[happy future]

Hi,
This is my first thread. My husband and I are kinship foster parents of my biological niece. She was physically abused as an infant and was placed in a foster home at 6 weeks of age. It took us about 6 months for all the paper work to be completed so she could live with us.
She has been with us for about 7 months now. Most of the time things are great. She never went thru any separation anxiety and bonded to me very fast. She is always happy and loves our dogs and our 7 year old son.
The problem is that she has a problem with my husband. She will only go to him on her terms. If he puts out his arms to pick her up she screams. Sometimes she screams at him for just walking by. The other foster mom said she was strange with her husband also. She was fine at first and in October was good with him for about a month.
We have tried everything. My husband is a very kind and gentle man. My son adores him and at one time my niece did also. He tries so hard and goes out of his way to make her happy. We have also tried for him to step back and let her approach at her own pace, but she took this as a chance to get closer to me and now wants only me even more. When I am not home (not very often) she is fine with him and my son, but the moment I walk thru the door she is in my arms crying.
My question is has anyone had a foster child that was abused at such an early age? Do you think that the abuse could have affected her mentally at such a young age?
We have talked to the agency and a few counselors, but they say they won't be able to help her until she can talk. The birth parents are in the process of having their rights terminated and adoption is definately in the future-I just wonder if I am doing the right thing for this child, maybe she would be happier in another home. I don't want to give up on her-I love her soo much. If anyone has any suggestions please respond.

thank you

[JuliannaTeresa]

I work in Childrens' Services. Professionally, to me it sounds like it could be either whoever Abused her was Male?

If she were older (I am calculating she is 13 months?). Being afraid of Males is also a definite sign of Sexual Abuse.

I think what she is feeling is more Emotional than Mental? If someone is holding you and you trust that person and then they drop you. That trust is gone!

You are doing the right thing! What I would try maybe when you are not home is putting her in a front carrier with Dad, so that she feels protected, but is still close and able to interact to him! See if that makes a difference?

Good Luck, and Keep Talking Please!!!!!

[happy future]

Her abuser was male, I am not sure if I am able to post what relationship the person was to her.
Although, there were no reports of sexual abuse I wonder sometimes if it did occur. She was taken to the hospital at about 2 weeks of age with vaginal bleeding, but the er dr. ruled it hormonal.
She has been thru so much in her little life that I was surprised that she bonded so well with me. We will try the suggestion of the front carrier and see how that works. The weird thing is that she is fine with him when we are out. She becomes daddies little girl and when he is not home she waits by the gate and points to the door and says daddy. But when he comes in the door she runs the other way.
We knew when we got into this that there would be some emotional problems we did not think they would happen at such a young age. It breaks my heart to see her so upset I just want her to understand that she is safe now and we love her and we will never let another man hurt her again.

[JuliannaTeresa]

She may qualify for Early Intervention? It is different from Therapy and but it is not as Clinical, and they could also figure out some more solutions that would help her?

Look either in the Yellowpages or on the Internet for your City and state for this please.

[alicia hunter]

My daughter came to me at 10 months and was a little afraid of men. It is kinda hard for me to judge what the deal was w/ her because no men live in our home, however, it is very obvious that she had ben sexually abused. Many times the Dr. cannot tell because it has been too long. Usually they cannot give a definate yes/no answer but you can tell by the way they act. How is she about diaper changes and having her bottom washed? This was the way I could identify the problem w/ my daughter. It was nearly impossibly to get her changed.

Also, it is true that she could be afrai because of physical abuse by a man. Good luck! It is so hard at this age because they are nonverbal.

[happy future]

We actually have her enrolled in early intervention, for speech therapy. I have talked to her speech therapist and also the supervisor we have our 6 month eval in February. The speech therapist told me she will bring up our case at the next group discussion and also that she will bring it to the attention of the child phyc.
Sometimes it is just nice to hear advise from someone who is familar with foster children and their feelings.

[happy future]

No actually she is fine when being changed and loves her bath time. It is other things that set her off. Like getting her face wiped, being in a car seat, etc. We do know some background about why these things bother her and we have made a game of the things she doesn't like or we sing a song to her while doing these things.

Luckily for me I have a lot of inside information as to what happened to her-although there are still some areas that we are not so sure about.

The strange thing is, it is not all men who scare her and it is not always consistant. We are trying to figure out what it might be. They say the earliest memory a child has is thru hearing. When she was in the hospital at 5 weeks of age, my husband and I were there every day. Her father was also there too-so maybe she is confusing the voices and just remembers my husbands voice.

Anyway, some days I feel I am grasping at straws to understand and fix the situation (just part of my personality). I just want her to be happy and enjoy her life.

[patrisha]

When my husband and I got together my daughter was only 18 months old. Even though she was never abused, she seemed to be especially stand offish toward's him. This was particularly disturbing since she'd run to his brother on visits (who she knew even less) and my husband usually got along well with kids.

Long story short, it was his lack of beard! All the males in her life had a beard (including his brother) except him. Our pediatrician was the one that clued us in. She suggested that simple triggers like glasses, moustaches, and even very bright blue eyes can spook some little ones not accustomed to them. Even though she was talking we didn't have a clue. Doc said she probably didn't even connect it herself. He grew a beard and almost overnight she started warming up.

I guess if a baby was abused, a physicial similarity to the abuser could trigger the same effect.

Trish

[happy future]

We have thought of this also. Shortly after she came to live with us, my husband shaved his head (he was going bald and was just tired of it) I wondered if this had something to do with it. Her father was not bald, but always did cover his hair with a dew rag or bandanna.

I really like his head shaved, he looks very handsome like that and I'd hate to have him grow it back. I have been letting her touch his head and feel how soft the little hair that is there is. She seems to get a kick out of this and sometimes goes over on her own to "pet" his head. I am hoping with time that this helps her overcome her fear. If not I guess we will have to go back to old look.

[blmsgrandma]

(this is my first post after reading here for several weeks so if I do something wrong just ignore or let me know, thanks)
It is very hard for me to understand the sexual offender. It is even harder to understand how a child is supposed to live a normal life after sexual abuse. It seems to me that that is the most violating type of abuse there is because it not only violates a childs body, but also their spirit and mind.
My questions are:
When you received your child (if thorugh the state) did your worker inform you of the abuse?
Did they tell you who the offender was so that you could monitor the situation with the child and the offender?
Was the offender charged and what outcome was there from that?
What methods did you use to help the child get over the abuse?
What signs other than the few that you have mentioned here, did you witness that would convince you that the child was abused?
Was your worker aware of abuse (was this the reason for the child being placed in care) before the child came into your care?
If not, have you voiced your concerns about suspected sexual abuse and how did your worker handle it?
If the issue should arise later on and questions come from the child (if you have or intend to adopt the abused child) how will you handle that? Would you confirm or deny or neither?
Do you have fears about how this will affect the child later on (if you are planning to adopt) and what problems it may cause you?
It's a very interesting topic because so many children are in care because of sexual abuse. There must be a multitude of ways to deal with these issues and the more informed a person is, the better they may be able to deal with a child that has been sexually abused.
It makes me sick to think of someone doing such perverted things for their own pleasure to a child and caring not a bit about how detrimental the effects of their actions would be to the child for the rest of their life.

[MommaD]

What you described sounds pretty normal to me. My now 5yr old (bio) was like that as a baby. Her Daddy has always been a part of her life. He's kind, gentle and the best father I know, so we know it wasn't trauma that made her such a Mommy's girl. He was convinced she just didn't like him, and it hurt his feelings. He tried everything to get into her good graces, but nothing worked. The best he ever got was ambivalence from her, lol. She was about 3 when she finally started coming around.

She would also go to men she didn't know on occasion. Once I was holding her and she reached for my great uncle (first time she'd seen him) and let him hold her for an hour! We were all shocked, lol. It turns out that was just her personality, and still is to an extent.

I think your right to check into this, but I honestly wouldn't worry over it. It could just be the way she is, and even if she had never been abused she may still be this way.

MommaD

[MommyofEli]

My bio son is weird about men too. I am a stay at home mom and he seems to like all females. I quess it is because that is what he sees. He is not scared of my hubby but does not want him doing anything like feeding him bathing him.....That is all mommies job. The only thing daddy is to do with him is play. Now if daddy talks to him in a deep voice this scares him very much and he sticks his lips out and crys. If a man has a very deep voice and facial hair his is very scared of them. I think maybe it is fairly normal to perfer one sex over another for a young child.
I hope that the abuse has nothing to do with being different acting toward men. I hope it is just a phase.

[L-A-J-C-R-C]

I came up with an idea that may help.

When your husband is home you could have him attend to her every need. Drinks, snacks, baths, bedtime, read to her, everything. Make her have to rely on him. Make yourself scarce (this will give you some much deserved mommy time too ) go read a book, soak in a bubble bath, go to a movie - whatever.

Sounds like she needs to learn that daddy will take care of her and protect her too.

Just a thought...hope it helps

Michelle

[6babes]

My 25 month old fd was severely physically abused by her bdad as an infant. She came into care at 7 months. She was in a home with no males. She came to us at 11 1/2 months and was terrified of my dh. It took her a few months before she would go to him. We just let her take her time. She would sit with me while he played and talked to her and she watched my other children interact with him. I think it helped that we have an ad that is 2 months younger who was and is Daddy's little girl. My fd wanted the attention too. My fd is still very wary of other people, especially males and has all kinds of fears and phobias, however she now adores my dh and has a very special bond with him. I hope your fd gets over her fear soon.

[sfbaymom2000]

Although I have not yet had a fost/adopt placement, I have to agree with MommaD that some of this may just be normal behavior and/or her personality. You mentioned that getting her face wiped or being in a carseat upsets her, and that you know the reasons for this. Maybe there was abuse related to these activities (like washing her face in a forceful, painful manner?). But it is also very common for young children not to like these activities.

My bio daughter also was very comfortable with my husband sometimes, and other times strongly preferred me. I think the fact that she is fine with him in some situations is very encouraging. I wouldn't force the contact too much. You definitely need to be aware that issues that come up could be related to her previous trauma, but you also have to know that not every problem will be abuse and/or adoption related. Even bio sons and daughters throw tantrums, have food issues, toileting issues, behave aggressively, etc.

The blessing in all of this is that at least she did not endure years of abuse! Good luck to you!

Lynn