[BethanyB]

Can I ask an honest question? Just because I'm curious. What do you think will be confusing or harmful to her by seeing him? If she sees him from the get go, it will be natural and LESS confusing than if you were to sit her down one day, after she has bonded with you and been a stranger to this boy and tell her she has to see him now.

I just want to know how you think this will confuse her or upset her. They are both young children, am I correct?

[WVMOMof2]

Thank you Bethy724. You ARE in a similar situation. My daughter's half-bio-sibling is placed his paternal grandparent who still have contact with their son and my daughter's bio-mom. The "story" of my daughter's first 2 month's of life was abuse, neglect, drugs, and violence.
I posted on the adult adopted forum and I'm getting their perspective. This is not about me.... it's about what is in the best interest of my child.
If you are raising your children with regular visits with bio-sibs.... great that's your child and your choice.
I have the other APs email and photos of the baby and will tell my daughter her story and it will be her decision when she wants to meet them.
The harm now is trust issues with the other family because of their contact with bio-mom... and a vast socio-economic difference. Later the harm to my daughter could be confusion, damage to her self-image, self-fulfilling prophecy and... at worst... child abduction. In a perfect world she would be raised with her siblings by a loving bio-mom. That's not the plan. As her adoptive parent I have the responsibility to choose the lesser of 2 evils and that sucks... but, it is my duty as a loving parent to weigh all of the factors and do what I feel is in the best interest of my child.
I don't have a crystal ball and cannot predict the future. I am finding some answers from my daughter's perspective on the adult adoptee forum.

[bethy724]

I'm glad to share my story-it is heart wrenching to know my son has 1/2 sibs out there (how many, I honestly don't know)
My son knows he is adopted, he grew in his bio moms tummy, he has 1/2 sibs, he has a bio dad that loves him ect... nothing will be confusing as he grows, these are facts about his beginings. I am lucky enough to have pictures of his bio parents & 1/2 sib - we look at them together as well as his "1st year of life" calendar every b-day or when ever he asks (not often) there is no secrecy, shame, or confusion as to where he came from, but as a parent I have to decide how much I am willing to risk to keep an active 1/2 sib bond & I'm not willing to risk my son & home. When he asked about his bio dad (one time after we saw Lion King) I showed him his picture & told him we could find him when he's older.
One thing I learned as an adoptive parent - I think like a 40+ year old, my son thinks like a 4 year old & therefore should get answers a 4 year old can understand. 2 babies playing in an unsafe situation does not create a sib bond/CPS placing sibs together creates a sib bond. I am sorry CPS & the courts are attempting to dictate how you raise your fd after adoption-it's back peddling on a situation they created.

[BethanyB]

If the Grandmothers home is unsafe, why does she have the sibling?

[crick]

Personally I think there is a lot of things in this that just don't make sense.

To me it's pretty simple, really. Right now you are not finalized so you have to roll with their punches of visits. But after finalization you can do what you want. I don't believe that they are going to enforce a contract of life long visits, because that's just not the way things typically work in a foster to adopt situation. Can it? Yes, but typically? No.

So I'm really wondering if all this isn't just a bit filled of drama and mistruths.

[momraine]

If it's the grandmother's home that is the issue, then why not meet at a park or a restaraunt or mall or someplace for the visits?

[WVMOMof2]

Crick...
Everything is documented in reports, hearing transcriptions, MDT meetings, etc. I turned to this board for support and you are rude, insulting and wrong.
I am finding the answers I need reading on the adult adoptee forum and will unsubscribe from this thread. Some of you have been very helpful. If these children had lived together and had a sibling bond... I would do anything to make sure it was preserved and maintained for the sake of the children. You have to take it on a case by case basis and walk a mile in my shoes. My daughter was placed with us before the new baby was ever conceived. They share a bio-mom and her rights to my daughter were terminated a month before the baby boy was born. The bond she has with my son is a real and true sibling bond.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I just don't think this response is warranted towards Crick. If anyone would understand kids from foster care not having contact with biological half-siblings, she would, as that's the situation she has with her kids.

You got a variety of responses from a lot of people, many with the same opinions as Crick on your situation. You said many things that were VERY open to debate and made some blanket assumptions about things for which there is some pretty strong disagreement. A lot of people gave you their perspective.

If you want to accept those with the same view as THE TRUTH, that's fine, it's your right. But don't start flinging nastiness as those who didn't agree. Sometimes the best support we can get is seeing other sides of an issue or hearing from others what kind of vibe you are putting out.

Every 2 weeks until age 18 sounds ridiculous- I don't think anyone here would want that, which I think is what Crick is questioning- because what system in their right mind would mandate every 2 weeks for 18 yrs? That's crazy.

But as for the principle of whether it should be at all and when it should start, and the reasons you gave for "why"- those illicited strong responses and you used strong words, and got some back.

I don't see where healthy debate is rudeness and as for "wrong" - well, again you can accept the agreement of those who think the same as you, but I know the best growth that I personally had here, was listening to those who didn't.

[crick]

Thanks Heidi for seeing what I meant.

Things just don't make sense and knowing the foster care system the way I do, if it doesn't make sense, then someone isn't getting the whole picture. There is far more involved here imo, then what the OP is getting or what the actual background is.

But I digress...without the little package of "tell you only what you want to hear" wrapped up in a little bow, apparently it's rude & insulting.

WVMom...think what you wish. But I do caution you on your name calling. I don't pull the admin card often but don't push it.

[sunshinemomma]

I certainly hope that you have your ears open on the adult board because it certainly doesn't seem like you have here.
You have had 68 responses on this board and I think you have only "liked" about 5 of them. many of us have been reading the adult boards as well. With open ears.

Crick deserves an apology and your daughter deserves to know her 1/2 sibling.

[WVMOMof2]

I am finding the answers I need now that I posted on the correct board. I do have my ears open there and have learned a lot. They don't all agree with me, but have made me look at things in a kind supportive way.
This situation I am in IS unbelievable. That is why I am here looking for answers and support.
To me "drama and mistruths" means I was exaggerating and lying and that was hurtful and offensive. I'm not asking for an apology because Crick does not have all of the facts in writing and has not walk a mile in our shoes and cannot know what is in the best interest of my child.
My daughter will know her sibling ... when it is her choice... we will be open and always give her honest age appropriate answers. Some people believe adoption begins a new family. Others believe the old and new can co-exist. What works for your family may not work for mine. Each case has different factors and nuances to be taken into consideration.
Thanks to those who did not judge and who really tried to help.
Unsubscribed from this thread.

[BethanyB]

I think what people forget in the world of adoption is the actual child. I hear that phrase about what is right for each family - meaning the parents in that family. Many times the child is forgotten. In my mind, it should be her choice to STOP seeing the siblings, not her choice to START seeing the sibling. I think everyone here knows that you do not want her to have a relationship with any members of her bio family. Not the grandmother nor the innocent baby brother. I have a feeling that by the time your daughter is able to make "her choice" your feelings of resentment of them will already have made her decision for her. She will likely do what you want her to do. So I'm sure this situation will work out just fine in the end for YOU. Your child? I'm not so sure.

When I give advice, I try to always think about the child and what is beneficial to them. So when you ask an opinion on something, and you don't hear what you want to hear, it has nothing to do with anyone being mean or not understanding you. Many people here have walked a mile in your shoes with our kids from foster care. I really do wish your daughter the best and I hope that the state is able to order you to some contact for the kids sake.

[DannieAS]

Originally Posted by WVMOMof2

I am finding the answers I need now that I posted on the correct board. I do have my ears open there and have learned a lot. They don't all agree with me, but have made me look at things in a kind supportive way.
This situation I am in IS unbelievable. That is why I am here looking for answers and support.
To me "drama and mistruths" means I was exaggerating and lying and that was hurtful and offensive. I'm not asking for an apology because Crick does not have all of the facts in writing and has not walk a mile in our shoes and cannot know what is in the best interest of my child.
My daughter will know her sibling ... when it is her choice... we will be open and always give her honest age appropriate answers. Some people believe adoption begins a new family. Others believe the old and new can co-exist. What works for your family may not work for mine. Each case has different factors and nuances to be taken into consideration.
Thanks to those who did not judge and who really tried to help.
Unsubscribed from this thread.

There are times where I don't agree, or haven't really researched the different aspects and intricate web of adoption so think that other's people opinion may be off, HOWEVER, this is NOT an I am right you are wrong board. I've learned a lot here and have changed in some ways of thinking (for the better), and I hope to continue to learn.
For future reference, if you see this response....just say "thanks for your view" and leave it at that if you are that adamant that you're not going to change your mind.

[thanksgivingmom]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

I think what people forget in the world of adoption is the actual child. I hear that phrase about what is right for each family - meaning the parents in that family. Many times the child is forgotten. In my mind, it should be her choice to STOP seeing the siblings, not her choice to START seeing the sibling. I think everyone here knows that you do not want her to have a relationship with any members of her bio family. Not the grandmother nor the innocent baby brother. I have a feeling that by the time your daughter is able to make "her choice" your feelings of resentment of them will already have made her decision for her. She will likely do what you want her to do. So I'm sure this situation will work out just fine in the end for YOU. Your child? I'm not so sure.

BethanyB - Just delurking to thank you for summing this up so succinctly!

This is something I feel in many situations (not just this one) and I thank you for putting clear words to it!

[BethanyB]

BethanyB - Just delurking to thank you for summing this up so succinctly!

This is something I feel in many situations (not just this one) and I thank you for putting clear words to it!

Thanks! It is something I have noticed too over the years.