[riley6]

I know it was your post that started the whole thing about not liking certain children, but I'm concerned about how you and your child are doing.

Not every child is going to be the perfect "fit" for every family. Sometimes it just does not work out and the best thing to do for everyone involved is to find a better fitting family for the child. All of my children came from disrupted placements. They were not the right children for their last families, and although we have our moments, I truely can say that they are the children meant to be with our family.

If you know in your heart that this child is not meant to be your forever child, don't force it. The right family for her is awaiting, as is the right child for you.

[HappyMomAnna]

Yes, I have been thinking about you as well.......... We do hope you answer this thread and that we can help you and hear from you.........

[seashel]

Thank You for thinking of me. I posted again on my original post but I think that it just got lost in the shuffle. There were some definate heated debates.

As far as how we are doing. Things have not gotten any better w/our fd. My husband and I had a long heart to heart and came to the conclusion that we just are not the right family/parents for our fd. Maybe she needs more seasoned or experienced foster parents or maybe she shouldn't be an only child. I'm only guessing, but if we cannot love her 100% then it in truth is not fair to her. She deserves a family that loves her and is capable of dealing with her attachement issues. We are obviously not that family. We told her therapist last night. I broke down and cried, I am already grieving, thinking of the what if's. I only hope that they can find her, the forever family that she needs and deserves. I have to pray that this is what is best for her. I also have to believe that we also did alot for her. She has Noonans Syndrome and had a hole in her heart that had to be repaired. We saw her through major open heart surgery and delt with some other medical issues. She is now healthy and thriving. But, we could use some help with dealing with healing our grief so that we are able to tell her that she will be moving to another family and make the transition as easy for her as possible. How do you do this? Once she leaves us, we have decided to take a bit of time off before having another adoptive placment. My hubby and I need to deal with our feelings, spend some quality one on one time together and maybe read some more, attend more support group meetings and seminars. In other words we need to fill our cups back up. Any advice would be most helpful. Thanks again,
Seashel

[riley6]

My advice would be to take the time you need. Even KNOWING everything you can about every disorder out there, it's different LIVING with a child with it. I have a child with RAD. I know how hard it is. We have over 20 years of parenting experience as well as being fp's to 20 children. This little one still tests me beyond what I've ever experienced. Nothing in the world could have prepared me for the behaviors I've endured.

Be good to yourselves. Use this experience for what it is, a life lesson. You are changed by being her mom, even for a short time. Use that change for the better and things will work out in the end. I'm sorry you have had to make such a heart wrenching decision. My prayers are with your family.

[momplusfive]

We also had to let go of a fs we were in the process of adopting. My heart still aches inside, but I know it was the right decision. I truly understand what you are feeling and pray that with time you will feel better. I try to look at the positives. My little boy 18 mo old has come alive and seems so much happier, probably because I am not so grumpy and moody anymore. I've also learned alot from this situation. I use to think I could handle anything and pretty much adopt any child well I know my limits now. We will only adopt or foster in birth order(meaning they have to be the baby of the family) The child we take into our home will be younger than the youngest. I also would like to wait for one adoption or foster placement to be finished before we comit to another. This is just right for our family, other families may do things totally different. These are just the few things I have learned from what we've been through.

[HappyMomAnna]

I have never had to do what you need to do and cannot imagine how hard this is for you.....

I am not sure how to talk to her---I guess It would depend a lot on what she is expecting and thinking? Is she believing she is being adopted--or has that been kept out of the discussion so far?

If she believes she is being adopted then I suppose this is going to be very painful. She is not at an age where it would be a good idea to tell her, 'someone will adopt you' because that might not really come true for her.....

If she has not been made to think that at last she has a forever family then you might be surprised how easy it is---most of these children don't expect to stay -- even if there is an adoption plan they know we change our story a lot--so part of the hard part of transistion is making them believe this is not going to change. Most of these kids take a long time to trust the situation...anyway so she may handle this a lot better then you do.