[purvis]

Sometimes I feel that my Amom knows my Bmom and that they are in contact with each other. I often wonder if my Bmom watched me grow up. Was she at my little league games or at my high school football games? I am afriad to ask my Amom this because I Know it would break her heart and she would think that she was a bad mother. The truth is that I love her so much, she is my real mom even if she didn't give birth to me. Growing up I swore that I would not search for her , but now I have yerning to find my birth parents.

Did any one watch their child grow up with another family or is my imagination running wild?

[Decision]

That would be a fantasy I think...I do know one poster on this board whos daughter grew up in the same neighborhood as her. Missy M I think her user name is, her case is an extreame.
It would be extreamly difficult to pull off something like that, the emotions alone would drive the natural mother crazy. I know I would never have been able to watch my child growing up and not have direct contact with him. Total emotional abuse to oneself.
I know many adoptees who share your fantasy, and a few natural mothers too..including myself.
Hugs
Melissa

[Sharon]

It may be a fantasy; then again, it may not be as far-fetched as you think.
I am a bmom; my son is a minor. I have searched for my bson, located him, been in contact with his adoptive parents, passed along medical history. No, I do not stalk him or show up at his Little League games, but yes... I am "watching", as much as I can, through the internet. When my son is eighteen, I will contact him. His aparents have requested that I not do so before then.
I've often wondered the same thing as you: is he watching me?
But I think he is not; or if he is, he prefers at this time to watch silently.
~ Sharon

[banjo]

There is a bmother on this forum who is watching her bchild from afar - she has gone to his school performances and watches him play sports - because the aparents excluded her from the original open adoption agreement. I can't remember her forum name. I think that her behvaiour is justified - not sure what her bchild will think of it though?

It does happen but I expect it is rare. Sometimes intuition is right even though everyone else denies the truth. I guess you just have to pluck up the courage to ask your mom or find your bparents and ask them...no guarantees they will tell you the truth though...

I'm in an open adoption situation so my bchild knows who I am and that I am there watching her play sport - she OKs it...

[RiverGal]

I was adopted by my mother's second husband at 5...my bio dad dropped out of the pic shortly after I was born. I can relate to how you feel about being watched from afar, because I felt the same way. I had been told he was dead until I was 16, then in questioning my Mom she said they only "figured he was dead' because of the way he just vanished.

It was both eerie and comforting to look around in a crowd of people and wonder if one of them was my father...to wonder if I ever passed him on the street, or stood in line with him at the grocery store. If so, would we recognize each other? One time my husband pointed out a man in the laundromat with us that looked very much like me. I asked his name...not even close.

His name was very common, William Murphy, and I checked phone directories in every city we ever traveled...there were always a few. Finally, after all the years of unsuccessful searching and the unquinched curiousity of who he was, we found his niece in 1999 after some good tips my mother provided. She was astounded, and said my father was alive and well, living one state away from me.

He is now 89 years old, but still going strong. We have a great relationship. He did tell me that he and his next wife would drive around the neighborhood where we had lived when he saw us last and wonder the same thing..."is that my baby?" Chances are we may have crossed paths once or twice...

Debra

[qs mom]

I had a friend in college who has placed her daughter with an aunt and uncle. It was kinda ironic in a way, the niece was named after the aunt and then placed her child with the aunt she was name after.

But, anyway, she got to watch her grow up, make mistakes, the whole thing. She was actually quite o.k. with it. She was very glad to be able see Joy and know that she was well cared for and that she could still love her in person.

I thought that this was a little unusual but I worked with a woman who's parents adopted her niece (their granddaughter). The only bad thing about that is that the chld was never told, it was kept a huge family secret.

[nickychaz]

I believe that this is a fantasy that almost every adoptee has at one time or another. I know that I have. My amom told me that my mom wanted to become a nurse and I still can't walk into a hospital without wondering.

[mommy2three]

Thank you for writing that post. I too am adopted and feel the exact same way as you do. I've always thought my bmom knew my amom. I also have not searched because I know it will tear my amom's heart out. I just can't do it. I feel my amom's feelings far out weigh my curiousity.

[kforkids]

This discussion has be great to check on- I have a question, though. My daughter (adopted as a 3 yr old) talks about her "grandma". She talks about going to the fair, etc with grandma. She said grandma liked to watch her dance class, etc. I KNOW this did not happen, but is it harmful to have her continue a "fantasy" of her family? I"d really love your takes on this!

[shirleyville]

I was adopted almost 40 years ago....and for most of my life, I have lived within a ten mile radius of my birthmom and family.
Of course neither of us had any CLUE this was the case!! I wasn't even BORN in this area....I was born an hour away, in another city, and my aparents moved here when I was three!
My birthmom has no desire for contact....but I have had some contact with my birth aunt -- who is my birthmom's sister.....and coincidentally, someone I knew most of my life! Her daughter and I went to school together, and played on the same sports teams! I carpooled with them.....A few years ago, my aunt wallpapered my parents home!!!
In effect, she watched me grow up......but she had no idea I was her neice at the time!!
It was quite a shock to us both when we found out!
My birthgrandparents, great grandparents and several other family members are buried at a cemetary at the end of my road....literally less than two minutes from the house I live in --the house I grew up in.
I will admit to watching my birthmom "from afar" since I located her. When I first found out where she lived, I used to drive past.....I actually witnessed a 4th of July party last year with my entire birthfamily -- mother, sister, brothers, neices and nephews, all out in the yard, cooking out and swimming.
I wrote to her back in November, telling her who I was and where I was.....and since then, I haven't been back by, so to speak. I doubt I will. I don't have that "need" any more. I said to her what I wanted to say, and I know her feelings about the situation.
Anyway....just wanted to share!
Hugs,
Sally

[xarmyboy]

I am 39 yr old adoptee and I know just how you feel. Although I know for a fact that my bmom was never watching me I did feel sometimes that perhaps a stranger in the mall or on the street that I perceived was looking at me differently may have been my birth mom watching me. You are not alone in your feelings. Like others have said it is not likely that it is her but although you say you never plan to track her down I believe that thaere is a part of you that would like to meet her. Don't feel guilty for this. It is natural. She is your birth mom and we all like to know where we come from. Why we walk like we walk and talk the way we talk. I hope you change your mind and do search for and find her. This is no disrespect towards your adoptive parents. It is simply a normal feeling that more than one adoptee has felt. Good luck in resolving this issue.

[NikkiLGA]

My b-grandma was watching and wasn't even aware she was. Funny that my whole life I lived on 15-20 minutes away from her. My step-cousin (my b-stepgranddad's grandson) and I were in the same class in 6th grade and finished high school together. My aunt's former fiancee' was my piano teacher. We were in a lot of the same circles. Strange, but comforting.

Nikki

[cj416]

As a possible adoptive mother, that whole thing scares me. Someone in secret watching my family. It would be different if it was an open adoption and I told the birthparent about events, but as for sneaking around that is down right frightening. I would not feel safe.Just my opinion...

[Sharon]

"As a possible adoptive mother, that whole thing scares me. Someone in secret watching my family. It would be different if it was an open adoption and I told the birthparent about events, but as for sneaking around that is down right frightening. I would not feel safe.Just my opinion..." ~ CJ416

Well, I can't speak for anybody else's situation, but in my case, it's no "secret" to the adoptive parents. They are aware. It would not be a secret from my son, either, except that they've requested that I wait until he's 18 to contact him personally, and I have agreed out of respect to them. All of the "secrets" and "sneaking" in my situation are on their side, not mine. If it were up to me, it wouldn't be this way, and as soon as my son is of legal age, it won't be.
~ Shar

[shirleyville]

I don't know.....this might be a completely incorrect statement....but to me, unless you are an adoptee or a birthparent, you can't possibly begin to understand what it feels like to not be able to see your mother/child. When you have given birth to someone, or someone has given birth to you , you are a part of one another, and there is an innate desire to want to know something about that person.
I couldn't imagine being a birthmother who one day picks up a paper and sees her son's picture on the front page of the sports section, showing him as the winning quarterback in the big game........and not going to the next game!! Just to catch a glimpse......just too see them excelling at something they love.....just to have a moment in time where they can see their child and know they are okay.
When I learned that my birthmom, my sister and my two brothers were all living in my same county, there was absolutely no way I could resist seeing where they live! I wanted to see my mother's home.....to know, for the first time in almost 40 years, something -- anything - about her life. I spent a lifetime never knowing whether she was alive or dead, and then all of the sudden there she was -- very much alive, and living 10 miles from me!
I found a lot of comfort in seeing her house.....and seeing my sister's house, as well! We all seem to love roses....feeding birds....windchimes and butterflies. When I saw my birthfamily celebrating the 4th of July, I could see that they were "normal", happy people --- if I hadn't had that chance, I would have been left with the impression that they were toothless, depressed, downtrodden, poverty stricken people with chickens running in and out of the torn screen door, which was the impression outsiders had given me of my birthfamily. It's definitly a much better feeling to know they are average folks, just like me.
I remember reading a story here at the forum about a birthmom who attended her son's high school graduation. It was the most wonderful, rewarding feeling for her to sit in the audience and see her son walk across the stage to receive his diploma. Just seeing his face....experiencing the pride and the joy and the accomplishment of the moment was a priceless gift to her.
I can't imagine how many times over the last 40 years that my birthmom and I have crossed paths....we've shopped in the same stores......she came to sporting events that I participated in, and had no idea I was hers. I wish she had....I wish she could have watched me -- I think it would have made an enormous difference in the way she internalized her experience. I wish she could have watched me walk across the stage to receive my diploma and to know that I was an honor student with a list of scholarships and honors as long as my arm behind my name in the program. Of course I wish she could have been there as my guest , but if not that, I wish she could have simply been there, as a bystander.
I find nothing "creepy" or "unnatural" about wanting to know how your loved one is doing......wanting to see them ride a bike or score a touch down -- wanting to see their smiles and expereince their joy. I don't find anything uncomfortable or undestirable in wanting to see the person who gave you life out in the yard playing with her grandchildren....knowing her life is comfortable and normal and fulfilling.
That's just my opinon, tho....
Sally