name given to him by me as i adopted him at his birth (was in the delivery room).

my partner and i are planning to marry, but we've hit a dilemma. the adoption is open and my son's birth parents are involved - sort of like aunt and uncle. i don't know what to do about our names.

i'd like to keep my name and my son's name the same - which means not taking my partner's last name. however, if we have a child, that child will have my partner's last name.

so, my options are - change my and my son's last name to my partners so that it will match any eventual offspring or be content having two children with different last names. this option bothers me because i do not want my children to be separated by the adoption (if that makes sense) and different last names seems the ultimate "one of us is different" signifier.

also, my son's birth father thinks that changing my son's name to that of my partner is a slap in the face and has been trying to coerce me into changing my son's last name to his (birth father's). this is not going to happen, but changing the name to my partner's could cause more tension between us. the birth father doesn't really understand that keeping my son's name different from ours could be potentially damaging for my son.

this would all be much easier if everyone took my last name, but you know how that goes.

any suggestions, comments, opinions?

[spfstr5]

There are so many blended families of various sorts that we encounter every day.

Adoptive families, step families, grandparents raising grandchildren, the list goes on and on. Several of my married friends who are moms kept their maiden names.

In my own case, my dad died when I was four. My mom re-married and changed her name, but not mine or my brothers.

It never bothered me that my last name was different then my moms - it was my name and part of my identity just as my first name was mine.

At that time, it was less common for there to be numerous last names in one household, but that has changed. My children have many classmates who do not share the same last name as their parent/guardian or with some of their siblings.

Not sure how this helps, but your question just got me thinking about this.

[Mama2Javi]

thanks for your comments - i think that i may be overanalyzing this because i am so worried about my son's eventual realization that he is adopted.

he's 3.5 now and i think it'll soon be time to start explaining it, but right now i don't think he'd "get it". also, his birth mother is my sister and she has a child who is 14 months younger than my son. i worry that he'll feel like an attachment to our family if his name is different from ours when combined with other information about his birth parents.

i will probably keep my last name - and my partner is open to hyphenating. i know that he wants both children to have his last name, though.

ayi! when i brought my son home from the hospital i had NO IDEA how far-reaching the complications would be! this is why i just love it (note the sarcasm) when people talk about his *real* parents - as if they have a clue what kind of impact their actions will have on my son. they are oblivious and really just after the ego-stroke that comes from being [in essence] the fun-and-laughs aunt/uncle.

[Lindsie]

Mama2Javi
Why not leave your son and your name the same, don't hyphenate your husbands and then hyphenate any children of the marriages names? That way he will still feel part of the family because he'll still have your name. If he wants to change it when he gets older, do it then. As for the birthparents, is his last name the same as theirs now? if not then what is the problem with you changing it to something new?

[Mama2Javi]

i think i've decided to do just that. also, i haven't really decided if there will even be any more children ...

thank y'all for letting me vent, etc. it's hard to think logically/rationally about this stuff sometimes!