[MamaJem]

Our CW asked us to write an article about our experience with transition. I am open to comments (keep them kind please) but more than anything, I felt ready to share my experience. So, here it is.

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I sat with the phone glued to my ear, my heart sinking with every word. In his excitement he was explaining the plans he had for his girls, only, they were our girls. It was our life and home that we opened to them for 6 months. It was my heart they had a tight grip on. Sure, I knew that foster care meant the girls would only be here for a limited time. We spent the entire time preparing them for their new life. But now reality was caving in on me. Not only would they be leaving but the new home they were going to would be void of so many of the things they were comfortable with. Their own toys, books and clothes would be boxed up or discarded and new ones would be in their place. It wasn’t enough that everyone and everything familiar with them was being removed from their lives. In the greatest intentions of their new parents, they were going to be completely rearranging the lives of these children.

I could see his logic. I knew exactly where he was coming from. In fact, when the girls arrived I had spent the week looking for nice clothes and pulling out old toys from the attic. In my mind I pictured these children with nothing to wear or even play with. Within a week of their arrival I had seen to it that the oldest had new clothes. In my excitement, I hadn’t noticed her reluctance to part with a particular pair of jeans. I even convinced her that she could cut them up and learn how to quilt with them. Not a good start to convince her that not only was her life being disrupted again but that she was being made over. Just thinking about how she must have felt makes me shudder.

So here I am, preparing for the notion that she will most likely be facing it again. Those who are promising to love and parent her are unwittingly telling her that what she has to offer isn’t good enough. Those items that we adults are considering “things” represent a piece of themselves. The very few links they have to their past are being broken anyway. I fear they will now be removed from them completely. Instead of letting them replace those things slowly (and I am convinced they will be replaced) they will be taken from them. Don’t misunderstand me, these folks loved these children and were completely committed before the selection of parents was made. Its just that in their excitement to provide for these children, they may be disconnecting them from their past. Instead of incorporating their past with their present, they are possibly erasing it for them.

Knowing these things is making the transition more difficult. While I have no doubt these people already care for these girls very deeply, I am concerned that they are starting off by sending a message that they have no intention of relaying. They are telling the girls that they can’t be who they are. If I could only communicate this to them, but I can’t. I’ve tried. I sincerely hoped to guide the conversation but in the excitement and desire to do what’s right for the girls they aren’t open. I can hope that when they arrive they will be willing to hear me.

It’s important to remember, foster parent live with your child. Assuming that it isn’t a short stay foster home, they know your children better than the caseworkers do. You most likely know your child from a photo, reading reports and possibly visits either in person or by phone. They live, eat and breathe with your child. They instill discipline, interact and (hopefully) laugh with your child. They have parented your child and most likely have a bond with them. To most foster parents, this is not a job but a calling. Its a desire to change the life of a child, your child.

We stepped into this adventure at the urging of our adoption worker. He had hoped it would give us experience transitioning children in and also out. No one involved could have predicted the exposures that foster parenting would bring. In the areas that I was formerly concerned about, I feel more equipped now than ever to handle. At the same time, those places that I displayed overconfidence in my own knowledge of parenting and adoption have had the weaknesses exposed. It has given me new ambitions. First, to look at the larger picture of the child’s life and to put balance my own wishes with the needs of the child. Second, to understand my own lack of knowledge when it comes to adoption. Third to continually remind myself that there are many facets to adoption equation and the goal is life long, not what’s immediately in front of me. You are not the beginning of your child’s life, you are another chapter that in order to understand the story, must include the beginning of the book. Its not up to the adoptive parent to close the chapters, the child will close them when they are ready.


My final observations on adoption transition are as follows:

1. Listen. It’s important to have clear communication. As adoptive parents we would benefit from listening to the caretakers of our children and not just (in our excitement) forge ahead with our own plans for the lives of these children. If we are willing to put the needs of the children first, then we need to listen to those who know the children.
2. In our excitement to provide a new life, we cannot forget that our children have a past that makes them who they are. It cannot be erased nor should we try. While offering a brighter future for our children, we need to remember that they are who they are because of their past. We can use their past without trying to remove it completely.
3. Relax. Advocating for children doesn’t mean pushing your plan through. Rushing the transition won’t benefit anyone but will only buy you frustration in the future. A meaningful transition takes time and planning. Allow those who facilitate the move to do so in without undue haste and with patience.


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[mckenna]

are they going to put this in an adoption/foster care news letter. i hope so, it is wonderful!

[lambeausam]

Very well put! Thank you for sharing this.

[MamaJem]

are they going to put this in an adoption/foster care news letter. i hope so, it is wonderful!

I would like to see it published simply to share with other folks the lessons learned. It kind of makes the pain more tolerable to know that other children and families can benefit from experience. I stilll consider it a rough draft at this point. I am trying to keep busy today so I pulled it out from my CW and thought, "Hey, I will share this with the gang!" But please understand this, I still have PLENTY to learn and am fortunate to get to do that.

Thanks for responding.

[jolean12]

Wow that was great! Would you mind if I printed this to share with my foster/adoptive parent association members?
I know you are having a stressful day, when are you supposed to hear something? My prayers are with you and your familiy.

[MamaJem]

Wow that was great! Would you mind if I printed this to share with my foster/adoptive parent association members? I know you are having a stressful day, when are you supposed to hear something? My prayers are with you and your familiy.

That would be fine, its just not really done yet. If you want to share that would be great. Its why I wrote it.

I should hear something any minute. I think they tried to call me about 6 minutes before I got home from driving my daughter's class to swimming. I had a unknown caller on the ID. He said if I wasn't home he would keep trying until he got me. I am really trying to keep me cool. Thanks for asking.

[kforkids]

Great post! Thank you for sharing!!