[leenab]

I've had our fost/adopt son for a week and a half. He is legally free for adoption, taken away from another foster family though. Our goal is to adopt him.

Anyway he's just the greatest little boy. Our only issue is his hair. He's African American and has a head full of hair, about 7-8inches of hair. I'm not a good braider at all. I've tried my hardest but it never looks right. I've also tried the twists but he sweats so much that about after 2 days they have to be redone which takes me a few hours. He does sleep in a doo rag which is supposed to make the twists stay in longer (but doesn't). The only thing I've been able to do is keep it in a fro with a doo rag and a baseball hat on top. Since he's legally free for adoption do you think I can ask the law guardian if I can cut his hair short?

I'm spending more time doing his hair in a day than I spend taking a shower and doing my own hair in a week.

HELP!
LeenaB

[rindava]

When I was a foster parent my first set of sibs came with a major problem with lice...the girls hair had never been cut and it took forever to get the lice out and then b-mom (who kept lice) would give it to them again on every visit...(I finally got smart and always had their hair up and sprayed with a lot of hair spray every visit) I got a note from the Dr. to cut the hair.

If he is placed with you for adoption, it should be your choice of hair cuts for the child. You should also get some kind of hair care education if you ask. What does the case worker say? Do you really have to go all the way to the GAL for permission? (When kids are having contact with b-parents here you had to get permission....but you don't once the b-p go to TPR) My son is from Missouri and when the children there are placed as "adoptive" placements, the adoptive parents make most choices for the child (even medical treatment and special ed) In Va. you don't offically get to do that until the adoption is final.

If the child is placed with you for adoption and is under 6, I don't think they really should have any say on how the kid's hair is cut. He is your son.

In Va. if the child isn't old enough to care for pierced ears then the foster parents can take them out. If he isn't old enough to care for his own hair, you should be able to cut it short.

[HarrysGirl]

I agree that you should be able to get his hair cut short.

Talk to the case manager, supervisor, GAL or who ever else has the authority to say his hair can be cut. It is not practical for you to have to spend so much of your time or his doing his hair. You both have more fun things to do.

[LynMaria]

If he were a caucasion child with straight blonde hair that was beginning to grow over his eyes and to his collar, would you think twice about running him up to Fantastic Sam's or Supercuts? Same goes for AA children. Is he old enpough to reques his own hairstyle or is he a baby or toddler?

[HarrysGirl]

Some states give foster parents a hard time about everything.

There are bparents who do not want their children's hair cut when they are in foster care. That holds true for all races. I knew many parents who did not want their girl's to get hair cuts and others who did not want their boy's hair cut till they were at least five years old. It is a cultural thing in some cases. Other bparents complain if foster parents don't get the children's hair cut on a regular basis.

You can't please everyone. The bparents may not even care if
leenab gets his hair cut, but it is best to find out first.

[Teresa K]

I never realized cutting hair was something people had to ask permission for. I can see it if it is a temporary placement but this does not sound like that.

Perhaps ask the child what he wants?? I can see he may want to respect his culture and the long hair is part of that. But, I was thinking of my kids. My son had long beautiful blonde curls that I finally cut due to keeping it looking decent. Now he wants it SHORT. Partly because he does not like all the conditioning stuff it takes to comb it out several times a day. If you are spending that much time on his hair the child must be sitting doing nothing when most have things they would rather be doing than having their hair done. I would kind of like to know how you get him to sit still that long??? I admire you for that as I doubt any of mine would have ever done it. Teresa

[leenab]

Thanks everyone. My soon to be adopted son is 2 yrs 8 months old. It is very difficult to get him to sit for so long. I usually try to start the process just before a nap and then do it while he's sleeping and let him have a snack during that time too. But he does complain that he wants me to stop doing it. If I stopped he's have one giant knot. Since he's so young he doesn't seem to care if his hair is short or long. He's told me he wants hair like Daddy's, who's is short.

At every meal I have to cover his head otherwise we end up with food in it. So he's had his hair washed more times than reccommended by his caseworker who said to wash it once every week or two. Well in the last week and a half it's been washed 3 times. I keep on putting the oil in it every day but it just doesn't look healthy. My husband thinks he looks like Don King.

I've asked about taking care of his hair, but there don't seem to be any classes on it. I told my caseworker that African American hair care really needs to be part of the state's training as the majority of children in care are African American. This pasty white girl is just at a loss for what to do.

If he were a girl I could just put it in 2 pony tails or 2 braids. But he came with 8 cornrows in his hair. Too much for me to even attempt.

I'm going to call his caseworker on monday and ask if we can cut it. Wish me luck.


LeenaB

[qs mom]

This reminds me of a friend of mine. She is bi-racial adopted by a caucasian family. Her mother just never knew what to do with her hair. So it was almost always in a little ponytail.

She's in her 30's and still wears it that way most days!

[joymom]

Another pasty white mom here... (we have 2 AA boys, both adopted, both with short hair until they speak up when they're older).

Suggestions if you aren't allowed to cut his hair:

There's a great book called "It's all good hair", basic care for AA hair. I got it from Barnes&Noble.com. We are seeking to adopt an AA girl, so I'm reading up.

If you do not have an AA adult in your life who could "tutor" you (I have a friend who has agreed to help me learn the braiding), ask your SW for references. This may sound wierd, but you very well may be able to find someone who can teach you.

Another idea is to find a salon in your area (or relatively close by, we'll have to drive at least an hour) that specializes in AA haircare. You can try your search engine. Also, just asking AA women (or men) you know or come into contact with where they get their hair done will put you on the right track. NOT EVERY 'BARBER' knows how to cut AA hair (even short) and they can make a MESS.

We have experimented with a lot of different oils, lotions, leave-in conditioners with our boys' hair. Each of the boys' hair responds better to a different product. So, if his hair doesn't look healthy, trying a few different products might help.

At the very least, I'd push for a "trim" even if a cut isn't allowed. Part of the problem may be broken ends (black hair tends to be brittle).

Keep it up!

[stepforone]

We weren't allowed to cut our fd's hair and she was 2-1/2 when she came to us. The biom had never had it cut and didn't want it cut. She was also bi-racial (bmom is white) and her hair tangled bad. I went ahead and got a trim even though cw said it was denied. But cw also pointed out that she wouldn't notice if I did get a trim on it! But this child didn't have visits with family so there was no one to complain. When the parents rights were terminated my cw pointed out that she guessed I could NOW (1 year later) get her hair cut. If you son is legally free for adoption then it should be up to the state who has custody of him at this point. Not the GAL. Check with the cw, I'm sure it would be no problem since there are no parents to complain about it.

[HarrysGirl]

If he is legally free, who is to say no? It is only the birth parents who would have anything to say or care one way or the other.

I would not ask anyone, just take him for a hair cut. You plan to adopt him and he should be treated like your own child. If you want to get your child's hair cut you don't have to ask anyone. IMHO

[HarrysGirl]

You are not required to ask the cw if you can cut his nails, give him a bath, take him to the doctor, why should you have to ask about a hair cut now that he is under state guardenship? We are always told to treat the children like they are our own. Except of course, when someone wants you to do something else then you have to treat them like they are not yours.

[withopenarms]

we too had a fs in our care and he was four and hair was too his shoulders and stick straight , it would look greasy by the end of the day. We were not allowed to cut his hair either, bmom wanted it long ( he wasn't legally free) but here in Washington our foster parent paper work stated that hair cuts had to be approve . With him legally free hopefully you will have the option if you decide to use it . I can't imagine how a 2 1/2 year old can hold still for that long Wow. Good Luck to you and him
P.S. Congrats to finding your Son

[DayByDay]

I know it sounds crazy, but I was wondering what you were using to dry his hair. If his hair is long, you should probably try using a blow dryer with an assortment of comb attachments. That will help to keep his hair straight. Also, what kind of oils are you using? Try using a little oil on his hair when you blow dry it. Also... it probably wouldn't be too hard to find a hair salon that could help. Most WAL*MART stores have salons now. Just walk in and ask if there's anyone there who could help with your situation.

[leenab]

We were told not to use a hair dryer on his hair, but to just pat it dry with a towel. I'm using a children's oil moisturizer on his hair from the black & beautiful line. It smells like bubble gum and is creamy. I'm thinking of switching t coconut oil as that's what my husband uses (he's indian). The creamy one just gets absorbed and doesn't leave a shine.

He is legally free, but his old Foster mom wants him back and is fighting for him. She's the one who grew his hair out in the first place. But the state's plan is for him to be adopted by us. They took him away from her for safety reasons related to domestic violence. So chances are that she will never get him back. At this point the state isn't working with her or talking to her about him. I just hope it was enough of a safety issue to remove him. But he doens't ask for her or even talk about his old foster family. It's like he's been here all his life.

I just hope we get permission to cut the hair. Our state requires that you get permission before cutting a child's hair.




LeenaB