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Originally Posted By Wanting to adopt

I am applying to foster adopt and wish to hear from others who have foster adopted, positive and negative. I only wish to adopt, not do foster care. I'm hoping for a healthy child I can give a bright future and a good happy life.

[piper]

I am responding to the individual that is applying to foster adopt, but only wants to adopt. Please keep in mind that many of the children that are available for adoption may not be healthy. Physically or mentally. I am a former foster mother that cared for 17 children over a ten year period. I would recommend fostering before seriously considering adoption. Most people don't really understand what they are getting into. If you foster and later decide is isn't for you it is relatively easy to stop. Adoption is permanent and should not be taken lightly. Nor should fostering. Children's lives are at stake and adults have already caused a lot of these children to have multiple problems. They don't need more from foster or adoptive families. So I urge anyone going into fostering or adopting to do your homework before you take the plunge. Being a foster parent can be extremely rewarding, but it can also be extremely frustrating at times.

[melanie lennon]

My husband and I elected to do adoption and not foster care. Our decision was based on the fact that, for us, being parents is a lot like being married. In marriage, you encounter many problems but, by sticking together and working at it, you grow together. In parenting, we wanted to make the same commitment - we are a family despite whatever problems we encounter with our children.
Parents who give birth to biological children have many of the same problems as foster-to-adopt or adoptive parents. Their children have ADHD, ODD, lying, stealing and bipolarism. Yet, no one suggests that they only partially commit to their children.
Our children, ages 7 and 10, came to us from Colorado last year. The four of us are a family and, like all parents, I find being a good parent demanding and exhausting at times. But, even my reluctant-to-be-a-parent husband is now totally enamored of our children and loves being a father.
I'd also like to tell you about our children. Our daughter, in foster care since age 5, is 10 and reads at 9th grade level. She's in the gifted and talented program, has many friends and plays the viola beautifully.
Our son, in foster care since age 3, is also in the gifted and talented program at school. He has won "Student of the Month" twice since joining us in Ohio.
Yes, our children are grieving. They are also still adjusting. But it is so beautiful to watch a child who has moved every six months begin to figure it out - "this is it! I'm not moving again!!"
P.S. - I admire foster parents for the wonderful things they do for children and their commitment to their foster children. But foster parenting is not for everyone.

[Pat laPier]

I have been a foster parent for 19 years having roughly 700 placements. We adopted a teenage girl a few years ago and are open to future adoption. I am also the president of our county association dealing with many foster and adoptive parents. My suggestion is do some fostering first. Adopting an infant, for the most part can be easier, just make sure you get a clear picture of the background of the parents, drug usage etc. Having an infant, you pretty much set the mold of the behaviors. Adoption of an older child can be wonderful and it can be very hard as behavior problems set in. I honestly feel it is better to foster first to be sure this is really what you want because I have cared for the children that were adopted, then placed back into the system. That rejection is so very hard to get over. Be sure the entire family feels that certain "click" that this is a perfect match or you will really have problems. The child we adopted, had many problems, but she became a part of our family and we couldn't let her go to the world of group homes for teens. My own children cried at the thought of her leaving us and begged us to adopt her. She is now 19 and away at school, doing very well. We love her and support her 100%. The mother in me, says that another child will enter my life that will be become ours. I almost always have 5 teenage girls in my home through foster care. I have many children from the past that call me on a regular basis to ask "mom or dad" advise and holidays are loaded with children that still consider us thier family. I feel blessed that I have been able to help so many and hope to be able to continue for many more years! I hope this helps a little bit.....you can do it either way but please do consider fostering first.

[ladyjubilee]

Pat,


The social worker I've been working with as asked that I consider being licensed as a theraputic foster parent (I want to fost/adopt)....what holds me back is this thing about teaching the birth family how to parent the child. I have a lot of patience with children---and very little with adults. How do you handle this part of fostering?

[Pat laPier]

I'm glad you are considering fostering first. Working with the birth family is not always easy in foster care. Some of them are very angry at the system because they took away thier child and you, as the foster parent, then become part of that system. It will take time to build up some trust and it is not your job to "teach" them how to be a parent. Your can share ideas, thoughts, let them know what your doing that seems to help with behavior problems such as time out and how you do it. It is important to work with the biological parents........they can tell you what the childs favorite foods are, dislikes and likes. As a foster parent we work towards the child being returned home.........it doesn't always happen that way, but that is the first goal. Working together as a team helps. It will help the child you are keeping too. Make sure you have a good support system. Attend treatment team meetings always as that is where everything is out on the table, it keeps everyone in this child's like on the same page. If you have a foster parent support group or foster parent aassocaition in your town, join it. They can share ideas on what they have done in certain situations that can help you. Its also a great to know your not alone. Others do have moments when they need to lean on someone.
I am just curious........what state are you from? I live in NC. If can ever help you just write!

Pat

[ladyjubilee]

I guess I don't understand.....we were told in training that we would have to teach the parents parenting skills. That we'd have to invite folks into our homes and "model" parenting, and that we'd have to be part of the parents' support structure etc.....Which is the part of fostering I'm having trouble with. I just, well, to be just plain honest don't have enough compassion for someone who abuses or neglects a child to even want that kind of relationship. Too, in my experience with spousal abusers, I've alway been told to call a spade a spade......to not allow the abuser to minimize or excuse......yet when it comes to being a foster parent it seems like that is what will be expected of me. I'm supposed to minimize and excuse, and almost enable. I'm just plain stumped on how to do this. Working as a team I can understand, to a certain extent...as long as the team is the child's team.

I'm in NC.

[lucyjoy]

If you want to do only adoption, tell your worker that and stick to it. Foster care is not for everyone. Their are a lot of kids living in foster care that are legally free for adoption. I did not do foster care before I adopted because at that time, I wasn't interested in being a temporary parent and I did not feel I would be helpful in the reunification process. I could do foster care now, but at the time I started out, I wanted only to adopt. You know yourself better then anyone else. Don't let anyone talk you into doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. You can always change your mind later and take the extra training.

[Pat laPier]

Hi Lucy,

I didn't mean to sound like I was telling her what to do. Everyone has thier own opinion............my experience and from my friends that have fostered first or those that just adopted, have all told me it was easier by fostering first. They got a real feel of what it would be like this way. Adoption is a very large decision in ones life and often these children, mainly the older ones do have some problems. the young lady we adopted, had lived with us for 3 years in foster care before she was cleared, and was 16 when we adopted her.
I have worked with many children that have been adopted, then placed back in the system and that rejection plus the hurt from the biological family can really do a number on their heads. All I would really stress to anyone is please be sure that the adoption of a child means a forever thing to you.
I am glad adoption worked out for you so smoothly and your family is happy. Thats all that really counts!

[lucyjoy]

Pat,

My response was actually more about the SW pushing her to do foster care. I do understand your point of view because I have adopted many children who were returned to foster care after being adopted by an unprepared parent. (I've also taken in 8 kids who were between 4 and 17 at the time they were placed.)

I have also seen foster parents interfere with reunification efforts because while agreeing to foster, they really wanted adoption.

To me, foster parenting and adopting are two different things. I also believe parents need better education about what special needs parenting is. I donot believe foster parenting should be used as a form of "adoption practice" for a couple of reasons. First, dealing with birth families and reunification requires a different set of expectations. The plan is to see if the child and their family can heal enough to be together. I wanted to be a mom too much when I started out, so I would not have been a good foster parent then. Also, adoption requires that forever commitment to stick it out no matter what(this does not mean a dangerous child stays in the home, you can parent them while their elsewhere). There have been days I'm not sure I'd have stuck it out if I'd had an out and my kids needed a mom that was stuck(I'm very thankful that I was).

Anyway, just my opinion also. Every person has to decide what's right for their family. I just felt like the poster may have been feeling pressured and it sounded like fostering wasn't really her interest. I know it wasn't mine.

[ladyjubilee]

I don't know that I'm being pressured.....so much as not having any other options. None of the other agencies would even let me take MAPP if I wouldn't agree to be a foster parent not an adoptive parent. At least this time it was offered as something to consider especially since a many of the children I was interested in from the photolisting (by the way, none of whom are actually available for adoption) are in RTCs and as a licensed theraputic foster parent I could do step down from RTC.....At the same time I'm not sure I can handle the "parent training" aspect of being a foster parent--I can take classes to help me with a sexually active or acting out child, or a child with RAD, ODD or bipolar etc. But how do develop a relation to with a child---and be able to excuse and justify the actions of the person who raped that child or how do a convince that child she is safe in my home if I bring the person who beat her into it? Or how can I have enough left over after dealing with severely emotionally distrubed child to support the parent (who would probably also be severely disturbed)?

But at the same time I am not "desperate" to parent. If I were I wouldn't even consider adoption or fostering......in fact, I'd be making extra sure with the birth control . I've always felt it was better to do things from "want" instead of "need".

[lambeausam]

I've only been a foster parent for six years, but I have never heard of the foster parent having to "train" the biological parents. Correct me if I am wrong, but that does not seem to be the foster parent's responsibility. DCFS/DCS/DSS, etc. is responsbile for providing those services.

There have been a few cases where I have conducted supervision for visitation, but that was only because it was voluntary and agreed upon by all three parties - FP, SW, BP.

I can truly sympathize with your hesitation toward foster parenting if those are the agency's expectations. I might suggest you clarify your role with the agency before you make a decision.

[lucyjoy]

Our state allows the choice of only adoption, foster/adopt. or just fostering. I have a friend who does foster/adopt who only accepts children whose goal is to move out of the reunification phase and into something else(adoption/independant living).
That allows her to foster without dealing directlywith the birth family. This may be an option for you.

I've heard about states forcing foster care on parents who want to adopt. I'm not sure how legal that is. If it were my state, I think I'd be asking some questions. If your state has an active foster parent support group, they tend to be great places to ask questions without running the risk of getting blacklisted by a SW.

[Pat laPier]

This still throws me a little as I live in the same state as Ladyjubilee. I'm wondering, are you talking about the new program called shared parenting? That is where we, the foster parents try to make the biological parents feel more welcome and share more of what is going on with thier child. example: the biological parents sits at a team meeting and fusses about trying to get the child to complete homework. Then the foster parent doesn't see that as a problem and shares with the parent how she got them to do the homework without a fuss. It mainly opens the door to communication better and makes the parents feel more involved along the way. Never have we been told we need to teach these parents how to be parents. Thats where parenting classes come in. I have some parents that I can work with easily, others , we don' t interact that much.
It just depends on the circumstances. Check this out with your worker.
Pat

[ladyjubilee]

I'll check into it again (if I can get past voice mails to a real human.) They didn't talk about "shared parenting"---which I'll be honest, if they did I'd flat refuse, but maybe that's it without the label.