[dadfor2]

I have friends of mine who adopted specically AA....5 kids to be exact...godbless them...lol

but they say..."well, we never have to explain to anyone that they are adopted, they just know....."

that the feeling they have, are they wrong also for not wanting CC?

but again, i dont think its wrong to decide the race, sex of your child that you are going to adopt.

its interesting, no one is saying anything about her wanting to adopt a boy. but it seems no has an issue with her not wanting a girl.

people adopt for different reasons....some adopt to create a family, some adopt to help special needs kids to have a family they can call their own, blah blah blah.....people get into this for many different reasons.

hey, there are some parents out there that specify they dont want kids with mental illness, some dont want infants, some dont want downs, some dont want FAS, some dont want CC, some dont want AA, some dont want older, some dont want younger......you get my drift

c'mon, this really isnt a debate. Its a family looking to adopt a child, and have specifics on what kind of child they are looking for.

Most parents do when they go into adoption....

actually, most social workers will talk to you if you say "ill take any child, i dont care"....this hardly ever happens, maybe at the begining stages but when time comes....then some parents start getting specific.

dadfor2

[Dawn-NJ]

THis is Dawn again. I am so thankfull for all the responses I got. I am really glad I wrote this post. SO glad to see that there are others adoptive parents that feel like we do. That is conforting to us.
I am not going to go into the usual explanations that people say about some of my best friends are AA, I work with AA.
I am bi-racial Hispanic, a have a bit of African blood in me, I am in no way a racist. But what I am is a private person, just like I don't want everyone to know that my daughter was a result of an IVF cycle (Too many close minded people out there and in my family that are just not familiar with Infertility and think that IVFis mad science) I want to spared the stupid advice about old wife's tales about IF, or my favorite put it out of your mind and you will be pg next month.
Same way, we want my have our privacy abot our second child being adopted ( My Dh is adamant about this) Of course we will tell out child that he is adopted, etc. But we don't want to have to talk about it with every one that wants to know. We just don't want to handle that kind of attention.
In a perfect world we would all get alonf just fine and racism would not exist, but since we are not ther yet, we have to love in this one.
We can certain only see socially people that we approve of or that have similar moral values, but I cannot we cannot pick all the other students in our kid's school, or the neighbors down the street.
Actually if I had my choice a Hispanic child would be first choice because that is what I am familiar with and can share my culture with.
I really do appreciate all the answers , even the ones that blasted me. I really like this BB.

[summer324]

First off I do not think you are a bad mother. It is totally understandable for you to want your family to blend. Adopting outside your race is not for everyone. I think you have to think of the child. Will he feel comforitable, at home, part of the family?? I'm sure any child that you would adopt would. I know outsiders can be very judgemental but you don't need their opinions anyway. There will always be someone out there that disagrees with you. Ask yourself this.....If there was not a child to blend with your current family but there was a AA or biracial child that needed a home....Would you reconsider? Just asking... Good Luck!!

Lisa

[celinenj02]

Dawn, hello and welcome! The best advice I can give you is to stick to your guns. In other words don't let anyone ever persuade you into taking a child you are not comfortable with from the get go. I had this happen to me. Actually my agency didn't tell me the truth and went I went to pick up the baby I learned that he was not the race I was comfortable with. I felt so bad for him I did take him home but wound up backing out of the placement some weeks later and I felt awful! I just couldn't convince myself to be comfortable with the placement no matter how hard I tried. Does is make me a racist? No. Although there are people (sadly) on this board who would think so.

I have found that people who have adopted outside of their race are very very touchy about this topic. Sometimes I wonder if they too are still trying to convince themselves that they are comfortable. I hope not.

Anyway, it is quite alright and very common and very normal to want a child that will fit. We waited only 4 months and received the placement of a baby boy and he looks so much like me and my husband that we have a hard time convincing people we didn't birth him! I have to say I love that he looks like us, it just makes us feel even closer.

There is nothing wrong with adopting outside your race so long as you are comfortable with it God bless you! But if you aren't then don't let anyone guilt you into it.

Be patient, the child God has for you will come home.

[bunny1]

No I don't think your a racest. I am adopted, My Adopted parnets chose me because of my simlar ethic backgound. My adopted mom had tryed servel time to have a child but miscarried.So it's understandable she'd want a child that would look like the rest of the family.Each person has to know what they want,and what works best for them.........Thanks for listening.Kathi

[MNelson]

Originally posted by leenab
Dawn if you are already part of a bi-racial couple then what is the issue with not adding a race different from you & your husband's to your family. I thought you would be more understanding of race and culture.

Perhaps Dawn being "more understanding of race and culture" is exactly what is driving her informed decision -- what is right for her family. We all take our life experiences and apply them with our own perspectives and reasoning.

Dawn, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your choices. It is absolutely best for the child to get just the right fit in a family. And you will find just that child

[roche]

Boy, that was original, wasn't it?

Anyway, I read this post with interest as I am half-Korean adopted by cc parents, and I have siblings adopted from Cambodia, Korea, Bolivia, Russia and I also have a few AA adopted siblings. We lived near Seattle, WA for several years, and then my family moved to East Coast to live for 10 years (in a predominately white neighborhood) and now they live West again (again in a white neighborhood).

I don't want to respond to judge anyone; I merely want to share some of my family's experiences. But at the same time, I accept that everyone has different comfort levels --- because everyone is different and has differnt comfort levels about various issues. But, also, sometimes going out of our comfort level helps us to grow? No matter what the comfort level is about.

As far as race issues and affects on the adopted child - I think that the child's ability to deal with being a different race from birthparents/family will be totally different based on that individual. Even if they are adopted within the SAME family with different cultures/races - each child's adjustment and ability to "deal" with the differences will be different.

For example, I have two other siblings who are full Korean. My brother is in 30's and has an amiable personality; he has ALWAYS had girlfriends (mainly cc). He is pretty happy and well adjusted. I have never heard him even mention race as an issue. I think he is pretty secure and happy with himself.

On the other hand, I have a sister (same age as brother) who has dated just a little, and she claims that she is unmarried and does not date because she is Korean. She has a real chip on her shoulder because she is not cc and doesn't get asked out on dates much. Ten years ago, she lived in a predominately white neighborhood in the west. She got a job offer back east and was excited at the thought of meeting people from different backgrounds who were more "tolerant" of different races. She felt she would date more in a more diversified area. Well, she has lived there for ten years, and she has stated she is unhappy because she says she rarely gets asked out. She feels it is because she is Korean - STILL! Personally, I think that she is not getting asked out because she is extremely smart, and she knows she is smart, and she intimidates other people - male and female. She tends to be very bossy and abrupt with people. I don't feel her lack of dating has anything to do with her race. SHE has made it an issue.

Also, I have an AA brother who is 16 and an AA brother who is 15. Lots of cc girls have had crushes on the 16 year old. He is good looking and fairly outgoing. My 15 year old brother is more reserved and shy in public. Also good looking. Do girls not like him because he is AA? No, it is because he is shyer than the 16 year old. I supposed he could make race the issue.

It's like twins -- they look the same. Same hair, eyes, height, weight. Why does one twin get asked out a lot and one hardly ever? I think part of it is shyness and lack of confidence?

Also, anytime you are different, no matter what, people are going to sometimes be cruel. I have been ridiculed/ teased for being adopted, for being half-Korean, for being a Mormon, and guess what? I have never resented being adopted by a cc family. I am proud of being different. I am proud of my Asian background, I love being a member of my church, and I would never change the fact that I was adopted by my cc parents.

Another comment: I have had many people comment to me that "it would be unfair to the child to be adopted by a cc family or different race." You know what I think is unfair? I think it is unfair that my two little AA brothers were born in a slum in Chicago and that if they hadn't been adopted by my cc mother they would have been raised in poverty and neglect and abuse, not have had an education, not have known what it is like to be raised in a happy family. THAT'S what I think is unfair. And I think they would be willing to sacrifice the risk of not having a date to the prom in a predominately white neighborhood versus the risk of being a drug runner by the age of 6 or 7 years old.

Recently, a cc teenager called my 16 year old brother a ****** at school. Understandably, my brother was very upset. You know what? It doesn't matter what race our adopted parents are.

If a cc boy is going to call an AA kid a ****** - he's giong to do it whether the AA boy is raised by white parents or black parents.

And as to it being "unfair" to adopt an AA kid because other cc kids will have issues with him - personally I am not too fond of segregation. I live in a predominately white neighborhood and I am thinking it will be a great idea to add a little bit of "color" to it.

People are uncomfortable with things/issues because they are unfamiliar with them. Not because they are bad people. Things that are different make people sometimes uncomfortable. So perhaps if more people were willing to be different, it would help more people realize that they don't have to be the same as everyone else to be accepted. I have a son with red hair and he gets teased a lot. I tell him to always be proud of who he is and that he should be proud of himself, no matter what.

Anyway, sorry to be so lengthy. It's just that I wanted to point out that some people will make race an issue and some won't. Like my brother and sister. And I don't mean to mention "dating" and "friends" as the main issues - it's just that I hear that a lot. So I wanted to address it.


However, I also believe that what is right for one person is not always right for another person. We are all obviously here because we care for children and we want to help them. If someone doesn't want to adopt an FAS child, or handicapped child, or older child, or a sibling group, or whatever, then that person shouldn't be made to feel like a "bad person."

I just wanted to share some expereinces - because maybe it will help someone who is considering adopting a child of another race, but perhaps they are apprehensive that they are "hurting" the child. I don't believe that giving any child from a dysfunctional background a happy and healthy home is "hurting" a child or "unfair" to them. But we all have to do what is right for our family and for ourselves. THAT is the right thing to do and only "we" can know what is right for ourselves.

Hope I made sense and didn't make anyone feel bad. Roche

[bunny1]

Roche,

You make such a great point about the choice a birth parnet makes to give up here child because they can't provide for them. To give them a better life. My birth mom stated in my non-indentfying information that she would have liked to keep me but since the Dad wanted to fininsh college this wasn't possable. She was thinking of the best interest of me. In those days a single mom was not as common as today. So I always felt special to be adopted and not aported(even though aportion wasn't legal, it still happen)And since have had a child or my own, a girl she's 13 years old , and mixed mexican and causasian(i'm causaian) But do you know who she looks like! She looks exactly like me dispite her father's dark skin and hair, eyes. Wow did that make me think even more about my birth parnets and what they look like. Yes I'm going off the track of conversationa bit, then I first started../Sorry.
Well to get back , yes I felt special being adopted but a part of me felt void also because of this...Do all adopptee's feel that way? ...Thanks for listening all!...Kathi

[Dianna]

Hi Dawn, My husband is Mexican/Indian and I am Caucasian. We specified a mexican/indian/caucasian child because we felt we could best offer them a good cultural experience. We have adopted 3 children with these heritages. They are not all the same combo of these nationalities but they look like siblings and most people have a hard time believing that they aren't our bio kids. That is good for them and adds to their comfort with being adopted. Adoption is a minor issue for them. We also thought that being a biracial couple, we were a very good resource for a mixed race child. We live rurally and there are no AA people around here and very few asians. I personally would have no problem with other races but for where we live and the availability of mixed children of our races anyway. There are a lot of Mexican/Caucasian kids who need good homes. Best Wishes.

[MOFosterMom]

I just wanted to give "kudos" to, "Roche" for his post. I enjoyed your post and your sharing very much.

Being the "white" mother to an AA boy, and his adoptive father (my X) is also, "white".. we know we both adooooore our son and give him every ounce of love we have to offer. I couldn't have wished for a better son than I have. He is my heart.

It's nice to see that you were comfy with your surroundings as well and as well were educated enough to understand what you "could" have lived like if not adopted. My son's birth mother is a drug prostitute, 7 kids.. Lord knows where my baby would be right now without God's hand in bringing him to us. I am truly honored to have him in my life. Frankly, I don't give a rats petunia what people say when they see me out with him, "He's my boy!"...lol I will hopefully teach him the importance in knowing that family is family because of love, support, trust and so much more, not the color of your skin or blood line.

I will tell you something that did disgust me though. To make a long story short. I was out watching a friend play darts one night and some man sitting next to me was trashing AA's. Eventually he learned my son was AA, then he "assumed" my husband at the time was AA, then he had the absolute audacity to sit there and say to me:

"Well, that's all fine and dandy that you're cleaning up some AA's mess up but it's best that you teach him to stay within his race and not fall in love and marry and have kids with any "white folks"...!!!

OMG (Grrrr) I was so freaking mad! I said:

"Are you telling me to tell my son NOT to love a white girl JUST because of a race issue when he ALREADY loves a white woman, HIS MOTHER?"

...and well, I can't type out the rest of the rant I went on, lol.. but dang it I was ticked off.

Ignorance, it amazes me everyday what people assume or how "closed" their brains are.

God loves all people and therefore we should do the same..

Peace,
MoFM

[PAmom]

Hello everyone!

While I don't think that your decision to foster within your own race was a bad one at all, what bothers me (and always has) is people's insistance on stating that they "aren't racisists" or that they "have AA friends". I always feel like saying, AND?

But that's just my little quirk.

Again, I think that people should foster/adopt whatever they feel most comfortable with. It'd be ashame to allow a child into your home and you don't feel comfortable reaching out to him/her or giving them all the love and attention they desserve because you don't feel comfortable with their race, or you can't handle what "people might say".

Good Luck to you!

[roche]

I probably sound like I am contradicting myself here, but I think that Dianna is being very thoughtful about helping kids from a similiar culture. Especially if they are only used to a Hispanic (or any other ) culture. I am thinking not in terms of their stay with the foster family, but I am thinking more about when that foster child goes back to live with their birth family - assuming reunification is the goal. Sometimes the foster stay can be lengthy, and it is probably helpful to a hispanic child to feel a little less stress about the adjustment to a foster family if the foster family can speak their language, or eat the same foods. I do think it is good for any child to grow up feeling proud of their culture, culture is important.

Unfortunatley, in our area - there are very few Hispanic foster families. So while it would probably help the foster child to be fostered by Hispanic FF, that isn't always possible. So really, when it comes right down to it, I think to any child who comes in to a f home, it is most important that they feel save, loved and valued. Not all foster kids will develop a good relationship with their ff and trust them. But it will help many of them, regardless of the ff race/culture.

I really don't think though that I have the right to say what is right or wrong for anyone else. My mom adopted a disabled little girl from Russia when she was 8 years old. And she has no arms from the elbow down. I love my sister just as much as anyone else, but I do feel guilt that I don't think I could handle that kind of commitment. I guess I feel guilt because I grew up with disabled children so I should be more comfortable with disabilities? So I think it is important that we not carry a lot of guilt about what we think we can or can't handle. I prefer not to adopt a child with severe disabilities. I don't think that diminishes my character. Just as it shouldn't someone dimish a person's character if they prefer to stay within their own race.


Roche

[riley6]

Roche, EXACTLY! You said it all beautifully.

I always have a problem with people who have judged me bc I put down that I would foster, but chose not to accept an adoptive placement that was AA. These are the same people who wouldn't adopt an older child (5-14 yrs old), a larger sibling group, or a child with severe emotional disabilities bc they "wouldn't fit in with their family". These are the children that I have chosen to adopt, but bc they're CC, I've done something wrong. BTW, no one here has judged me, these are people who know me in person.

Everyone needs to adopt the child that they feel is right for their family! There are enough of all kinds of children looking for their forever familes!

[mckenna]

i think, for me, i take more issue with people who are willing to adopt any child other than full aa. to, me, that puts too much pressure on the child to "look" or "be" more white than aa. my son happens to be bi-racial, but i think he looks more aa than bi-racial. if i was not open to adopting a full aa child, i think he would suffer from my wanting him to be more white than aa. my case worker told me one time that a couple decided to change their profile from only white children to aa/ca children and when she asked them if they were prepared to expose this child to both parts of thier heratage, the perspective father said, "we'll raise him in our culture and when he is an adult he can find out about the aa culture." i was shocked! that is no way to immerse any child into different cultures and help them be well rounded. needless to say she talked with them and they realized that accepting a bi-racial child just because they might get a placement faster, was not fair to the child when they really wanted a ca child.

[BeckyS]

I think that a lot of the issue has to do with what McKenna has referenced. Not necessarily the opionion that everyone should be okay with adopting outside their own 'race' (although I do wish that was the case). It is more to do with the line drawn between accepting a biracial child that includes AA but not a child that is full AA.
I fully agree that it would not be fair to a child to be adopted in to a home that does not fully appreciate the child's race because it is different from their own. So it would stand to reason, if aparents didn't want to adopt a full AA child, then it would not be in the best interest of a biracial child appearing to be full AA (or not, but a different subject altogether) to be placed in that home. Most often, skin tone of an infant is not what it will be when that child is a toddler. What is the plan for this -- stand at the ready until the child is born, gauge it's skin tone & decide if it is 'appropriate' & pray it doesn't darken much?
Sorry if I've morphed the original topic in to something altogether different, but folks like myself were mentioned as being hyper sensitive about the issue & I wanted to address where some of us are coming from. I don't think it's wrong to know yourself & what works for you at all. The main concern is not to put a child's best interest on the line & by making the choices you have, that is not an issue in jeopardy.