[sunnysideup]

We have been forstering for almost 4 years now. We have adopted and and in the final phase of finalization-waiting for court date. Anyway we think we are done adopting, but we seem not sure about closing out our home to kids...maybe older. We have a 2 year old and a five month old. We had another infant but she left for another home- not our choice.

Is anyone fostering kids over 12? Positives/Negs? Any good stories?

[sharkey]

I've had a 13yrog and currently a 15yrob. I've had good experiences with older kids even though I didn't want to go higher than 10yrs. My only problem was deciding what chores/rules/consequences etc...since I have no bios so no experience to go from. I found the girl especially to act a bit younger than her age and so I gave her the same structure as the two 11yro boys I had at the time. My 15 yr old had a little trouble at his last placement but we've been having a great time. He's a terrific kid. I also have a 6wk old and have had no problem with the older kids and the baby combination.

Best wishes.

[vbandsf]

We have an 11year old girl and her 6 year old brother. My big problem is consequences, too - I can, if need be, pick up her brother and carry him to his room to get him to calm down.

She, on the other hand, is 5' 1" and a good 110lbs - she's almost as tall as I am. The consequences are usually pretty mild - this morning she refused to eat a fruit product (applesauce, apple slices etc) - they have the WORST eating habits - and for that and rudeness she lost her sugar privilege for the remainder of the day (nothing allowed if the first three ingredients contain sugar or corn syrup).

I'm concerned at some point she'll really go "What're you gonna do?" and just refuse to behave.

On the positive side, she's a super person most of the time. She's starting to get more comfortable with us but trust is going to be a big issue for a long time to come - in all four prior foster homes there was at least allegations of abuse of our kids.

Both were doing poorly in school (not a big surprise) - she's now doing gifted work and he's reading really well. It's really good to watch.

Other things we had a hard time with - they've seen movies I wouldn't go to because of violence and or sexual content (I'm no prude but really some of that stuff can get over the top); setting a bedtime (they never had one before - she was outraged over the idea of in bed at 8:30, lights out at 9); and clothes!

She, like sharkey's FD, is very young for her age in a lot of ways - she refuses to believe she's maturing and WON'T agree to larger size clothes or a bra (both badly needed). I resorted to buying the same jeans she already has in larger sizes, but I've lost, to date, on the bra issue.

Best of luck to you - the older kids can be really good.

[Harambe2]

I have an 18 year old now and I have to agree with everyone else on the "older kid" issue. I have had a very positive experience. She is a smart and funny kid and I enjoy having her around but I had the same problem with chores and consequences with this one because she is my first teen and I have no bios. This one has taught me a lot about both what to do and what NOT to do next time!

She'll be leaving at the beginning of next month (college and independent living). The experience has been so positive I'm planning to try two teens next time around. Of course, that's probably insane in my one bathroom house but I'm hoping for the best.

Good luck to you and I hope you give it a try,
Dawn

[sharkey]

vbandsf,

On handling the defiance issue if it comes up.....I have had a couple times that my 11yro wouldn't do what I told him to. You're right that you can't make them do anything. Learned this from a Love and Logic parenting class.....

Say with sincere concern and empathy "I'm sorry you made that choice" and then drop it. Then NEXT time you are going to do something fun find a non-fun person to stay with them for respite and tell them, again with concern and empathy "This is really sad for you but you can't go with us to.............. When I take kids with me I need to know that they are going to listen and do what I say and you didn't do that. It's not any fun for me if I don't know that you will do what I say" Remind them or ask if they remember when this happened. Then leave it open ended as to whether or not you will take them on the next outing. You decide when you feel like you can trust them to do what is asked.

I did this once when my fson wouldn't sit where I told him when given a consequence. Just this week he wouldn't comply when told to get into the shower and get ready for bed. Instead he crawled under his bed and stayed there. After telling him three times I just ignored him. At bedtime I just said cheerfully "It's time for lights out. Do you want to get in bed? No? Ok goodnight" and turned out the lights. After about 15-20 minutes he got into bed. I didn't bring it up again.....but the other shoe's gonna drop when the opportunity arises! Eventually he'll realize it's in his best interest to do what I tell him to do.

It's actually kind of fun to get creative on how to handle things. When you look at misbehavior has an opportunity to teach it's an intriguing challenge. Lectures and moralizing sure don't work and I've learned to save my air.

Also a fun one I've found recently that works well.....when he's purposely looking away or humming or giving me buggy eyes when I'm telling him something (yes I've got an ornery one!) I ask him to repeat it back. If he says "what?" or "I didn't hear" or "wasn't listening" I tell him to look me in the eyes while I repeat it and then since he wasted my time by not listening the first time he gets to pay me back with an extra chore. Listening is much better around my house these days.

Older kids are great and the oppositional ones can be a lot of fun once you get the hang of it!

[BigDogMom]

I was so glad to read your post. It was very informative and full of great ideas. My husband and I just received our license to do foster care for 5 to 18 yr olds and I was concerned with how to deal with the defiance issues. My husband is big on lecturing and he is very long winded. I think sometimes this is punishment enough just having to sit and listen to him go on and on and on and on and on......... I also have a 6 and 2 yr old biochildren and your ideas could work wonderfully with my 6 yr old. He has already hit the defiant, roll his eyes, and back talk phase..eeeek! But he is an absolute sweetheart most of the time and that makes up for it. I am just really excited to be able to make a difference in a kids life. So few people are willing to take on older kids because of the challenges but it can be life changing for all involved. God bless you all!

Traci