[ConnieB]

My husband and I are not foster parents, but we hope to adopt out of foster care. A few weeks ago, we were so excited to learn that we were first chosen for siblings. We were interviewed and met the kids recently. We discovered later that another couple had already been interviewed that morning before us and were picked to be their parents. We wondered if this was typical. Both of us and our social worker are new to this. I thought that if a couple was "first" chosen that they would be interviewed first. Then if the group has doubts that interviews would continue. I'm so happy that a home was found for them but am quite discouraged. Our social worker did follow-up to see what we could have said or did that was wrong, and she was told that it wasn't us. Has anyone else had such an experience or do you know what may be expected? I've been unsuccessfully researching. Thanks so much.

[alicia hunter]

usually they do interview several familiesin one day, because it is easier for attorneys and sw to make a decision when they have had several w/in a short time.

[HappyMomAnna]

Wow--how interesting it is from one state to the next! In Oregon if you plan to adopt you do not 'get' to meet the children until you have been selected as the 'forever' parents and waited for 7-days for appeals of the decision to be made! Then you have to be ready to take them sight unseen!

How interesting it is that in your state the children would be put into this situation? I am not so sure I really like this way of doing things. I am guessing the sibling group must have been old enough to have a vote in how things worked.

For families like yours this must be very painful and difficult I know how easy it was to fall in love with a picture I cannot imagine how hard it is to meet them.

Don't give up even under these most stressful circumstances.

[alicia hunter]

Here in Missouri they have these "adoption fairs" where available children go to a picnic and perspecrive aparents go and "pick out" kids. I think it is terrible. The poor kids that don't get "picked" - how do they feel. I've always thought of it like when they put the available puppies on the news only this is with children. That is too much for the poor kids.

[dadfor2]

here in Mass its the same thing. YOu do not meet the kids until you are chosen as the forever family.

its hard to believe they do it that way. personally, i think that is awful.

for our kids, there were 4 other parents that were interested in our boys.

im sorry to hear that, but dont lose hope, there are so many kids out there that need loving homes. You will get the children that your suppose to have. It all works out the way its suppose to. God works in mysterious ways.


dadfor2

[HappyMomAnna]

I have heard of the adoption fairs and parties---why? Can you even imagine?

My uncle grew up in an orphanage and back in the 40 and 50's adoptive parents could come and take a child home for a week or two and then decide!!! My uncle said it was so utterly painful to be returned time and time again after the hay was harvested or the farm chores caught up!

I always say there was no moment in my life more magic then the day my five year old little girl walked in, smiled and asked:"are you my forever mommy and daddy?" It was even more magic then the days I gave birth and heard the babies first cry!

[dadfor2]

oh, i forgot, chances are it has nothing to do with you. they dont think what the parents want, its more of what the children need.

they look for parents that can best meet the needs of the child. You probably did nothing wrong at all, its more of the other family had something that the child needed, thats all.

For example, and this is just a simple idea, if a child is allergic to dogs, and one family has a dog, and the other doesnt, chances are they will give the child to the family that doesnt have a dog.

its a simple example, but just to give you an idea what i was talking about.

dadfor2

[dadfor2]

wow, everyone was posting at the same time.

here in mass we have adoption parties. I went to a few of them and they are awful. the first one i went to i had to leaveafter 20min, it just so sad.

but here is why they have them......DSS has so many kids that need to be adopted, they have stated they hate giving adoption parties, but more kids get adopted from those parties then anywhere else. They have stated they are more then happy to listen to other ways to get these kids adopted, but so far the adoption parties get more kids adopted.

they are mostly younger kids that go there, there are clowns, rides, games...its like a fair. The kids are told in advance on what they are going there for, but they are having so much fun, they dont mind going.

However, the older kids tend to stay away after a while because they start to get depressed and just dont go. They are not forced to go, they ask if they want to go.

Alot of adoptive parents that are looking to adopt, might not actually talk to the kids atall. There are booths set up with social workers from all the different agencies and you get to talk to them and about the kids that are posted, and most of the kids are not actually at the adoption party.

Its a way to get your name out there with these social workers.

i will never forget when i went to one, there was this girl, she had to be about 13-14 yrs old. She was so skinny, and had cat glasses on (remember those) and hmmm, how should i say this, she was the homeliest child that i have ever seen.

She was wearing a white party dress with all the fringes....mind you, this was a barbecue, alot of dirt.

I just watched her for a little bit and then i looked at my wife in tears and said "its time we go...."

I will never get that image out of my mind probably till the day i die. Its was so heartbreaking.

it killed me to see her there, she dressed up so nice in hopes to meet a family. Im telling you, it just killed me. that was the last adoption party that i went to.


dadfor2

[willowhawk]

I'm in Mass. and the first two boys I adopted were from meeting them at an adoption picnic. In this case, the kids are not actually told that they are going to a picnic to be chosen or not chosen by prospective parents. I was actually there to see two other children I was interested in, but saw these boys and fell in love with them. It was nice to actually meet and interact with the children first!

[alicia hunter]

Here it is a little bit older kids like 7 or 8 to 14 or 16. These kids "get it" and like you say are trying so hard to "get picked"

[HappyMomAnna]

ConnieB--sorry we all got off track there! I think several of us are a little surprised at the situation you faced--and having a hard time dealing with the emotions you must have felt along with how the children must feel as well.

dadfor2 is 100% correct in how simple it can be for the selection of your family or another. We were told several reasons why we were selected and some of them were things we never would have thought about: Birthmom is a musician and we have a piano. Birthmom seemed to have bi-polar (unconfirmed due to refusal to go in for evals) but, my father is bi-polar therefore we 'knew' something about it--and if the child became that way would understand to get help. Our adoptive daughter wanted a big sister (no one said how big and 18 was what she got)
I know one family who was selected because the child wanted to live by the water and they had a house on the river.

I know that the older the children the more likely it is for them to make requests of the family and ask for certain things. We had to put up a swing set in the middle of December before we could go get our children.

As for the little girl at the BBQ in a white dress---Come on people if we are going to parade them around then lets try to do so with some level of respect for the child....haven't we all showed up to an event at one time in our lives dressed wrong? Someone should have really though about that before she went.....

Willowhawk--it just proves my point! We can fall in love with our children very fast and easy! I am so glad to hear success from one of these events. They are not legal in Oregon but I hear about them in Washington State.

I think these events could be great for the older children after all I think they have a right to feel good about the move too....

So ConnieB--I am still wondering were these sibling you met older? To me this could be the only reason one family after another met with them....that would be so hard on a young child! I can hear my little girl sayin, "I should have picked that other mom and dad I met that day--you are mean!"

Keep the faith here--and if this really is how your state handles it I guess you need to get some heart armor on everytime you go to a meeting and not get too excited. Many families are matched and matched and go though the process over and over before they are selected and there is nothing magic about the whole thing it can be any little thing on earth! This is where I say--tell your worker EVERYTHING about ANYTHING because it can all matter at the point of selection--really!

[dadfor2]

lol......these posts do take a mind of thier own somtimes....

the reason we were picked for our kids, was because i was doing the main parenting for a while.

my children have alot of issues with women. go figure. So they thought the roles were reversed in our house a little, then the children might have an easier time to adjust.

so you never know what it is, but it is about what the needs of the children are and how the social workers feel which is the best fit.

dadfor2

[ConnieB]

All, I really appreciate your needed advice and have a much better understanding. For reasons unknown, their decision was for the best interest of the children. I do agree about not meeting the children until there is a definite decision. I can't even imagine how the kids must have felt. It was extremely emotional for everyone including the foster parents. I did ask the foster father if they knew what was going on, and the foster parents had explained it to them in an excellent manner (how a couple chose them out of hundreds of kids). You had asked about the ages, and they were under six years old.

I never heard of anything like an adoption fair, but it must be truly heartbreaking.

Thank you so much for all of your valuable time and input, and I'm happy that you were fortunate to find children. We did learn a great deal from all of this. I regret not inquiring on here prior to the interview.

[Dianna]

Hi, we went to an adoption picnic and there weren't any kids there that met our limits, (but there were some great sibling groups of 4) so we just played and had fun. The kids were there for the food and games and not really paying attention to the other things. They were there with their foster families.

I saw a couple of older kids interviewed on TV about participating in an adoption party. They were teenagers and had been to many parties. They said it was very hard and difficult to go and not get chosen, but each one of them did get chosen in the end and were very happy with their new families. They said it was worth it because if they didn't go, they would not have met their parents who adopted them.

We also do not meet children before we are selected and there is usually a number of families before one is selected, and a second family is selected in case the first one does not work out. We were interviewed for our girls and had no problem just being ourselves because by then we understood that the more open we are, the better match they are able to make. In the end we were chosen, probably because we were not nervous, and the match wasn't a good one. I later found out that the worker chose us because we were willing to have an open situation with the birth family. They probably should have picked some other more valid criteria like personal style and family dymnamics.