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This message was originally posted by badcox.

My husband and I after family therapy appointments have decided to disrupt the adoption proceedings. The child (8 1/2 years old) has been in our home for 5 months. We have a younger son who is 6. He makes it clear all the time that he doesn't want her in our family (verbally and through drawings). When we first met her we were told she was great and had a little attachment disorder but things would be fine. 2 months later she was admitted into the hospital. We soon discovered that she has severe asthma. Her attachment disorder has brought out threats against us, aggression and total disrespect. I will ask her not to do something and within 1 minute she will start it again. It is a constant battle with pushing the limits. Both my husband and I work full-time jobs. We were told 2 weeks ago that both kids were not passing school. We were in horror. The fost/adopt child because she refused to do the work and missed too many days due to her illness. The other one was from emotional problems. He is academically on target, but is having emotional problems reverting back to preschool age behavior.

We decided to disrupt the adoption due to the time need for the fost/adopt child. We have enough problems with just the medical issue now we need intense therapy. Our jobs are very unflexible in certain parts of the year. We believe we have too much on our plates.

The problem is that we have to tell her this week, but we feel like we can't go forward. We took her in letting her know that we are adopting her and she is family. But how do you get over the guilt of what you are about to do. Our social worker talked with our therapist and is now saying this is the best decision for all parties involved. But it hurts so much.

The good news is that they have an adoptive home available for her. The people were interested at first but didn't have all the paper work done. We did find out that they don't have kids and will be able to give her the attention she needs.

But how do we deal with the emotional aspect. We are dreading telling her. Afraid that she might flip out on us. I sometimes wonder if we are just trying to take the easy way out by changing our minds at the last minute.

Can someone give me some advice.

[Archive]

This message was originally posted by Mike.

I like to use my police analogy. Many years ago, like most good-intentioned police officers, I wanted to get to a serious problem quickly. After a few near misses in traffic, I began to realize that if I crashed, I not only wouldn't be able to help them, I would make the matter much worse. It would divide our small communities' emergency resources, spreading them too thin to be as effective as they should be. Since then, I slowed down to make sure that I didn't crash and was able to help.

Too often with these very needy children, we drive too fast - taking on too much. Keeping this analogy, you are also driving in a lot of traffic. There are too many opportunities to crash. She will not let you slow down. Crashing seems inevitable. Your whole family will suffer. It's best to give her to another driver who has less traffic.

I can't say much more to ease your guilt other than it's something we all deal with. We can accept it or beat ourselves up forever on the what if's and should have's. As far as telling her, you know best. She may actually be relieved. We've had some foster children purposefully disrupt placements to take a chance on getting something better.

When she leaves, plan something to rejuvenate your family. Something that you enjoy and fits with your family identity.

[kcurran]

We are needing to disrupt our 8 year old daughter who is RAD. She displays no signs of hurting animals or other children and is not fascinated by fire.

We thought that we could parent her by giving her a chance to be a regular child and lots of love. It didn't work and we can't go on any longer this way.

If anyone would like more information please contact me at wanttomom@yahoo.com

Thanks