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Old 03-24-2012, 03:03 PM
swd swd is offline
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If you adopted a child you intended only to foster....

What was it like for you?

Did you fall in love with the child at first sight/initial placement and decide that if TPR happened you'd step up to be on the adoptive family list? Or did you start out feeling like it was another foster placement, and then decided to adopt once reunification couldn't happen?

I'm asking b/c we started this journey looking to adopt. I didn't want to get my hopes up, and decided I wanted to help whoever needed me, and I would support RU always, until "the one" came along. I was under the impression we'd be getting a lot of babies since there is an apparent shortage of foster homes for them in this area.

DH wants to adopt, but has been concerned about age gap between our son and whoever comes next.

Yaddayaddayadda.... Our first placement is a 2.5 yo boy. He is a great little guy, not much (relatively speaking) baggage as far as we can tell. He is perfect on paper. I have no desire to adopt him. DH says he can already see him fitting into our family.

So can I, but I don't want it. He has a sister and we can't take her too, so I want them to be together instead. I am praying that a family member will be able to take them soon (waiting on homestudy for them, but it's not a clean picture). But I like the little guy and could definitely see him here for the long term if need be. But I just don't like him being separated from his sister. And around and around....

I have a few months to fall in love with him but I'm trying not to. I am actually finding it very easy not to, despite the fact that normally I cave in immediately to things like this. Maybe b/c this is a "real" situation as opposed to "cutepuppyneedsahomecanwekeephimpleasecanweplease. " He's not a puppy. He's a boy. But I thought that would make me even more susceptible to falling in love right away and wanting to just keep him.

So I'm curious.... Have you been in a similar situation and how did it work out?
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Old 03-24-2012, 04:55 PM
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StephanieMB StephanieMB is offline
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We've adopted only one, so far. He came as a 5week old baby and within days we KNEW we'd adopt if given 1/2 a chance.
(It took my DH a little longer than me to "come around" to adopting a new baby. Our youngest was 7yo. DH wasn't sure about starting all over. It didn't take very long though, for the whole family to be super in-love and excited about adopting him.)

Very early in the case, the cw actually told us that due to his parents' horrible situation, she was not expecting RU and was delighted when we said we'd adopt in a heartbeat.

Adoption happened when the baby was almost 15 months old--- relatively fast compared to a lot of other cases.

I do understand where you're coming from, wanting the kids to be together. Do you know why they were separated to begin with? Is the little boy older or younger than his sibling?

I think you need to ask yourself if you would like to adopt him, if there WASN'T another sibling? I know it won't change facts, but it might clarify in your mind, if you are trying to protect your heart by telling yourself you can't let yourself love him because you can't take both kids---- OR if you really don't feel any kind of bond forming and don't see yourself ever truly loving him.

Also, out of the many kids we've had in our home, we wouldn't have adopted most of them. Not to be unkind, unloving, mean or heartless--- we lovingly care for them, but the unconditional deep love that I feel for my "permanent" children doesn't come.

Case in point: We've had S for 15 months. Honestly, I can hardly wait for him to move on. He's SO difficult, always forcing me to try to come up with new ways to deal with his shananigans and all of us are emotionally exhausted. DCS wishes we'd adopt (because it would convenient for them) because "he's doing so well" and "is in a stable family". This has been one area we've been resolute about. We will continue to keep him until a permanent home solution is found, but we are NOT the permanent solution.
Stephanie (wife to my soul-mate for 19 yrs)
Mom to

B(19) M(17) E(14)
A(10) B(2)

Current Placements:


Loved and cared for 30+ foster children since 2006.

Last edited by StephanieMB : 03-24-2012 at 05:17 PM.
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Old 03-24-2012, 05:14 PM
jmd5294 jmd5294 is offline
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We were foster only.
We instantly fell in love with our daughter, who came to us at 4 months old. We knew right away, that if she didn't go home, we'd adopt.

With our son, it was very different, even though he also came to us as a young infant (3 months old). He was a very difficult baby, and it took me a good 9 months to really form that same bond with him. We started out telling the caseworker that we really weren't sure if we'd end up adopting.

Personally, I belive it's hard to fall in love immediately with a 2 1/2 year old. Haha. Did I say that out loud? How long have you had him?
Mama to
AD, 5 1/2 y.o.
AS, 5 y.o.
STBAS, 3 1/2 y.o.
FS, 2 months
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Old 03-24-2012, 06:44 PM
ScrapMonkey ScrapMonkey is offline
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We had a boy from age 2 to 4 that I didn't bond with very well. He had annoying behaviors and he was RIGHT in between my boys ages making them worst enemies and best friends 20-bazillion times a day. He went to relatives but we were worried for a while that it might not work out because they refused to comply with our states requirements, yada yada yada. I finally told his CW that if they had to pull him back to our state, we would step up and be an adoptive resource. I could not see this little guy lingering in care or going to yet another caregiver. So, we would have stepped up for him. Luckilly, the FAMILY did the right thing and complied and absolutely love him as a son. Phew!!
I'm tired.

AS 8
AS 5
AD 2
FD 10 mos
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Old 03-25-2012, 08:12 PM
swd swd is offline
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Stephanie, so what do you do if they just simply "can't" find a suitable permanent situation? Then he's with you in foster care until he ages out? So it's still basically a permanent situation for you except that there's not legal/final adoption at the end. I'm asking b/c here they are not interested in finding another foster home for our little guy that can take his sister, too. They say, "Well, they're both safe, that's all that matters." No, that's NOT all that matters. It may be first priority, but it's not the only one. I can't fathom letting it drag on just b/c he's doing well here and having him lose the experience of growing up with his sister just b/c he's safe now. So when/how do you push back?

jmd, yeah, I guess I'm asking a lot of myself to fall in love with a two-year-old. Babies are a 50/50 proposition for me. On the one hand, who wouldn't love a baby? And then there's the "s/he is still just a baby -- we can't know them yet." But a two year old has a personality (sometimes a BIG one) already and it's different.

He's been here less than 2 weeks, but I guess no one is counting on mom getting her act together. It's one of those stories that's been told so many times on this board that I guess they're expecting a failed outcome on her part. I hope they're not only wrong, but that she cleans up faster than the plan asks her to. Pipe dream, I know, but I really want what's best for this kid.

I guess we'll get more clear on our feelings once he's been here awhile. Maybe if I fall in love with him, he'll get yanked back to his family right after that! I'd love to have that heartbreak for my first placement (as long as he'd really be safe and loved there, of course).

ScrapMonkey, it's good to know that it's normal not to fall in love with every placement, but that you can "do the job" well anyway if need be. I'm glad it worked out better for him to be with family, but it's great that he had a good family as the backup plan.
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Old 03-26-2012, 07:53 AM
BethanyB BethanyB is offline
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It hasn't even been two weeks?! That's nothing!
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Old 03-27-2012, 12:27 PM
swd swd is offline
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I know, but it seems like an eternity from the standpoint of a little one away from their family and home. So I guess I'm in kind of a rush to get him back there if it's safe enough, and meanwhile I have this lawyer talking about keeping him here for a year til they find an adoptive home to take them both.
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Old 05-19-2012, 09:15 PM
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KaysKidz KaysKidz is offline
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We never intended on adopting. We were 'just' a foster family. Our twins came to us at 8mo. Just before they turned 2, they went home. BROKE OUR HEARTS. I still remember the pain of the night before, sitting on my bed folding their little socks and just sobbing. It was horrible. Worst feeling in the world. Less than 2 weeks later, they came back to us. We still weren't thinking adoption at that point. But having them back with us just felt right. 5mo later, we got their 1/2 sister (same biofather)...she was 4.5mo. A couple months later, boys biomom, asked us if we'd adopt them if she relinquished her rights. I told my dh that if we were going to adopt the boys, we'd be adopting sis too. There are other siblings, and they can't all be together. But the least we could do was keep these 3 together and maintain contact with as many as we could. There are 10 all together that we know of, we have contact with 3 out of the other 7.

We finalized one year ago today. The twins turn 5 at the end of the month, and sis will be 3 in Aug. I wouldn't trade them for anything!

Last edited by KaysKidz : 05-19-2012 at 09:20 PM.
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Old 10-06-2012, 08:09 PM
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tjk022897 tjk022897 is online now
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We had two children placed with us. They are 9 and 10. Everyone knew they were ready for adoption, except for us. We have been a foster only home since we started fostering over 5 years ao. Honestly, it just never was an issue. All the kids we had until this point either RU'd or were already lined up to move out of state to an adoptive home. This has been very hard for us cause these kids from the 2nd week they were with us kept talking about us adopting them and truly wanted us to. Months went on and no one would talk to the kids, not the SW or the counselors about it. I kept asking how we should handle it when they talked about it. I never encouraged or discouraged them when they talked about adoption. They were told not to long ago that our home was the type of foster home that helps kids find adoptive homes. I wish this had been told to them in the very beginning. They are good kids and we are doing everything we can to help them get caught up in school. They are very delayed in reading and actually most subjects. Our son is almost 16 and at this point to commit to another 10 years of raising kids, it is just overwhelming. Not everyone is meant to be an adoptive home. So what happens if no one shows interest in them? They are older children. This has been really bothering me lately. We don't want them going from one foster home to another, but we really were never in a position to adopt.
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