[ArmyWife55]

youre right, i dont want any of my children to hear things like that.. but i believe it would be much more painful for a child who is also the same race as the person in the joke. a racist joke is WRONG.... period.... and i wont intentionally allow anyone to say something racist around my kids.

however we arent going to keep our children from our families. we're very close to both sides and i can honestly say that this is literally the ONLY thing that disturbs us about them. i really dont think either side would ever make jokes in front of a child... ive never seen them do it before.... but kids can sense things... they can sense when there's any tension... and i simply dont ever want my child to feel like grandpa and mommy dont get along.

[Hunter's Mom]

My dad was always a big racist (we live in the south) and I always hated it. When his best friend's daughter gave birth to a bi-racial son a few months after my son was born, my dad's attitude began to change. I think sometimes it has to hit you where you live before you see that everyone is the same yet different underneath all our different shades of skin.

Also, I never allowed my dad to tell racist jokes or make racist comments around my son. He started to one day and my son, who was 3 at the time said "Papaw, Mommy's not going to like it when I tell her you said that word." My dad said, "Then we shouldn't tell her." and my son said "But we have to tell her, she's the mommy."

I know we live in a racist society (esp here in Alabama), but we do not have to contribute to it or allow it to be that way in our own families. I don't think it is a bad thing to choose children that are close to your own culture. I think that each person is called for a different purpose.

Christy

[Dawn-NJ]

I think it is awful that our society is still this way, where people make racist coment and have such negative attitude but we must live in this society. It is unrealistic to think that we are not going to be around our family or neighboors, for most of us, they are our support systems, emergency sitters, etc.

I know someone that is interested in foster program and she told me that her next door neighboor ( who had small children) uses the "n" word, how can she possible bring a aa child into her home. SHe doesn't have to leave the child with the neighboor but this child may turn into a adoptive child and this is not a positive enviroment to bring a child in.
In her case she is thinking that she may only accept cc placement, even if it means a much longer wait.
In my case I would not want my bio child to look so different from my adoptive child that, they will be made fun of or point them out when they are out together, like "Look the girl is theirs but the boy is adopted, see how he looks different than them." that is my bigest fear. That the child would feel bad and not have a positive self image. Society is cruel and kids .....forget it.
This is such a personal sensitive subject. We will never come to an agree on it. Everyone should take placements that they are comfortable with

[spaypets]

I think the point isn't how much you love your daughter, it's making sure she has the tools to survive as a person of color in this society.

The fact is, while she might be half caucasian, if she doesn't look white, she will be treated differently that white people. Our kids can only take advantage of our white privilege while they are with us.

I wish we lived in a society where we were truly judged only on the content of our character and not the color of our skin, but the fact is that we don't live in that kind of society. Those of us who are white are going to have to make an extra effort to prepare our children of color -- we will have to conciously teach skills and behaviors that AA parents model -- everything from hair care to how to behave in a store to the magazines we read and the movies we watch.

[Dizzysmamma]

First I want to say hi. "Hi!" I am a total newbie to the whole issue of fostering and adopting. SO and I only just started talking seriously about it yesterday. About 17 years ago I put my beautiful baby boy up for adoption. He went to a couple who had been trying for a long time to have a baby. At that time she had just m/c her fifth child. So I know he went to someone who desperately wanted a child and would love him unconditionally. I never asked if they were black or white or purple or whatever. I didn't care. My only concern was that they love him and would keep him safe and happy.
I am now on the other side of the issue. I have 2 other bio children. A 21 yo DD and a 6 yo DS. My children have been/are being taught to not see the color of a person't skin. I still am not sure tho if I am up to the challange of raising a child outside of my race. You all have certainly given me/us a lot to think about.

[spaypets]

Why would your friend allow any child to associate with a racist neighbor? Frankly, I wouldn't allow a child of mine to enter that house, no matter what shade of skin my child had.

[sonni]

yeah....so what if they look different than your bio kids. When people out in public comment about the difference just say, "yes, he's adopted". Be proud of that fact. I wish people would quit thinking adoption is some sort of taboo or something. Are you afraid someone might think your kid was adopted by your family? Is there a crime in that? When people comment on how different our biracial daughter looks I reply with "Yes, and isn't she beautiful, we are blessed". Sonni

[Nicole28]

My parent's requested a Caucasion baby when they begin the adoption process. Back in the 80's I guess it was just assumed that a Caucasion couple would be placed with a Caucasion baby, unless, of course, they adopted internationally. (come to find out, my non-ID info. informed us that I am Hispanic & Italian...so much for that!)

From time to time people on the outside of the adoption triad ask my parent's if they would have considered adopting a baby of different race. Truthfully, my parent's would have been proud, happy parent's of a baby of just about any race after waiting for a year & a half to be placed! However, my parent's waited for a Caucasion baby because that is what they felt in their hearts - that's what they felt would fit them best & complete their family.

Funny story - in high school I introduced my parent's to a friend of mine for the first time. She turned to me and asked "Why are they white, too?" Because I was adopted, she assumed that my parent's would be African American! (she wasn't the brightest...) Anyway, I thought it was funny how there are so many things people don't know about adoption.

I know that I want to adopt internationally & domestically. I'll be lucky to parent any child at all - but I know that I would be most comfortable parenting a child with the same ethnicity as me and/or my husband, simply because that's what I'm used to!

[purplestix]

"Why would your friend allow any child to associate with a racist neighbor? Frankly, I wouldn't allow a child of mine to enter that house, no matter what shade of skin my child had."

First of all I am the friend that Dawn was referring to. Secondly, a foster or bio child of mine will never enter that house. The point is that considerations beyond what our own feelings may be need to be acknowledged. These views are wrong absolutely. However they exist and run very deeply. And no amount of arguing with someone who feels this way is going to change that. If you remember, this particular person has children of their own and that is where the concern is. Children who enter my home will be attending the same school, playing in the same parks etc. Do you think that their children will be immune to the their parents words and ideas. I don't. I question what is said inside that house when no one else can hear. As a foster parent, the love we have inside us has moved us to act on behalf of children who have no one, and nothing, but abuse and neglect and scars and emtional baggage of unbelieable proportions. To me in my personal situation, I feel strongly that it is not in an African American childs best interest to come into my home. If we were in a different town then it might be a whole different story. But racism is unfortunately a part of life at this time and I think it is the loving and responsible thing to realize that.

There are plenty of ways to be ignorant in the world today. I feel making rash judgements is one of them. Pre judge - prejudice hmmmm?

[spaypets]

purplestix--Sorry, it sounds like I've offended you--I thought it was a legitimate question since the way the situation was described it sounded as if you would have contact with this neighbor if you had white children. I'm relieved that you don't wish to have any contact with them.

I am not questioning your decision to form the family you want. Indeed I think that people can be naive when it comes to the challenges of a multiracial family -- color does matter in this society.

And if you live in a racist town--of course, you shouldn't use children to make a political statement. But from my perspective, I would feel very uncomfortable living in a place that I perceived as full of bigots. I wouldn't choose to raise children in such a place because I think constant exposure to bigotry is as damaging to the majority as to the minority.

[purplestix]

I was pretty reactionary. Sorry. The fact that race is such an issue gets me so charged up.

[Mammie]

Hi Dawn!

No, you are not a bad mother!

My husband and I are foster parents (possibly to adopt) and we had a long discussion about the same thing.

We are white and live outside of Detroit. We are not racist. We have lots of love to give, and children are children in our book. However, we really had to pray for guidance to do the right thing by the child.

Though the metro area is teaming with all races (lots of AA and Middle Eastern, Hispanics and more Oriental) we decided to stay with our own race (or mixed ) simply because we did not want the children to feel uncomfortable.

You see, we live in an mostly white neighborhood (there is a couple of middle eastern families and a oriental family within 6 blocks) and go to church that has maybe 3 AAs. The school system seems to have a better mix of races, but still the majority is white.

We have talked to friends, co-workers and other foster parents to try to get a feel for what is going on.

***REMEMBER THIS IS WHAT HAS BEEN SAID TO US***

All races we talked to feared for the safety and well being for children of their race to be placed with another race. Let's face it: It is not a pretty world out there. People can be down right mean.

Black co-workers said they have problems when they see white people take care of black children. White people do not know how to do their hair or work with ash skin. They also said white people dress black children all wrong, and when black children live with white people, the black culture gets lost. The cultural issue was also an issue with our middle eastern friends and co-workers. Hispanic co-workers felt strongly for their faith and language.

Foster parents who have taken in other races have told us that they (the foster parents) get treated weird by both the white race and the race that the children come from. For instance, a foster family took in 3 black children, and when the foster mother took them to the doctor, the black women in the waiting room made some nasty comments. Foster parents told us that when you have children of another race come into your world, it is hard on them socially - and they already have enough on their minds. Also, when children of different races go back home to stay, alot of times they are ostrisized by their family and peers because they have 'taken on the white way' or have become 'Uncle Toms'.

***AGAIN, THESE ARE THINGS THAT WERE TOLD TO US***

We took a long, hard look at what was said. IT WAS NOT AN EASY DECSISON! We have love for everyone - we are all God's children. We decided that we could not put a child through that.

I know that every situation and every family is different. I do know there are some interacial families that have worked out everything. I believe that you must do what you feel comfortable with.

NO OFFENSE PLEASE!

[kllee4]

Mammie,

I didn't know if you were aware or not but the term "Oriental" is politically incorrect. Asian American is the proper term to use. I just wanted to point that out.

kllee