[6kiddos]

Thank you for all the responses!

Sammie, I am very sorry for the negative experiences that you had in foster care. That is the main reason that I want to make sure that foster families are supported...a family that feels appreciated and supported is better able to care for children.

Foster families are asked to do some pretty incredible things: Love the child with your whole heart, but be prepared to grieve if they leave. Support the family's attempts at reunification even if you aren't fully convinced that it will work. Remain positive with the child even when you are steaming inside because the caseworker hasn't returned your call in 4 days. Be prepared to spend several hundred dollars on clothing at a moment's notice, but wait 6-8 weeks for the money to be reimbursed. Spend a good chunk of your time each week driving to therapy appointments, but have time to make nutritious meals and keep a house running smoothly. Try not to take it personally when a child attacks you verbally, they are just showing you their pain because you are "safe". Become an expert in attachment issues, fetal alcohol issues, anger management, and the like. (But remember that you are not a "professional" on the team, you are just a foster parent...ugh.)

I know how hard it is, I have done it for many years. We are no longer actively fostering because of our latest adoption, but I am hoping to be of some support to area foster families now. A group of us are trying to get "discount cards" made up that will allow foster families to show the card at local businesses for a discount on goods or services. I also try to remind churches that foster families need their support. How about sending a pizza (or two, depending on family size) to a foster family some night as a surprise?! (Maybe a phone call at 3pm saying "Don't fix supper tonight" would be a good idea first!) I would also love to see "empathy trainings" for social workers where foster families and foster children are given a voice in making changes in the way the system functions. Maybe change needs to come from us, the ones who are providing care or who have been in care, instead of from the county or agency.

[alicia hunter]

I have to say that since my negative posts on this thread my county sent me a letter that all of the county's foster/adopt families will be getting a free membership to the Y. It was something that the Y agreed on after DFS conducted a survey to see how families needs could be met better. The survey was over a year ago and I figured nothing would come of it, but it seems like this time they really sort of tried. Still, DFS isn't out any $$$ the Y is donating memberships. I guess we are not as unappreciated as I thought.

[Hannah's Mommy]

6kiddos-

I agree with you. I can honestly say that things in my state have change a ton. I have been working with my local senators to change the system a bit. I realize more needs to be done but I figure baby steps are better then none at all. Although I still feel like we are unappreciated and well we know nothing. ( thats the attitude sometimes) that at least the courts will now hear our voice and concerns. I have to summit a monthly account or log of each day with the child in my home. I use as more like a journal but its for stuff like when the kid kits me or acts like monkey or screams kickand beats the wall down. It all goes into a report to the court and the court looks at it. I keep logs of everything from something that was told to me to how they act after a visit to things mom says. I log stuff like emails dr visits and whatever else is going on.

I know I have a small voice but I think slowly we are being heard.

I love the idea of not having to make dinner one night. Thats awesome. Can you email me and give me come otehr ideas and I will see if I can get something going here in my area?

You are awesome. Congrats on your upcoming adoption...

[carolinec]

i agree that more needs to be said, to foster parents, how much we are needed, and thanked now and then for what we do.

my husband and I have taken in 9 kids, ranging from 6 days to 6 years, all difficult cases, whether severe emtional issues, to severe medical issues. T he only time we were even noticed by DSS was when a child was returned to the bio and killed 3 months later. I chose to go to the press, and "open" this case for some attention to get some answers. All I got was more grief! Not only that, I found out thro a third party that the baby was killed....DSS was not going to even notify me!!!! That baby lived with us for 7 months, and had serious issues, medically and emotionally and that baby left us, happy and healthy!!!!

Our agency, not dss, sent us flowers, a card, offered respite for the other kids so we could attend the funeral and burial.... offered counselling and backed us 100% when we went to the press. We did have a foster parent "dinner" where the agency went all out, catered dinner, black tie, music, awards, gifts for everyone....no kids allowed!! ( helped set up respite so we could attend tho....out of 100 homes, 60 had atleast 1 parent come so it wasn't a bad turn out)

DSS needs to realize we work just as hard, if not harder than they do, and we get paid less, and have longer hours. We can't "go home and leave work at the office" There is no such thing.

A periodic thank you, your great!, something!! Would go ALONG way!


We now face the possibility that our 3yr old, we want to adopt and have been fighting for, that her aunt ( who has met her twice and has no contact with her, will actually be awarded custody and we will loose her. Think anyone at dss or catholic charities that is handling her adoption will care or even think about us? nope! Our agency tries, but sometimes, just a little...how are you doing? says alot

[Hannah's Mommy]

Carol-

I agree with you. I always here hang in there. easy for them to say when they are going home to peace and quiet every night. We have a 6 year old with MAJOR issues. They know it and they dont listen. Here is what is going to happen they will all ( 4) of them be returned to thier mother and then be back in the system at some point. They have already told me that the youngest one and one year old is a whole different baby after coming to us from another foster home. The social worker said oh you dont look surprised. I said I am not its amazing what attention will do for a child. The Six year old is coming around. the other two one i am potty training and one just turned 4 and is learning about rules and sharing and being nice. I wouldnt in a heart beat send these kids back. She wont be able to handle them all.

and do we get a thank you fo rputting up with all the abuse from a six year old no I get hang in there. well part of me says if you think its so easy you do it. and part of me says I know I can do it.

But I am here to tell you on behalf of all of us FP thank you. You are making a difference.

[Larryskid]

I would just like to say that I have been researching the internet for any website that focuses on the rights of foster parents and not just the kids. MY Father has been a foster parent for approx 11 years and we have seen many kids come and go. He is one of the foster parents that truly wants to make a diffrence in the kids lives and provide a safe and loving home for them. He has adopted two boys and is in the process of adopting another. What I have a problem with is the fact that these kids come into his home with the attitude that they can do whatever they want to eather him or his home and he has no rights or way to disapline theses kids. He has been mentally and phycialy abused over the years by some of the boys, when he has been attacked and beat up he cant defend himself, if they steal from him or another child he cant confront the one who did it. My kids have had things at his house and had them disapear and then found in the possession of the kids and nothing can be said because it violates their civil rights. They cuss and yell and outright disobey him and he can not disapline them in anyway. He has to TALK to them, well that only goes so far and it just dosent work to well. He has been threatined with false allegations, hes been told "well I will just tell my social worker your abusing me" when there is no abuse going on. He has had the childrens rights shoved down his throat and not one person has stood up and givin him his rights. Ive read about complaints that the foster care is sooooo short of parents and the rates have dropped, well no wonder. who wants to deal with this, these kids instead of being open and gratefull to have a person that really cares they are disrespectfull and ugly, what would happen if all foster parents went on strike, where would these kids go? The state and the agencys should be working not only for the kids but for the parents. I know for a fact that i could never be a foster parent because it would be compleatly unfair to have another child in the house with my own that gets to live under a diffrent set of rules than my own. Im not saying that any kind of abuse should occure but there should be reprocussions when they steal or be disrespectfull or attack anyone. These kids know what they can do and the agencys or state allows it and then when they get into some trouble its alll the foster parents falt. Please someone help me to get more information so I can pass it on to my dad. I worry about him alot because he is basicly at the mercy of these kids sometimes and has nobody to stand up for him.

[Hannah's Mommy]

Larry-

you are absolutly correct. I have been beat up by a six year old. She gets into her frenzy fits and she swings and kicks. She has hit me and kicked me coutless times. she even took a swing at her teacher. tell me she doesnt have issues. I told the social workers and they have done nothing about it. I told her therapist and she said quote" it doesnt happen every day so I am not sure there is a problem" WHAT? There is NO excuse for this behavior. Bio mom is told and nothing. I cant do anything about so she continues to be reenforced that this behavior is ok. All i can do is time out and take away privilages. BULL...I promise if you were to hit me I would hit you back. This kids have no punishment. WE had a foster kid be arrested and they took her out of our home at 10pm and by midnight they found her another home. Where was the punishment and what lessoned was learned there? I am not sure there is anything your dad can do. Stop taking those kids of kids I guess.

My husband said he wanted me to wear a suit of armour. But the system doesnt punish these kids EVER! and the ones that dont need to be punished are the ones suffering. THe kids in my house have no reason to act like that. We make sure they want for nothing and that they have safe and loving home. but I surely cant stand when the ugly kids dominate the not ugly kids. Its an issue we struggle with all the time.

Tell your dad to talk to his agency. he could call his congressman too. I figure the more of us that make them aware of the problems we face the more likely they will be to do something about it.