[parentto2teens]

We have a foster daughter that is turning 17 tomorrow. She is basically a good kid but lately we have been having more issues with her. She has a new boyfriend and wouldn't obey curfew - which is 12:30pm on weekends. Her boyfriend is 19. So, we told her that if she did it again, she would be grounded. Well, she did and that time was 1.5 hours late. She doesn't understand that she has a curfew so we know where she is by a certain time. If she is running late, she hasn't called either - even though we gave her a cell phone a year and a half ago.

She doesn't call her counselors, her Independent living social worker or her regular social worker from the state to cancel appointments and everyone is always mad at her. She has attachment issues and always keeps her head down like she is afraid. All of us have worked with her on this.

The bigger issue though is that there is NO attachment. She could leave today and I wouldn't cry or be upset. She had left once before and went to another family because cheerleading at her old school was more important - then she came back here when she realized the other foster home was more like a room and board house and chose to give up cheerleading. The agreement was she would go to the high school right next door. Then, she tried for one semester.

the other problem is that having her here for one more school year makes it more difficult to adopt a child - emotionally -- as this situation isn't settled. My own natural daughter, age 15, is tired of the situation as well becasue this older girl just feels like a boarder in our home.

The girl would be able to go home later this summer to live with her mother but she has grown used to living in a large nice home, getting expensive clothes and trips. Truthfully, I WANT this girl to go home. The mom may also be able to get the brother back later this summer. She has been in 6 months of inpatient treatment. When this girl talks to her mom on the phone, everything is all hush-hush and she complains to her mtoher about us grounding her - well she deserves it. She complains about us wanting her to stay at the high school that is right next door instead of going across town for an 1 hour trip every day on the bus. I can understand that she wants to be with her classmates.

Then, on top of all that, she wants us to pay for this and pay for that -- I am very reluctant to do that when there is very little attachment.

Sure, I care about her. I treat her well but having her here also makes it more difficult for us as a family to look at adopting a child because she is in the bedroom.

I was in foster care in high school and had to move out of a great home and now I understand why. The fosterparents didn't have an attachment to me or my one year younger sister. But the result was that we got a much better long term foster home.

I would rather put my energy into an adoptive child and my natural daughter.

Help!!!!!!

[lucyjoy]

At what age will your state release her on her own? If her mother can take her back, tell her she needs to go there.
At 17, other than food and shelter, she needs to start paying her own way so she can know how to take care of herself while she's on her own. Does she have a job? There are a lot of people worrying about her, but noone is making her take responsibility for herself. She broke the rules, she loses her privledges. Talk with her independant living counselor and come up with a plan to get her moving toward adulthood. The relocation to her moms without all the perks should happen unless mom can't handle it. Let the worker know now that if that doesn't happen, you would like the girl to be moved.

[parentto2teens]

She does have a part time job now. But it took her over a year to get one because there was no incentive as she received the $100 a month we were supposed to give her. She is working with an Independent Living Agency to help her get going as an adult.

The issue for me is that I am not attached to her like a parent - she really is just like a boarder in our home and it has always been this way pretty much and she has been here since fall 2002 except the 6 weeks she went to the other foster home. I have wanted to quit fostering for a long time because I am tired of always having someone else involved in our family business. I am a social worker too but it is different being on the "other side" when you are also a FParent.

I feel guilty for telling her SW I want her to go home though. The girl - our FD - is scared that she will lose college funding if she goes home but she will have been in foster care for 2 years so I don't see how she would lose much funding. Our state has guaranteed funding for full college tuition and books for any foster child leaving foster care upon graduation that has been in foster care for a year or more. But the girls mother is very poor and she would probably get it anyway!