[Love_um_all]

I do think her skin is bueatiful and her hair, well just like all of us, we have times where it just needs to grow out some so I can do some thing with it. But I love how her hair has curls, it is just so dry. But I keep working with it. I love shade of her skin. And what is skin anyway? It is just a covering of what is inside, her precious heart. Which I want to protect. I have respect for AA's and will teach her that we are all God's children, and like my mom told me, I will tell her... "God made all different kinds of flowers and they are all different, red, yellow, blue, purple... and all bueatiful with their own purpose, and he made us the same." I would never want her to feel shame in her identity. Because it is a heart that make a person, not a flesh covering.

I believe a person is not the skin we wear, but the heart and mind that it covers.

[nursie]

Make the right choice for you and your family with NO guilt. Race does make a difference in our society no matter what people try to say to the contrary. It does not mean you could never love a child or an adult for that matter that looks or is different than you. I am totally understanding of your emotional struggle in this issue. But ultimately it is your family that will be affected by your decision and you should make that decision with confidence that it is right for you. It does not make you a bad person. Drop the negative feelings and enjoy this exciting time in your life.

[toyjsu]

Wow,

Ok this post was a long one to read. First let me say that I am AA. I can not trash the original poster because she wants to adopt a child that looks like her. I wanted a child that looks like me too. I was fortunate to be able to give birth to my mini me. If you don't feel comfortable with the child you adopt that child will know. It is, however, unfortunate that some people are more concerned about what society will say or think than about the fact that these are children who need love and parents. There are thousands of aa children in foster care who will never get a forever family. They are waiting for someone to say I love you and I want you. They had no control over the color of their skin but they are being punished for it. I have grown up in a loving home with parents who look like me. I was taught about respect of all people. I also grew up in mainly white enviroment. I have been the only aa in school, on my job, in my circle of friend. I have faced racism but only because parents teach it to their kids. You are not born a racist, it is taught. I am amused when people say they have an aa friend , I say me too! If they are your friends the fact that they are aa doesn't matter. You don't have to keep pointing it out.

We are in the process of adopting we have selected to adopt from all races. We are comfortable with that choice. We know we can provide for a child no matter what color their skin is. Our first foster child was hispanic/white. We loved her as much as our biological child. If she had of been available we would have adopted her. Yes we got looks but I just smiled back and hugged her closer. She was my child as long as she was in my care. My daughter learned that color doesn't define family.

It is ok to make a choice in your child just make sure your choice isn't teaching you child the wrong things.

[Cheryl62]

This is such a sensitive subject, because it mixes issues of race - which have always been emotionally laden, though pray God becoming less so!, adoption, and children and parents' emotions about so many different things that often are not really related to race or adoption.

Just to inject a different perspective! This is not only an issue for adoptive parents. My DH is my second marriage. He is asian, I am CC. His first wife was CC too. His two kids look like I could be their mother. Our two together are clearly mixed. My eldest could even, maybe halfway "fit". But my second daughter has the blondest hair and lightest skin you've ever seen. She hates being out with us (particularly in Asia, but also in the US!) to get the stares. I tell her it's because people aren't used to seeing a family with 6 kids, but she knows they're wondering whether the milkman stopped by the day she was conceived!

The stares are something some people can deal with and others can't. I've always been a kind of private person who didn't want to be stared at, or have myself or my family be the topic of discussion of the day. But, you can get used to it, believe it or not! Living in a poor developing country where staring isn't considered rude, and everything my family does and says is commented on by the entire area in which I live has cured me! I don't notice the stares anymore, and take it for granted that we're being discussed -- but, to be honest while not so uncomfortable, I'll admit I'm not totally thrilled with it yet either!

Good luck to you -- you will not be a bad mom because you have these kinds of concerns. Though I agree with one poster that exposing our kids to the kind of racist garbage out there is not what we should be doing. We used to have neighbors like that, and while my older kids were big enough to deal with it their own way, my younger ones were just kept away. When she noticed our family was more distant and unavailable for social events, she figured out why. Can you believe the mother had the audacity to tell me that when she or her kids says things about "those people" she doesn't mean MY kids or MY husband, because he's DIFFERENT (e.g., asian, not AA or middle Eastern). After I picked my mouth up off the floor, I said, yes, if you mean different from you, I agree -- he's not a bigot. Unbelievable, and no way my kids are hanging out there!

[Dawn-NJ]

Just want to thank everyone that responded to this post. I really enjoyed reading all of them.

[Missy M]

Originally posted by Love_um_all
I do think her skin is bueatiful and her hair, well just like all of us, we have times where it just needs to grow out some so I can do some thing with it. But I love how her hair has curls, it is just so dry. But I keep working with it. I love shade of her skin. And what is skin anyway? It is just a covering of what is inside, her precious heart. Which I want to protect. I have respect for AA's and will teach her that we are all God's children, and like my mom told me, I will tell her... "God made all different kinds of flowers and they are all different, red, yellow, blue, purple... and all bueatiful with their own purpose, and he made us the same." I would never want her to feel shame in her identity. Because it is a heart that make a person, not a flesh covering.

I believe a person is not the skin we wear, but the heart and mind that it covers.

Wow...I don't know how I missed this thread when it first started, but I did; I just found it today...I think the original poster has recieved enough input to satisfy her need to know whether or not she is being a bad mother by stating her desire to have a child that "matches" her family so I won't go there, I wanted to comment on the above post and one other poster who offered advice.
To Love_um_ all, I'd like to say that skin is so much more than a covering for the heart. Unless you are willing to embrace...not merely "overlook" and excuse her skin as an insignificant minor part of her then you are doing her a grave disservice. The color of her skin represents her heritage and that is something you have to teach her to love and enjoy being a part of; in order to do that YOu have to love it first. When you posted the comment about her hair I shuddered; (I am AA, husband is CC) her hair is what it should be for her; you need to work with what she has and not look forward to the day when it is longer, straighter, blonder, curler or anything else to "work with" because simply, put it may never become what you look forward to her having. Its all about accepting your child for who and how she is, not what you hope she will become.

PINK RIBBON:
You posted:
When i had my home study I was so afraid to say this, but the SW agreed with my reasoning and said that she was not be comfortable placing an african american child here because I don't have any AA friends. She said the goal was for my daughter to fit in with my family, not for me to have to change to fit in with her. I was really relieved, particularly because the SW assured me that it wasn't about prejudism, but what's best for me and my (future) daughter.

I needed to ask you "So are you saying adoption is about finding a child
who fits in with you and your family and whats best for you, and your desire to maintain your current lifestyle without having to change in order to raise the child?" If your SW's statement is true then there would be no need for B-moms to consider placing, foster care or anything else of this nature. When CPS knocks at the door to investigate claims of loud partying at night just state that "My lifestyle shouldn't have to change just because I had a baby, she should adjust to having a party animal for a Mom." Why purchase baby forumla, I never bought it before I had a baby why do so now, the kid needs to fit in and drink whatever we're drinking.
OK, I felt no need to change when I hired a housekeeper; ie: I didn't expect to move closer to her home so she could sleep later and not have to commute, and once we became interested in locating a smaller, (kids grown and gone) adult friendly house I asked her if she was able to travel the extra distance or if I needed to hire someone new, but we certainly didn't select the house based on the location she was happiest with; SHE needed to "fit in" with us.
I haven't ever adopted but when we had our kids we knew without being told that our lifestyles would need to change in order to meet their needs. I had plans to retire in 5 years, sell the clinic, buy a mobile home, no roaming fee cell phone, post office box, pull up stakes and travel; but since we've been blessed yet again we are in the planning stages of what we'll need to do to raise our new baby. The contractor will have to come out and decide how to remodel our adult friendly home, we can't just expect the new baby to fit in, adapt and hopefully not drown in the indoor/outdoor waterfall hot-tub. If the best life possible involves moving as an option then move we will.
When I placed my reunited daughter it was because I didn't think my (then) enviornment and lifestyle were suitable for her, and thats why this SW's words amaze me. I am puzzled by this statement and I hope you'll elaborate....MissyM

[tancee]

Why is it that most of the post say they don't want an AA child? Aren't there other races that don't blend with your families? Some people chose any race but, AA. An asian child wouldn't exactly fit in your family nor may a hispanic child depending on its background. There are some dark skinned hispanic races. You could end up with a child dark as an AA child. There are also some bi racial children that get very dark. It sounds to me its more about skin color than having to teach them about race and culture. This race seems to be more of an inconvenience for some. People look and stare and talk about you anyway. No matter what. Why is it important what other people think. People have judged others for years. Everyone wants to be accepted as part of the human race and not to be catogorized by there skin color. Some people tend to catogorize AA because of things they hear or see and think they are all the same. If we can't stand together as a human race then racism will continue. I wish more people would be more open minded tho we all have our own personal choices.

I personally will accept a child of any race. I am AA and proud to be. I have the ability to love a child of the human race. I thank God for blessing me with that ability. I have friends and family members from many backgrounds so I guess exposure to other cultures helps one to become more open minded. Its a great experience. I can teach a child from many backgrounds the things I've learned. My own children accept people for who they are and doesn't see race as a factor to love.

"Together we stand, Divided we fall."

Godbless!

[stressedmom]

Dawn, I wish you luck in your search for a child. I am the parent of 3 bio kids(CC) and 3 adopted kids(AA) in NJ. This post has been very interesting and needed, I am so glad you posted. I feel this is your decision. I especially can understand you wanting a child that looks like you if you don't have bio kids. My experience has been very positive. Life is challenging (OK I really mean hard), but I look forward to a time when the transracial adoption issue is what occupies my time. I see boards with that theme and I see boards about raising twins and I just can't get there. I am occupied with ADHD, FAE,attatchment issues, sensory intergration, ect. My children are just 6 and 4(twins). My one comment that is new to this topic is a question. When does this country have an American culture? On a lighter side, My husband was out recently with our 4 YO daughter, a woman was saying what a pretty girl she was and how she looked like my husband
(he is 1/2 Italian). My husband came home and asked how I would handle that. I said I would say thank you (which is what he did).

[Dianna]

I wanted to comment that I was raised in the caucasian culture and the way we were taught to not be prejudiced was to ignore our differences and focus on what we had in common.

I married inter racially and learned that in my husbands culture, our differences defined who we were as well as our common humanity. Everyone narrowly defined themselves not only by race and culture but tribe as well. And everyone was intimately involved in discussing everyone elses activities. It made for a cohesive community and it requires that each person accept themselves completely. And stand on what they have and have not done.

Because we have this and other perspectives to offer, we have focussed on biracial children that we match with. It is not that we can't be bothered to change our lifestyle, it is what we can offer best. There are kids who need what we have to offer.

People who are situated to offer homes to other races should be glad to thus enrich their lives and not judge others for their unique situations.

[wantto foster30]

I dont feel it is wrong to want to adopt a child that is the same race as you are. The only thing I dissagree about is. People are worried about how people look at them or the things people wisper when seeing you with foster/adopted children. Personaly I do not care what people think or say when they see me with my dark skined child, and all of my other chidren are light skined and have blonde hair. Talking about looks wait until one of your foster child tells a person at the store to kiss their A--. I mean these children are going to act different than you do. They havent been taught not to curse. So, as far as looks get ready for them. I dont care what people say or think. I know my heart and I love them all.

[newMafamily]

First, although we thought about adoption (of an older child) it is our intention to only foster children at present. I would foster a child of any race but in any situation, and especially with adoption, you need to think of the child's view too. After reading the thread I thought back to the many on-line listings of children free for adoption I looked at in the past. Many times it was written that the children/child expressed a desire for a family that looked like them. American Indian Children often can only go to an american indian family. Children are people. When they grow they will become aware of the difference. One different child may have more issues then a family of many different race children. So no you are not a bad mother when you are honest with what you can do. People who adopt children of other races are acknowledging that they can provide a "forever family" to that child. A different race child is a child who needs special skills just like a special needs child. This child may reject or question the adoptive parents based on thier race in the future (or they may not) but the potential parents should be willing to accept what issues are likely to come thier way. Now one day we may get thrown a curve and the child we get is not the one we thought we were getting but that is life. Be honest but have an open heart and know that a bi-racial child may have all the issues of either race (and then some).

[Love_um_all]

I just want to say to all of you that are critical of me. I could not love my baby anymore if she was mine. She is so bueatiful to me. I adore her. The world does not see her like i do, I don't care, to me she is the greatest kid to walk the earth, and I have had some really great kids... I am a great mom, and my baby is happy and secure. I make sure that she smiles every day. When she gets older, we will talk about the race issues.

But the real point, and the very reason that people are fearful of a baby different them them is for things you just did. You just criticized me.

You know, the truth is, I want her to be like me. I want her to embrace my way of life. She is just as much cc as aa. So why not. The real answer is ... we all want a child like us, it does not matter what color they are, that is what a family is.

Just most people don't want to answer questions like this.

I really don't care if you want to adopt transracially, or not, I will not judge you. Really, it only matters if it matters to you...

[Love_um_all]

one more thing... I feel you have not read my words as I meant for them to be heard. When I talk of her hair and skin, I speak of it with love. She is perfect and bueatiful as she is, and even if she was not so bueatiful, her personallity, her mannorisms, are so sweet. There is nothing not to love. Why do I need to prove I love this baby to you... so you will not think I .... so.... because I .... I don't know....

[ArmyWife55]

i kinda wanted to put a different spin on this...

my husband and i havent started classes yet... so we havent had to make a definite decision about what kind of child we would accept... and we are discussing if we would be comfortable adopting a child of another race... we have both said that we would. here's my issue that may change everything for us:

my family is very loving and very accepting, but there are underlying issues of prejudice. my best friend my whole life is AA... and my parents love her like their own... but at the same time my dad would occasionally tell a racist joke.... (which i always told him i didnt like) and they were both extremely uncomfortable when i dated a full vietnamese man. so as you can see, they have certain issues of prejudice they need to work out.

my husband's family is very odd. they are completely against interracial dating/marriage.. but yet they love and accept dh's cousin's biracial babies. they all make racist jokes that dh and i have openly rebuked, but then in the next breath they say they arent racist. dh's granfather, who he hasnt seen in years but was very close to growing up, is VERY racist. he has pretty much disowned dh's cousin (the one that had the biracial babies). when they send him pictures, he returns them. things like that.

now, i know that my husband and i are adults, and we need to live our own lives regardless of what our families say..... but lets face it.... do we really want to cause friction in this way? do we really want our child to be in the center of bitterness? do we want our child to have to hear some of the stupid racist jokes they may tell? shouldnt our child have a family who never makes him/her feel uncomfortable for being who they are?

again, the decision shouldnt have anything to do with our extended families, but it does. our child will be their family too... he/she will spend lots and lots of time with them.... so i think how our child would fit in with our families is about the comfort of our child.

its not that WE are worried about what theyll say to US. we've done plenty of things that our families didnt approve of.... but its more about the level of comfort and acceptance our child will have with his/her families.

[toyjsu]

My question is do you want any child to hear such things? I don't care what race the child may be, those statements are wrong. I know it must be difficult to have relatives who make comments like that, however, you must continue to take a stand. Your child will hear them and think it is acceptable. It is not! It makes me very sad to realize people still think the color of my skin should be the butt of a joke.