[sosfive]

Hi i would take any advice i have been waiting for a while for an out of state placement. Each day i wait by the phone because the paperwork will arrive anyday. I am a little nervous. I have been talking to the foster mom who has only had her for four weeks and she has told me about what behaviors she has noticed.

Stealing, being sneaky, lying, at times being smart with an adult but very apologetic when the foster mom says it is inappropriate, and acting as if she does not understand to throw you off. Oh yeah and the latest saying that she sees things that no one else does ( i am assuming it is from the scary movies she loves, or she is very imaginative but i am guessing counseling will help with this ) Any advice on how to set the tone about expectations in your home ( she is nine) i thought about a behavior chart. Also what are some consequences for breaking rules? And should this be discussed day 1?

Also she asked if her name could be changed and i said not until the adoption finalization. Do you feel it is okay if i give her a nick name and should i talk with her as we are on the plane about what we will call her from this day forward or should i wait for her to bring it up again.

[Howdy]

If she's already mentioned wanting to change her name, I'd think it would be very appropriate to discuss on the plane what she would like you to call her (I'm assuming she wants to change her first name too).

Does she see a therapist now, that bit about seeing things that aren't there sounds kind of scary (psychosis-ish, but I don't have any education in psychology so I could be totallly off). On the other hand, my previous fd was a great kid, but when she learned she was moving to live with her father (that she hadn't seen since she was an infant), she creeped me out all one weekend saying weird things and "hearing" a dog crying for help because it was dying. But after a few days she went back to being her usual normal self. So maybe your new daughter was having some sort of stress reaction (though added to stealing, lying, etc., it sounds like a situation where I would have wanted to have talked to a therapist before making any decisions) (unless the lying and sneakiness is just around things like 'did you brush your teeth').

Regarding consequences, it should depend on which rules she breaks. When my fd was a bit rude to my cats, her consequence was to have to pet them each for 60 seconds (one didn't want that, so the other got petted for 2 minutes and they both enjoyed the 'consequence'). My current fd has to say two nice things about me each time she says something rude about me. When she prevents me from doing what I want, or causes me to have to stop what I'm doing to deal with her, then I time the amount of time, and she has extra chores for that much time. It worked very well for things like when I want her to leave the room so I can change clothes and she wouldn't leave, or when she ran back to the house for something but then didn't return to the yard project and I had to go in and find her, or when she stole the county person's shoe and was playing keep-away with it.

Some consequences can just be cleaning up their own mess, like cleaning the mirror after getting nose prints on it.

Another good consequence is deducting charges from their allowance. Such as I give my fd a choice that either she can clean the mess she left in the backseat (misc food wrappers, art supplies, etc.) or I will clean it and deduct my fee from her allowance. That motivated her so much she cleaned the whole inside of the car front and back and vacuumed it! She said it was fun, aren't I lucky!

Another consequence is taking their stuff. Such as, I will give my fd so many seconds to pick up her stuff when she has left it on the floor (if its in the way, she can leave stuff on her own floor except when I'm ready to come in with the vacuum). If she doesn't do it I get to keep the item for some amount of time (depends on how much time I estimate will matter to her). Actually with the current fd I've only gotten to keep one stuffed toy for one day (she had a major tantrum, kicking the floor and everything) and she never lets her time run out on anything since then. The previous fd was very casual about her stuff, and I had to make a rule that she had to redeem it (I think I charged 25 cents per item) within two weeks, or else I'd donate it to the local charity place.

I don't know what would be good consequences for lying, stealing, etc., I've only had two fd's and the only thing either were sneaky about was teeth-brushing, and one I just had to stay and watch her and the current one has become self-motivated (after a couple painful dentist appointments).

I don't know about behavior charts, but I think a 'things that must be done each night/each morning' chart is helpful, like change underwear, brush teeth, put breakfast dishes in sink, etc.

If you haven't read Love and Logic (or listened to their zillion tapes - check your library if you are interested), it is really good about explaining consequences, and about the kind and loving 'that's-so-sad-for-you' attitude the parent needs while enforcing consequences.

Good luck with your new child!

[lucyjoy]

I would second the RAD research.

Don't put to many things in her room until she's able to take care of them. It is very hard to have to take things away and much better to be able to give things.

Don't give any warnings. Once a rule is given, she may feel the need to test you by breaking it. It is important to pass these test.

Natural consequences are best. For stealing-restitution, repeated stealing-line of sight supervision.

Disrespect-early bedtime to rest mom's ears, loss of privledges.

Make sure rules are simple and clear.

Be sure the therapist you choose is familiar with adopted children and attachment.

Since she likes to play dumb, don't assume she knows anything. If her chore is to vacuum, teach her how you want it done. Show her how to set the alarm clock.

As for the Name change, I wouldn't be to quick to do anything for two reasons: first, she may assume changing her name will change her and erase anything bad in her life. Second, that's too much control for a young child to have at this point , especially one with the behaviors you described.

I'd recommend reading Adopting/Parenting the Hurt Child by Greg Keck and Regina Kupecky and Cline and Faye's Parenting With Love and Logic, and Nancy Thomas When Love is Not Enough.

Hope everything goes well.

[PinkRibbon]

Originally posted by sosfive
Also she asked if her name could be changed and i said not until the adoption finalization. Do you feel it is okay if i give her a nick name and should i talk with her as we are on the plane about what we will call her from this day forward or should i wait for her to bring it up again. [/b]

During training we were specifically told it is not ok to change the child's name or call her something else until the adoption is finalized. This doesn't include calling Christina Chrissy, but calling Christina... Britney haha.
I would check with your CW before doing so.

[sosfive]

Thanks for all the advice and support i have read an have noticed similar symptoms of RAD. The lying is more i have a dollar missing and where is it. For several hours she has no clue but then she will come later and will admit itwith a sad and supposedly apologetic story . MOM stole around her. sneaky as in taking things to school without permission, if not looking she may do something, ex. threw a shoe at one foster child when foster mom was not looking. As far as seeing things the sw thinks she is telling stories or lying. She has been made to keep secrets all her life so i have no clue if this is why she lying. All advice i will use especially for the consequences i am nervous it looks like she will be here right before good friday. As far as therapist i am setting that up ASAP. Wish me luck and i will keep you posted. Thanks again for the advice.

[leenab]

Our first son had a situation happen like this. He was born with one name, given by his bio parents. He was placed with his first foster/adopt family when he was weeks old. They renamed him immediately, even although they weren't allowed to. Well things did not work out. The family got into some trouble and the child had to be removed. At the time of removal he was 2 yr 20 months. And very confused about his name. He was placed in an emergency home and called both the old name & name the family had given him. When he was placed with us he didn't want to be known as the name the foster family named him. So we called him by his birth name.

When we finalize the adoption he knows he's going to get a new name. He even knows what it will be. But we don't call him by it. The only person who does is my mother-in-law as she chose the name. She lives in India and won't be seeing him until the adoption is final anyway. She only talks to him once a week for 5 minutes. So it's not too big of a deal. He just turned 3 and really loves to talk to her. I explained it to his caseworker and she's ok with it.

I do know a lot of people rename their fost/adopt children, but it's not recc. I can understand why after going through this with our son. He knows he'll be getting a new name when we adopt him; I think it will make that day special in his mind.

I think you should stick with her birth name until you finalize the adoption. A lot can happen between day one of placement and the finalized adoption. It can be hard on a child to have their name changed. Just explain to her that on adoption day she will get a new name. Maybe you could make it into a project for her to pick her name. You know make a list of names and their meanings and have her make a list of well known people with that same name. This way while waiting for finalization she'll have something to think about and keep her busy.


LeenaB