[seashel]

We've had our fd's since Valentines day. They are ages 2 and 4. The 4 yr old has RAD. It is starting to take a toll on us emotionally. BMom is out on bond, due to be sentenced this friday (meth lab, abuse, neglect etc. ) BDad is in a corrections facility for parole violation, don't know if he will go back to prison. Now an Aunt has come forward who may want the girls. The girls see their other 2 siblings in care, their 1/2 sisters and grandma every Sunday. our 4yr old fd and her brother who are also in care feed off of each other at visits, grandma fills tells them all kinds of things she shouldn't like, hey, guess what your mom is out of jail, and by the way you are going to go live w/your aunt. At yesterday's visit she gave the 4 yr old a makeup kit and the 2yr old a feather boa. How inapproriate are these gifts! They are so out of control after visits, very wild, don't listen, act out etc. They usually start to settle down about Wednesday or Thursday just to have another visit on Sunday and the process starts all over again. We've been having real probs with the 4yr old ecspecially after she found out mom was out of jail and they got a letter and drawings from her as well as a book on tape from their dad. Since then the 4yr old has smeared poop twice since we've had her, been very aggressive toward kids smaller than her at daycare and we can't leave her alone w/her 2 yr old sister that we have becuase within a few seconds the 2yr old is crying. Gosh, what to do. If they are going to go to the Aunt, then DFS needs to get that going, or if we are going to keep them visits need to be reduced. Somethings gotta give my hubby and I are becoming emotional recks. DFS has been no help about having the visits with grandma and sibs changed. In effect she is really slow, and almost never returns our casemanager/therpaists call (we are w/a private agency). Help how do you handle the emotional rollercoaster, not knowing if the kids are going to stay or go. I don't think I have it in me to parent them for a year just to turn and around and give them back to their abusive parents. HELP!!

[lucyjoy]

Your stuck or can ask to have the kids removed. The system isn't set up to work in FP favor and it's early for a permanancy plan. One thing you might try is to rock the four year old before and after visits to help her refocus. Keep inappropriate gifts in a box for her somewhere. Another thing to try, although I agree four is way to young for makeup, play with it with her once and put it up for special mommy time only. That way the gmom won't think you're just trying to keep her gifts from the children. Working with the system is no fun and keeping an unattached child in limbo is so unhealthy and the acting out behaviors are symptoms of the bigger issue. Very hard to keep a positive focus in the midst of that lovely poop art, I know.

[HappyMomAnna]

seashel--I am so sorry this is so frustrating and agree with Lucyjoy there is so little that can be done in this situation except to work with the system toward the plan they end up making. I know this does not help and can only imagine how difficult it really is after these visits.

I agree also with Lucyjoy and know it can be very difficult but anything you can do to help with attachment skills will be best for the four year old.... I can imagine it is difficult to even want to work on these things when you have no idea what the end result will be with placement--but, any efforts here can only help her in the future...rocking and connecting with her will help her brain learn to conncet with love of you or any other future caregiver.

I hate the gifts that are too old to be given to little girls....We got a Boa and Barbies for our 5-year old which I found to be unbelieveable for such a young little girl---I have done the same as Lucyjoy suggests and let there be a one time play and then removal to a secure location.

[HappyMomAnna]

Also--have you and DH had a break since the girls were placed with you?

If not see if you can get respite care and take a night or weekedn off and enjoy each other for a while....This is often something we fail to do in the first several months after placement and after awhile we need to take some time to spend with each other.....

[seashel]

Yes, we actually had a break on Saturday night. It was our first night away from the girls since we've had them. We've also had a few hours away from them to see a movie and go out to dinner.

[HappyMomAnna]

Our children were not placed as Foster but as pre-adoptive and I can tell you the first 6-months were completely draining! It took so long for us to get used to the whole situation!

I bet it really felt good to get a break!

We have started planning a weekly night out! It has cost us a few buck because often the same sitter will not sit twice--but, we keep doing it....Every Monday I start working on the new Thrusday nighjt out plan....because my husband and I need it even if we just go sit in the car for two hours and talk! We did have fun making out one night around the corner like teenagers!

And we have also found that if we split the children up our sitters are more happy to sit a second time! Right now we have someone come to the house for one kid and take the other kid to grandmas, or aunties or to another sitters house!

Take the breaks and you are early in this whole placement and change of life--it is so hard when there are visists and other issues!

Good luck and you are in my thoughts.

[sfbaymom2000]

I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you are experiencing, and I truly hope things improve for you. We are just beginning this journey (foster-adoption). As soon as I read one encouraging story, then I read one like yours and get scared. I know that the adjustment will be difficult for virtually all foster kids and families, but it is the degree of difficulty that concerns me. Were informed before placement of any of the behavioral issues and RAD that you mentioned? I am just trying to get an idea of what to expect. Even with all the difficulties, are you hoping to eventually adopt them?

Good luck and hang in there!

[PinkRibbon]

When I read your post I wanted to ask you if you think your training did an adequate job training you and preparing you for what foster care would be like? I'm asking because what you talk about seems pretty typical of foster care stresses. My training classes were for both foster and adoptive parents and I thought they did a very poor job preparing the parents for what to except. I had done an internship about 12 years ago in foster care at the agency so I was already aware of different types of scenarios and that was glossed over during training.

[seashel]

Thanks for all of your replies:

Pink Ribbon: Yes, some of these things were discussed in our training, but maybe not to the full extent that it should've been. We are a fost adopt home. According to our therapist we have one of the most difficult/convoluted (sp?) cases that she has ever seen. Why this is becoming so difficult is that my hubby and I both work full time. We already have so little time w/the girls to effectively parent etc. We transport once a week on Sundays for visits w/Grandma and siblings. All this will change next week. We will have to transport for bi-weekly sibling therapy and if mom doesn't go back to prison/jail we will have to do weekly visits w/the bmom, not to mention the weekly therapy appointments. That leave us w/ Saturday and a 3 nights during the week to spend quality time for bonding etc. We think that this will just be too much for us to handle. I don't feel like a parent, but a taxi service.

Yes - we knew that our 4 yr old fd had possible RAD. It was confirmed w/in a few weeks of having her. We were told when we took them that the 4 yr old would be the most difficult of the kids. I' familar w/RAD. We had a previous placement that had RAD.

[seashel]

Update:
We found out that the girls bmom is only up on misdameanor charges and will not have any jail time. As much as it breaks my heart we have decided to have the girls moved. I'm not willing to be a transport service several times a week. I wanted to be a parent not a hotel and taxi. After they are moved we are done. I am not able to handle how the system works in favor of the family and not the child. Our 4 yr old fd is really acting out in daycare and has even hurt a few of the other kids smaller than her. I'm afraid how she will act out after having visits w/bmom. I just can't take the risk.

[Howdy]

Poor seashel! I totally sympathize. I'm in the legal risk program and my fd had way too many visits and appts in the beginning. They emphasized in training that we needed to be willing to do visits, but I expected one or two at most, and I inaccurately expected that visits would be on weekends/evenings. I also inaccurately expected that child therapists would have appts on weekends/evenings.

Luckily I got a great kid (not perfect, but relatively great, no real problems), but the first couple weeks I had to take so much vacation from work to take her to visits/appts, that it could not have continued. But the caseworker and my social worker were wonderfully responsive and found volunteers to pick up my kid at school (even though it is over 20 miles away), and they moved the visits to a closer (to me) location (over protests from the parents), and then when the aides weren't available and the caseworker did the picking up, that motivated her to reduce the number/duration of visits and put all the visits on the same day. So now I "only" miss 3 1/2 hrs from work each week, and I get that made up either on the weekend or by bringing my fd to work with me after a visit/appt. It still gets old, but it is doable.

But if the caseworker hadn't been able to arrange things, I would have had to give up my fd. I don't think I'd have been too discouraged to try again, but that's probably because the previous fd I had last fall (also a sweet kid) didn't have any visits or appts (she was supposed to be having therapy but it took months to get it all set up), so I know there are kids out there that are both problem-free (relatively) and with low overhead (no appts).

I'm sorry your experience was so bad. I hope after you've had a recovery period, you'll try again. Now that you are experienced, you'll know what is acceptable to you and what isn't, that should help make your next experience a good one.

[jamie3]

We got ours on Feb. 2 so we are at a very similar spot. Our bio son is unhappy with the boys and we are worn out. We are talking about disrupting. Actually as of last night we had decided to throw in the towel but this morning dh is feeling very guilty and wants to think about what to do a little longer. I am so tired and don't know if I can do this much longer. We originally wanted one child but we were talked into taking siblings. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Email me if you want to talk.

[seashel]

Thanks for all the replies and Support!

I talked to their therapist today. The 3 girls will be moving to their paternal aunt within the next 30 days. Guess it is a moot point that we gave notice to disrupt. They will be working on a transition plan this week. Most likely she will have a few overnight visits before they move. I wish her the best of look and hope that she is a strong women. The 9 mos old and the 4 yr old both have RAD (reactive attachement disorder) and are quite the handful. Eventually they will be going back to their bmom.

After much soul searching my hubby and I have decided that fostering/adopting thru the system is not for us. I get too emotionally involved and attached. I'm not capable of working with a system that fails the kids and is all about the abusive parent. It is just so hard for me to grasp that with all these kids have disclosed about the abuse, neglect, drug use, sexual abuse about their bmom, she is only going to be charged with misdameanor child abuse charges.

I just need to be able to keep it together, (for the girls sake) until they are moved. I think that our therapist/w the private agency is really disappointed w/us. But I can't help it, I've been pushed as far as I can go. I told her that if visits w/their bmom were to start while the girls are still with us that I am unwilling to transport them. Their bmom is engaged to a dangerous person and I am not will to risk our safety. Plus, if we are having probs with the 4 year old now, what is it going to be like when she sees her mom, I have to worry about her little sisters safety and the other kids in daycare safety as well. If she blows out of daycare my hubby and I would only be able to manage a few days off between the two of us and they would have to find an emergency placement for them, or they would have to move to their Aunts sooner than originally anticipated. I wonder if I'm being to unreasonable and uncooperative?

[lucyjoy]

Knowing ones own limits is not the same as selfishness. I hope the placement with the aunt goes well. One thing, though, a 9month old cannot have RAD. She can show signs of distress and poor attachment which can easily be remidied at this age thus avoiding the development of RAD. I hope someone will provide the aunt with the information she needs to parents these children. Sorry this has been so difficult for you.