[sosfive]

I have recently started the foster to adopt through my local agency and i am new to this process. I would like to adopt an older child and i am a single adoptive parent. During part one of my homestudy the worker kept asking me about my relationships. I told her i am thirty and i do date not many but i do date and one day i hope to get married. She then proceeded to tell me then if you date and any one is spending the night they must be fingerprinted, medical examinations and interviewed. I ws under the impression if the person lived in your home. I do not plan to have people staying over when a child is placed. I felt bad as if i should not be dating at all until the homestudy and foster to adopt child is placed and going toward adoption. I hate to place a date in the situation if you date me get fingerprinted. I feel the social worker has a problem with me dating and she wants to check out anyone i am dating. Do i have a right to say something to her about keeping my dating out of it i do not want her to not approve my homestudy so i have been afraid to make any comments. Any advice should i have anyone that i am dating be fingerprinted i may be single for a long while this will run a possible friendship away when i do find someone.

help!

Single adoptive mom!

[jodyk]

Check with your agency (through the hand-outs they've given you, or an anonymous call) to see what their policies are. As I understand it, the things mentioned to you are only necessary if the new person becomes someone who's regularly involved with the child & with whom you leave the child with (like with your support people). I know that my licensing worker mentioned to me that if someone comes into my life (no such luck yet) and will be taking care of my fc, he'd have to have background checks, etc. But I don't think it counts if it's a casual kind of thing -- after all, they don't check out the backgrounds of all your friends that your fc come into contact with.

[aspenhall]

Your cw's definition of dating may be different then yours. Perhaps she means is there a significant other....not do you have dinner occasionally here and there. If there is someone who you expect to spend the night....yes, they would need a background check. If it is just social and casual then don't worry about it. You could say that if any of them do become serious relationships then yes the check will be ok, but for now there is nothing beyond the occasional dinner/movie.

[HappyMomAnna]

I can see how this would really bug you a lot! We have to remember that even though you and I would never allow men to sleep over casually when we have a child in our lives---Many people would and do. I still have people look at me like I am crazy when they learn my second husband and I did not live together before we got married--unheard of these days so I am told!

During the course of your homestudy it is hoped your caseworker will get to know you like a best friend! And hopefully it will sink in that you do have standards and you are able to stick to them!

As for fingerprinting and background checks for OTHER people involved in your life this part is annoying to many of us before and after placment and until the adoption is final! It is hard to tell your sweet 20 year old niece that she may not babysit unless she gets her prints done! The rule is generally that any member of the household over 18 needs a background check and finger prints. And babysitters, or others you leave the child with do as well in many cases. Basically anyone who will have access to the child without you being there in the same room.

I know it will really put a damper on dating to have this issue going on but I am going to approach this from another angle for a moment..... Once the adoption is final it is final and these rules will no longer be part of your life....

now for a few things to think about and maybe the some of the reasons your caseworker could find it difficult to be supportive of dating after a child is placed. As you are getting your training and if you read a lot of these threads you are going to come to understand how intense the first year to three years will be once a child is placed in your home--to be honest you may not have any time to date especially someone new. The attachment and bonding with an older child takes nearly 150% of time, energey and emotion from most two parent families and you as a single person will not have the extra help of a spouse.

It is very importand that the older child has you to themselves for an extended period of time after placement and to bring in a new relationship with a man also takes a great deal from you.

You might want to keep in mind that on average it takes about a year after a child is placed for the adoption to become final. This is such an important time with the child to attach with you I think you might want to consider delying the dating again for at least the first year after placement. These children need so much from us, they minipulate--they control and even the great ones need some time to get to know us, and believe they are the most important thing to us in the world....I just don't know how an older child is going to feel watching their New mom get dressed up for a night without them........

I hope this makes sense to you and that you understand it isn't so much about the dating that might bother your worker as much as the idea that bringing in a new child and trying to find a husband during the time before the adoption is final would be a really difficult thing and not really the best thing for any newly placed child....

[sosfive]

This does put another perspective on seeing things. And i have also a friend who is going to be a support to me if the child is ill and i need to go to work because she has medical needs. I would also need to see if she should have fingerprints and added to the list. Thanks for placing this in another perspective.