[nealymouse]

I have 3 adopted daughters and one foster daughter. 4 years ago we decided not to adopted again and just do foster care.

Every few years we take a family vacation and have always taken our foster child. Never have we left them behind because we feel if they are here in our family then they are family.

We have had a teenage girl now for 15 months. She can be a great kid at times but will not let us get close to her. She will go out of her way to be veribly cruel to my 9 and 10 year olds. Stresses that when she is 18 she is moving in with her birth mom, Will not spend any holidays with us. (she is able to go to Birth Moms)

We have tried so hard to make her feel at home here. Her AG calls us Foster Care Heaven because we really do wonderful things with our foster and adopted children.

We took her for a weekend getaway and it was so hard she made it a point to make my 14 year olds life horrible. She used to play the inncent victim but I have now caught on to the fact that she is not at all the victim but the villian.

I booked a 9 day vacation in Disney World and we are not taking her. I have arrianged respite to come to my home to care for her. I have not told my children we are going. They will find out when we are at the airport. I will tell our Foster Daughter the night before.

THE GUILT IS KILLING ME !!!! I know I need to keep my core family healthy but I have never left a child behind before.

Has anyone out here ever had to do this ? Both of her SS workers are backing me 100 percent. My family is also backing me. I am just so upset. I cant change our plans and I dont want to. I think I just need a little support from other Fosrer Parents.

thank you

[Jensboys]

You have to do what is right for EVERYONE and at times, the right of one to be happy is outweighed by the rights of everyone else to feel the same.

We too did it once -- and our foster daughter ran away from home the weekend we were gone (hated respite) ... ended up breaking back into our house, got arrested for possession etc BUT it was the best thing I could of done for US. I left feeling totally drained from dealing with her and came back with the energy to deal with her again. She KNEW that not coming along was a direct consequence of her behaviour and if she wanted to be included in the future, she needed to respect the boundaries of the family. I truly believe that in the end, it was DEFINITELY the right thing to do.

After she left our home, we talked with the kids about taking in another child. Their response to me was "As long as its not A. because you are always having to DEAL with A. so you have no time to deal with ME". I dont ever want my kids growing up and thinking that I placed a greater value on one child then I did on all the others ... they are equally valuable and deserved the best of me too.

Good luck for empowering yourself to make the decision!

[nealymouse]

WOW did you make me feel better !!!!. Thank you

Tonight I asked 2 of my daughters if we were to take a vacation (remember they have no idea they are going) would they want her to go ? They both said NO before they even thought about it.

When she 1st came to us and before I realized how much she loved the attention she got from Doctors . I had taken her to over 36 dr appointments in 6 months. At each appointment she came up with a different aliment that required me to make an appointment with a different Dr for that problem. and on and on it went. One Dr finally told her he had sick people to see so it was not just me thinking this was a snow job. But If I had not taken her and she was sick !!!!!

So much of my time was with her. Your right and again thank you for making me feel better about this.

Beth

[Jensboys]

They could be twins! We had 17 trips to the ER in 3 months for "hypothermia" "I think I broke my wrist" "Maybe I have a bladder infection" (how do you disprove that one????) before I just started telling her she could walk herself there I was too busy (lol then we went on to other attention seeking behaviours!)

She was an only child and was placed with us ... and we had 4 little boys. She was INCREDIBLY jealous of the baby ... although she adored him, I wasnt supposed to like him too much .

Have a GREAT trip. Remember, she isnt with you for "life" and you are going to make some "lifetime" memories with your children! What a wonderful surprise.

PS ... I wouldnt tell her the night before -- if I know teenage girls ... she will raise a big stink about it and wreck the surprise and also try to wreck your trip by laying on the guilt. Can her swer tell her that day at school, after you have left and explain WHY they felt it was necessary? MAybe you could leave her a small gift and a letter explaining the reason for the trip and encouraging her to have lots of fun with the respite worker?

[hope4kids]

It wasn't a vacation, but I battled some of the feelings you are having over it. I chose to leave a teen fd in respite and only take my 2 and 5 year old adopted daughters to the fireworks on the fourth. She made it clear she didn't want to be in respite care, but my daughters needed time alone with mommy. It was hard, but it was the right choice.

[dadfor2]

you are taking a vacation from your job. Foster Care is a Job and it sounds like your whole family needs a break.

The message is pretty clear from your family.

You sound like a great foster mom, so go to disney world and enjoy yourself, you do deserve a vacation.

Guilt is a killer. there is nothing to feel guilty about, everyone deserves a vacation from work, and being a good foster mom is alot of hard work. God bless you...

IF this was one your daughters, a teenager, she probably wouldnt want to go anyway.....lol.

anyway, please go and take care of yourself. have fun. You are doing the best thing for you and your family.


dadfor2

[nealymouse]

Thank you all for your wonderful words of wisdom. As soon as I read all your replys I went out and talked to my Hubby and told him I was starting to feel much better about our decision to leave her home.

I guess after being a Foster Mom for 11 years I can take a quilt free vacation.

I stumbled on to this sight looking for ideas I never expected this kind of support.


THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH !!!

Beth

[debsdone]

Of my 5 children, my eldest, now 25, is VERY difficult to be with for any length of time. We did the 10 day disney trip, with all 5 kids, about 5 years ago. She made it very difficult and stressful and I SWORE I would never allow that again. We are taking the kids for 10 days in Hawaii in a few months. She is not included. Yes, she is an adult, but so are 2 others. I am simply not willing to do it! She makes her choices, and now so do I. To people outside of my family it seems mean. For anyone who knows us, it seems necessary. (sadly) But I sure know GUILT up close and personal! LOL Love, Debi

[lambeausam]

The bottom line is...you and the other family members need a break from the antics. Don't feel guilty - feel proud that you recognize the importance of self-preservation. Hopefully, this will also provide the teen with a lesson about behavior and consequences. Enjoy your trip!

[Michellemomof5]

I know it is hard to not feel guilty, but you are doing the right thing. For some of the kids that join our families, they have never had as much fun and love as they experiance with us. It does not feel good for them sometimes, threfore they need to create their old atmosphere.

I think it is fair to say that your childen have made some pretty big sacrifices for your desire to foster parent. Reward their selfless actions. They deserve it. You go and have a great time. Do not think twice.

Mother of 5
Have had 63 foster children, 3 adopted.
Michelle