[Iamfostermommy2]

Hello,
Can someone please help my pain? We have been foster parents since Feb. and we have had several placements, but we got this one little boy who came to us on March 9 and we had to let him go Tuesday Dec. 9. The judge gave mom back custody of him and we are brokenhearted. I know DFACS says not to get attached to these kids, but in all honestey how can you not ? We feel like he is our child. It is almost like a death in the family is how we are feeling. We have cried so much. We miss him. Can someone please give me some hope or peace?

Thank you so much from a brokenhearted foster family!!!!

[42TXGIRL]

I have not been there, so I can only imagine the feelings you are having now. I was adopted and can not find my biological family. At one point and time, I thought of giving Foster care, but I knew I would never be able to take them being ripped away from me. I have a 15 year old son of my own that was ripped from me in a nasty divorce 3 years ago. He is 15 now and he wanted to come and live with me. My fiancee and I went through the motions and spent money on courts, lawyer.. money I don't have, to do what he wanted, put him in the Highschool.. everything else. I lost him again. He could not handle any responsibilities AT ALL, dis-respectful to me and his father basically "bought" him back. My heart has been ripped too many times in the past 3 years:

Horrible divorce, $20K later I lost it ALL
Lost my Adopted Dad due to illness (he was basically my Family)
Job Lay off after 13 years
My sister and I are no longer speaking
My mother washed her hands of me when I moved out of town to my new Fiancee.

Thought if you read my garbage... it might make you feel better just to know, you are not alone with a broken heart.

My story I know does not make yours ANY easier... but, know that I feel for you! A real caring person pouring out their life and soul to a child just to have him taken away is a horrible thing. I just don't understand how it can be aloud. The child was attached to you also, I am sure. How does that affect a child??

My prayers and thoughts are with you. Keep Faith and know "Everything happens for a reason". I believe that and will keep believing it.

If you want to, please reply to me and I will be glad to listen ANYTIME.
Yours truly,
Lisa

12-11-03 I would like to add one thing. I was in a foster home from age 2-5 and from what I have read, they were wonderful to me!!! There is NO REPLACING what they did for me out of the kindness of their hearts! If it were not for them, there is no way of knowing where I would be today. I am thankful for them being part of my life. Try and know that you brought much love to this child and gave a gift from your heart that no one else can ever replace. 12-11-03 I would like to add one thing. I was in a foster home from age 2-5 and from what I have read, they were wonderful to me!!! There is NO REPLACING what they did for me out of the kindness of their hearts! If it were not for them, there is no way of knowing where I would be today. I am thankful for them being part of my life. Try and know that you brought much love to this child and gave a gift from your heart that no one else can ever replace.

[bwinks]

Dear Iamfostermommye- I have been where you are at and it does hurt. You did nothing wrong it is normal for you to feel the feeling that you are feeling. I wouldn't change a thing about how you take the children not only in your home but in your heart as well. That is one of the hazard of the occupation. I can remember when by first little girl lift. I had had her for 5 1/2mo and we were the only parents she had every had. Her mom did not visit when she had the opportunity to and it was a mess. That is another story. I do want you to know that when she left I weld. I never really new what that word mente before. When I would read it and it would say she was weld with grief. For those of you that don't know what that is that is where your soul cries out to God to pick you up and hold you. The best part is he does. Anyway when she was pulled from my arms she was 8mo I fell to the floor and laid there for over an hour welling and crying until I could finally craw to the couch. I was told later that the birthmom tried to get back into my house because she could here me all the way to the street even over the baby crying for me. I did noting for 3days but stay in bed and cry until there were no more tears left. It felt as if my own child had been taken away and I did noting wrong. All I did was Love this beautiful child. That is what I needed to do to get through to the other side. That is what I want you to know that there is another side. I am so glad that we didn't stop then and just give up and say this is to hard. It hurts to much. In stead I preyed for her, I prayed for her birthmom. Then I was reminded if I could love her child with unconditional love then I had to love her mom the same. I had to keep reminding my self that she needed me and how important that first year is and that I had given her the best foundation on life that I could and if her mom felt as if she could parent then that is what she should do. Our little girl's mom allows us to still see her. We were with the state so I'm not sure if you can or if you would even want to talk with the birthmom about visits. We were so open with our birthmom's that when they decided to parent we were lucky enough to have them stay in our life's. I hope this makes you feel better. Don't every forget that God is there with you? He is not only holding your hand but he is carrying you.
Barbara

[jessica_e]

I am so sorry. All I can do is tell you that I have been where you are now and you will make it through. When my first baby went home, he had been with us since he was 5 days old. Placing him in his father's arms was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. For the first few days after he left, it was all I could do to breathe. I know you don't think so know, but there will come a day when you will actually go 24 hours without crying. My baby J has been gone 5 months, and sometimes i go 2 days before the tears come.

Two weeks after J left, I got a call for a 12 month old, and 6 hours later for a 6 day old. I didn't think I could handel it at first, but it turned out to be the best therapy I could ever get! Throwing myself into meeting the needs of these 2 babies left me little time to focuse on my own heartbreak. My arms didn't feel so empty...

Your heart will never completely mend. Like my baby J, your baby has taken a part of your heart with her. You are forever changed. But, it does get easier. I know others might disagree with me, but I would encourage you to get another baby quickly. I know you might feel guilty (because I did) about loving another child. But, you are not betraying your little girl's memory by giving another child what they need. And you might find that it helps you work through the grief.

And someday, the child will come into your life that you get to have as yours forever. The little 6 day old girl we took in is now almost 5 moths old and we will be adopting her in the spring. As much as I love and miss baby J, I realize that I would never have known her if he would have stayed, and I can't imagine my life without her. And someday, when we get to heaven and you receive your crown, there will be a big jewel with your little girl's name on it, and you will hear.. "Well done my good and faithful servant."

[jessica_e]

I'm sorry... yours was a little boy.. the previous post was a little girl... you are in my prayers...

[saxxxy]

My husband and I had to move our little 3 year old foster daughter into her uncle's house on December 7th. We had her for eight months. I know exactly how you feel.

[mckenna]

i have to agree with a previous post that throwing myself right back into it was the best therapy for me. i had my second fd for 10 months and there had been talk (from the sw) about adoption. when she left, i was heart broken. 3 weeks later i got a beautiful 3 month old little boy who has been the light of my life ever since. had she not been returned, i would never have met him. his adoption was final this past friday and i could not be happier. he of course did not replace my fd. but obviously we were meant to be a forever family and i would not trade the time i had with my fd either. it will get better with time. good luck to you.

[Dixierae]

Hi you and your family are the best all around, you take kids in from places no one wants to think about, but yet they are around and sometimes its there own homes too.

Anyway, I am a bmom and I think what you do is so important,you help those who can not help them selfs
so keep in mind when your angles fly not to be sad that you do good things


From my home to yours MERRY CHRISTMAS

kNOW ITS JUST WORDS BUT i REALLY HOPE THEY HELP

[toyjsu]

You are right, there is no way to avoid getting attached to these children. They need someone to get attached to them. Reading your post lets me know how much you love that baby. Try to take comfort in knowing that while he was with you he knew what love was. I have been where you are. Our first foster child came to us a few days shy of 7 months old. She was the most beautiful baby you can imagine. I couldn't bear handing her over to the father. I chose to have the social worker come to our house so I could secure her in her carseat. I needed that closure. I miss her terribly. Unlike some of the other posts, I still haven't gotten another placement. It has been 6 months. Every night I beg God to send me another child to love. I think about her constantly. The pain doesn't entirely go away for it does get better with time. I've finally stopped trying to prepare a bottle for the night. Good luck.

[Iamfostermommy2]

Thanks to all the replies, I have not felt like getting on the net lately. I miss him so much. My husband is upset also. I think the thing that upsets us the most is he has not lived with his mother since he was three months old. She was in jail and he lived with an aunt until he came to us. The system did not even do over nite visits first, they just moved him and he was very upset, he did not want to go. What do we do right here at christmas and he is gone? I have cried so much. We do have other foster children in the home. We foster a total of four at a time. The day we turned our little boy over they had another two year old for us to foster. No one will ever take the place of him. Will I ever love another child like I did him? Is it just because it was our first long term placement? The children in our home ages are 4,3,2, and five months.
Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder

[KellyStacy]

My heart goes out to you.I am not a foster parent,however I did help out someone who had previously had 4 children.We met through a distant family member when she had her 5th child a precious beautiful little boy she was considering giving him up for adoption.Since she had no help and the biological father actually left the state she was first thinking of placing the child in foster placement.I heard and immediately said i would definitely help out with the baby .I became extremely attatched to that little boy almost every weekend I would care for that precious little boy from 5 months.The biological mother and I became good friends and she would continually promise that maybe one day she would actually let me adopt him.Well that day never came I took care of that child like he was my very own i cannot express how much i loved that little boy.There was not a weekend i did not have that baby.Plus I got laid off and worked as a nanny and took that child with me everywhere.That child was my life.When he turned 5 and a half the bioligical father appeared into his life.The bioligical father wanted me and my boyfriend out of his sons life.Believe me it broke my heart I cannot tell you how many nights I cried and asked God why??? How could this possibly happen? We became God parents of this little boy who is now 9.We still see him almost every other weekend and the bioligical parents now see how important we are to that precious little boy.I always say for some reason God wanted this child in our lives.Now both my boyfriend and i want to adopt...that little boy left a void in our hearts its true no child can take the place of another.But trust in God and the truth is God placed that child with you for a reason you gave that child love,caring,stability and the greatest gift of all a loving family even if it was for a short time. Always know you did all you could and beleive me you made a difference in that childs life. God bless you as I know what the heartache feels like I will keep you in my prayers to help the heartache slowly heal.If you need someone to email please feel free Jones3513@cs.com

[cheyenne1]

Each child has a place in your heart that is theirs forever. No child can replace another in your heart. Just let your heart grow for the other ones in you house and for the others that are coming.

[Love_um_all]

how are you getting along, I am really sorry to hear of your loss. I know the great depth of loss and pain you feel. I have been there too - I have lost 2 baby boys, and our baby girl is in limbo right now. I have no idea how the homestudy is going, but I just keep telling myself not to worry. What I have learned - it hurts really bad and no one knows how bad, or even knows how to comfort you. I really hate that. I have found that a new baby helps fill that spot of emptiness. It really helps if you know the child is in a good home, You need to know as bad as it hurts, it does get easier. You will love again, and mostlikely, your love will grow even deeper for the new child, It is an amazing thing that happens. I have peace now. It is werid, my baby girl may leave me in 1 month. I will hate it and cry for days, but I know I will be ok, I will live to love again. I don't know if you are christain, but also, an other comfort to me is about fear. I have come to realize FEAR BRINGS TORMENT. I have to trust God with my life. And the odd thing is, I am stronger for it. I hope this makes sence.

[renee34]

" It is better to love and lost then to have never loved"


I was a foster mom. It does hurt but I would be scared to let kids come to you if it did not hurt when they left. Give your self time to greve. You lost a loving part of your family. After a bit let your heart open up for the next child. That child needs you to.

[Iamfostermommy2]

Thanks to all of you for trying to help me feel better, your words of incouragement does make me feel better. Tomorrow will be three weeks since he left. I am still crying. I can't help it. I wonder where he is, if he is okay, if he had a good christmas.
Yes I am a christian. I know God does not put any thing on us more than we can handle. I know God will take care of us.
Please keep praying for us.
I have had his room closed off since he left, I just opened it back up over the weekend. I feel like I need to get another child in there quick to cope with missing him. There are alot of memmories of him everywere.
We ask the caseworker if she could ask the mother if we could see him, just to know he is okay. The caseworker said she did not think it would be a good idea, because he would want to come home with us. Why is she all the sudden caring? She did not care when she just up and moved him without overnite visits first.
Fostermommy2