[Dawn-NJ]

We are a bi-racial couple, DH is CC, I am Hispanic (I look like a light skinned cc/aa mix) We have a bio daughter that looks very much like me, but with even lighter skin and light colored eyes.
We decided to go foster/adoption for our next child. OUr goal is to find a boy to adopt, we are in our early 40's and want to complete out family as soon as possible. Starting classes at end of April with a private agency.
The preliminary paperwork I have filled out, and my conversation with the agency person we told them that we were intrested in a cc, Hispanic child or a mix raced child similar to our daughter. After having few conversations with my dh this is what we decided . We don't feel that we would be comfortable with a child or another race. THat would look totally different than us and have people stare or have the child feel like an outsider.
I feel very strange saying this, I feel I sound like a racist. I know we are not. But from just reading this I am sure it seems that way.
Is there anyone out here that feels the same way. I am scared of getting a lot of bashing responds , but I know that I will. I wanted to write this a while a go but was scared to do so. But it seems to me that there must be others that feel this way.
We live in New Jersey.

[mckenna]

sorry you felt scared to post. adopting outside of your race is not for everyone. it is much better to admit that it would be uncomfortable for you to raise a child not of your race now than to adopt outside of your race just because you don't want to "look like a racist" in that case everyone suffers. you know what is best for your family. good luck in your adoption journey.

[djb_97]

Hi Dawn -

I do not feel you're a bad mother or person for that matter, you know what your limits are and that's great! You are thinking of the child.

However, I am not familiar with the fost-adopt program, I'm sure that you'll be attending classes and they may help you feel more comfortable caring for a child of another culture and you may choose to reconsider.

Good luck!!

Hugs,
Deb

[riley6]

No, I don't think it makes you a bad mother.

When we began fostering/adopting, we had to fill out the paperwork that asked what race of the children we would accept to foster and which we would take to adopt. For fostering, I put down any race. For adopting I didn't mark full AA. I hope I don't get bashed for saying this. I'm trying to just be honest. It's not that I wouldn't or couldn't love a child who is full AA, but I know that with kids in the fc system, there are enough issues to deal with and I didn't want race to be another one.

I've had 20 fc. All but two have been CC. One was AA and one was Latina. When I was out with the nonCC children, I'd get stares, comments and questions. I didn't like being conspicuous. I grew up with an wonderful, loving AA stepmom. I hated hearing what I heard when we'd go out. I hated the way I was treated in school bc of her race. I didn't want to have a child of mine to go through that. I know kids get teased for all kinds of things, but like I said, I didn't want race to be another issue.

The 4 kids we are adopting are CC. Ironically, we still get stares, questions and comments. Mostly about how many kids I have (I also have two grown children, who don't usually go out with us).

I guess the best advice I can give you is to do what you think is best for your family. If you feel that you want to adopt a child who "fits" in racially with your family, then do it and don't feel guilty. If you want to adopt a child who will look differently that the rest of your family, that's great too. Every family is different.

I really admire the adoptive families who expand outside their race. I also know from being friends with af's who are multicultural, that they have challenges and prejudices to deal with that I just can't.

[PinkRibbon]

I'm caucasion too and worried about the same thing. I'm adopting an older child and worried about her fitting into not only my family, but my social circle, which is primarily white. While no one is (at least outwardly) prejudiced, I didn't want her to feel different because of her looks. I also wasn't sure if I could immerse myself into another culture. I also thought that she would be bringing enough issues with her because of her past that this would be another one.
When i had my home study I was so afraid to say this, but the SW agreed with my reasoning and said that she was not be comfortable placing an african american child here because I don't have any AA friends. She said the goal was for my daughter to fit in with my family, not for me to have to change to fit in with her. I was really relieved, particularly because the SW assured me that it wasn't about prejudism, but what's best for me and my (future) daughter.

[cindy123456789]

I understand. It is hard to raise a child to be comforatbel being stared at when they are with their family. I feel the same way. My hubby and I are hopeing to foster /adopt and we want a child who will feel comfortable in our neighborhood. I have spent all my life trying to feel comfortable, I know what its like to be the odd one out. So, I think it is fair to give a child a home where he or she will always feel comfortable. You want your neighbors to be (safely) comfortable speaking to you and your child (not hiding their belongings as the kids grow up out of fear). You want your child to be able to play with neighbor kids, and not have parents tell their kids to stay away from your child becuase he or she is different. You want the best interest of your child. It is hard to raise a kid in that envirnment without them being hurt, or anrgy. I also wouldn't know enough about culture if they were interested, or role models that are positive for someone of a different cultural background. I don't mind working with kids of color, and wouldn't mind a temp placement, but would not feel comfortable trying to raise them to where they could easily find their place in society.

[Lorraine123]

Dawn -

We did foster-adopt and also requested a child the same race as us. We are anything but racist, although I was also worried that it would appear that way.

We were planning on adopting a special needs child and felt that those needs would be great enough. We didn't want to add to that. My dh and I felt ill equiped to handle racial issues. Since my daughter had significant needs, we had our hands full with just that.

Lorraine

[dadfor2]

no, nothing to feel bad about at all.

alot of parents adopt children that would feel like they fit into the family for whatever reason.

when we talked about adoption, we didnt care what the child looked like as we began discussing it.

as time went on, we felt more comfortable with cc child because we were.

Plus we felt the child would have other issues, we adopted older kids from foster care, and adding on that they didnt look like us at all might be another issue they would have to deal with.

we also decided we wanted a boy then a girl.....which i dont think was wrong either.

you will be asked exactly what you are looking for...be honest, it doenst make you a bad mother at all it just helps the social workers have an idea on what your family is looking for.


dadfor2

[mckenna]

quote

"You want your neighbors to be (safely) comfortable speaking to you and your child (not hiding their belongings as the kids grow up out of fear). You want your child to be able to play with neighbor kids, and not have parents tell their kids to stay away from your child becuase he or she is different. "

i am sorry, i don't want to turn this into a debate, but adopting outside of your race or not, should not be about neighbors and if you live by people like this, why would you want to raise any child in that neighborhood, regardless of race?

[spaypets]

Exactly what I was thinking, McKenna. I certainly don't want to associate with people who judge others on the color of their skin--whether or not they're my children. If I had caucasian children I wouldn't permit them to set foot in a house where the adults thought that people of color were criminals.

to the original poster: Not everyone is cut out to handle the amount of attention you get when you have a racially mixed family. DH and I existed pretty unobtrusively until we adopted our daughter who was born in India. Now everyone recognizes us. We've lost our anonymity. I wouldn't say people stare -- not in a hostile way -- we've never felt negative attention, just attention--much of it enthusiastically positive. It's not a situation that everyone can handle. People know automatically that our family was formed through adoption.

[Anigel]

I don't believe your feelings are racist. In fact I feel that it is best to admit you feel this way. I feel I would not be able to properly parent a child outside of my race, I greatly admire the families who are able to do that. Adoption is very personal, and it is extremely imporatant to have a good match. The best matches are made by being totally honest with yourself and your past. If you were matched with a blue child when you really wanted a purple one, who would suffer? The child. Be open and up front with your caseworker.

[leenab]

I really can't believe this thread. Dawn if you are already part of a bi-racial couple then what is the issue with not adding a race different from you & your husband's to your family. I thought you would be more understanding of race and culture.

I am part of a very racially mixed family: I'm caucasian, Dh is Indian (from india), one of my f/s sons is Haitan and the other is African-American. Honestly no one looks like each other, we're all different shades with different hair and very different facial features. We embrace diversity in our home. We also live in NJ which is a VERY UNRACIST state from my experiences at least. This is in terms of being a very mixed family.

In NJ there is a great amount of divide in terms of socio-economic groups. I feel NJ divides itself in terms of SE status more so than race. Everyone in our group of friends has accepted our children as our children; we've had no issues with friends.

"THat would look totally different than us and have people stare or have the child feel like an outsider."

No child is going to look exactly like you, and if you raise a child like he/she is your own then there won't be an issue of him feeling like he's an outsider. The bigger deal you make of something the more likely a child is to pick up on it. There is a lot of great information out there on conspicuous families that can be very helpful.

[maryjanek]

I believe we should respect all kinds of diversity -- including opinions different from our own. That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding you want to adopt a child who "blends" with your own racial mix. Or with deciding you want a girl or a boy, either, as some one else pointed out.

There are many African Americans who believe it is wrong to let a black child be adopted by a white family. I disagree with that view, but I just wanted to point out that there are differences of opinion about what's in the best interests of the child. And there are issues involved that some adoptive parents may feel unqualified, or just unwilling to take on. I think a little hesitation is a sign of cultural sensitivity, not a lack of it.

[thewatsonelf]

You got that right, McKenna!

My husband and I are both CC and our daughter is AA/CC. People instantly know she is adopted and always assume she is Guatamalen or Hispanic, which I find amusing. She is actually lighter skinned than I am. (I am of Italian heritage). People like to think they are lots more informed than they are.

You have to do what you think is the best fit for your family. I don't see color of any sort in any way but positive. I will probably get slammed for this, but I think my daughter celebrates the diversity our country offers. She's gorgeous, as most people of mixed race are. The Rock, Halle Berry, Tiger Woods.

After all, when my grandparents came here, it was still shocking for Italians to marry Irish people. (How funny is that now?)

You have to do what you think is best for your family and no matter what you choose, people will still look. Yes, we lost our privacy in a way, everyone knows us, (local paper did an article on adoption and we were featured) but I don't mind for the most part.

Part of my mission is to educate people on adoption.

Follow you heart and feelings. Knowing what is the best fit for your family is not racist.

[PinkRibbon]

Originally posted by leenab
I really can't believe this thread. Dawn if you are already part of a bi-racial couple then what is the issue with not adding a race different from you & your husband's to your family. I thought you would be more understanding of race and culture..

Wow, talk about judgmental.
I think part of what makes a good foster/adoptive parent is knowing yourself and what is best for your family, which Dawn does. That's a strength, not a weakness.
I was told that it's not just about accepting a child, but being culturally competent in that child's race and heritage. Since I do not have any AA friends in my close social circle and would have to go out and meet people, my CW said that having a biracially AA or AA child would not be considered because of the difference of cultures. This was my thinking anyway.
You might want to examine your own prejudices as to why you are so judgmental against Dawn's open and self aware line of thinking.