[momraine]

My ten year old was reading a little bit of this over my shoulder. She knows she has two siblings in Russia. She says she would love to meet them. She is hoping she can one day. It's one of her fondest dreams to meet them. Not to have the same relationship with them as she has with her brothers that she lives with. (her adoptive brothers) but just to meet them and maybe get to know them a little. What she does not really know or understand yet, is that they do not know she exists. The family was told she was stillborn.
I can see that the OP wants what's best for her child. However, I think one day her child may have a different opinion on that. I am not saying the sibs need to be part of the child's every day life, but letting her meet them occasionally and know who they are would be a good thing. Far more disturbing to me is the idea of not telling the child that they are adopted until they are older. Every single person I know who found out they were adopted when they were older was devestated by finding out this information and feels betrayed.

[mommy2fiveplus]

"You can not miss someone you do not know"-MVmomof2

I found this part of your post particularly incorrect. My mother was adopted at birth. She grew up knowing she was adopted and loves her parents for that, it was never a shock or some secret or anything to be ashamed of. She missed knowing where she came from. When she searched for her adoptive family as an adult she found she has a half-sister. She dearly misses not be able to know that women as her sister. She is the youngest child and was raised with her adoptive brothers whom she loves dearly, but she definetley misses that sister who she did not know.

I myself miss several people that I do not know. I know they exist and I am saddened that I can not know them as my cousins, they were taken from our family before I was born. They are the only link I have to my uncle and I miss the chance to know them, despite the fact that we have never met.

[WVMOMof2]

So, am I right in saying I don't think they should never meet.... just not now. They are 7 months and 21 months. Shouldn't we wait a couples years and let our family have their autonomy and keep her secure and then get them together when they are verbal and can actually do playdates and we can start explaining the adoption and the sibling visits simulaneously to her in small age appropriate blocks. Would that be an amicable solution?

[CaddoRose]

To give you some perspective: we are in a semi-open adoption where we have 4 visits a year with BioMom and send regular pics and updates. All visits are in a neutral location. We have only had DD 7 months now and have had two visits so far.

Openness in adoption is a long, long road in developing a positive relationship for a lifetime for everyone involved.

If you start now by doing a visit, you are taking the first step toward establishing a long term relationship with another family. Where that relationship goes is unknown. It's a long, long road. A lifetime even.

No harm is done by making a visit and getting to know the other family. By starting out when the children are young, there isn't a need to explain in words what the relationship is. There is also not a need to have a visit every week. They are people you visit several times a year. As the kids get older, you could increase the visits as you see fit.

You can also set up an exchange of pics and updates through a PO Box, email, etc. If you put pics of the other family in your house, the people in those pics become familiar faces to your DD, so when you do a visit, she remembers them each time. (We do this with pics of relatives of ours who live in other states that we only see once a year at family reunion.)

[BethanyB]

I agree with CaddoRose. If you wait, I'm sure you will never start. It's best to start now and just have the kids know each other from the beginning. It's not something to have to do all of the time. It should be like other family members who live farther away. But at least they will always have known each other and you will get used to doing it.

I have to say that I'm sorry that my kids sister's bio mom has lagged on her side of contact. Not only was it nice to have my kids bio sister in their lives but it was nice for me to be able to speak to another aparent IRL who has a child close in age to mine. We would talk about the questions our kids had about their bio family (that they share) and what we planned on telling them and at what age. I LOVED that aspect too.

Adoption or sibling relationships should not be something they are sat down one day to be told, it should just "be" from the beginning. And again, it does not have to be some constant thing but an occasional thing. It sounds like you feel that if your child is around her bio sibling that she won't feel like "yours." Is that what you are feeling?

[LeighM]

IMHO -You should not wait. If you do I think you will have a lot more questions because the child will feel like you hid it from her. If they meet now and have play dates then they become friends. They get to know the other family. In a very relaxed setting with no stress. As they get older they will start connecting the dotts but that is ok. They know X is part of this family and I am part of this family we just came from the same tummy.

That is how we have done it with our kids. It works for us. The kids are now 6,7,8,11 and 13. Yes the older kids have always known the truth. The 11 year old did not interact with the younger ones at the baby or toddler stage but now he is right their with them having a good time.

[WVMOMof2]

I posted on the wrong board because I am receiving private messages from adults who were either forced to do visits or had no contact until later in life.
The adults who were forced to do visits felt fake and phony or felt nothing. The ones who had contact later felt the joy.
Her adoption should be a joyous experience and she should continue to have security and stability. We have met the other family, we exchanged contact information and photos of the kids. There is no harm in talking about her adoption and siblings simultaneously in small age-appropriate blocks. Begin now showing photos and when she asks if she can meet him and I say "yes" that will buil our bond and trust. Making a scrapbook and telling her
her adoption story. That's my job.
Three months ago I asked if I could get her ears pierced and they told me "yes, you are her mother" and I thought I should leave it up to her to decide. When SHE asks, I'll say "yes" and she will FEEL the joy and I would've been her decision. Having it thrust upon her at too early of an age could be traumatic for her.
I don't see how they are part of her story if her life with us began before the new baby was ever conceived, but if he is... let her mommy read the story an answer the questions and let it be HER decision if she wants to begin new chapters with them in her life or she wants to write that part later or if she wants to close
that chapter all together. I'd say it's her story and starting visits at 7 months and 21 months is pointless. Who knows? I could be going through his photos with her when she is 5 or 6 and she asks if she could meet him and we do it and they grow up knowing each other. But, there is a huge difference between that and being court ordered to have sibling visits for the rest of your life.
I am a wonderful mother and I always do what is in the best interest of my children. They knew
that when they placed them apart.... they knew that when they went to court to do the separation of siblings. They had to prove to a judge twice that she was so bounded to me and my husband and my son that it would be too damaging to move her anywhere else. But, they are going to tell me how to raise her for the rest of her life.
If there is proof in both directions.... studies showing it's harmful, studies showing it's beneficial, studies
showing it could go either way.... isn't it ultimately up us to decide?
If a mother who loved her child and knew that child deserved a happy, stable, nurturing life gave her baby up for adoption, that chapter would close and a new, beautiful story would begin. That child would grow up and have the chance to go on a registry when they were mature enough to deal with it.
But, a baby who had to be taken out of her home at 2 months and a loving, stable, nurturing family longs to adopt her and give her a permanent stable
home is told almost 2 years later that security and stableness has to be disrupted and she has to be thrown back into a world she is not emotionally or mentally prepared to handle. That child who was a victim of abuse
and neglect was removed from that and deserves to know her story in small age-appropriate blocks. I still don't understand why, if she has his beautiful life, she has to be forced to visit. DNA does not make a magical bond that connects them. Geneology is not a bond. We are her family now. She is living a loving, nurturing, safe, stable,
amazing life and they want to confuse her and damage her self-image and emotional development. Who doesn't want to protect their child from harm?
I was referred to a forum of adults who are adopted. They can help me make my decision.... they will
have experience from the child's point of view. Never mind how I feel, how do the children who have experienced it feel?
I find it interesting that those adults send private messages because they "don't want to be attacked
by an angry on-line mob who doesn't know". Wow.

[BethanyB]

Oh brother. It sounds like you are fearful of any type of contact with bio siblings unless they are in your own home. What are you so afraid of? Are you afraid that she won't feel like she's yours if she is seeing a "sibling" that does not also belong to you?

Please tell me how she will be tramatized by seeing another baby since the beginning?

As far as being afraid to post something? Come on. People rarely agree with me and that does not stop me. Sure, I've gotten mad a few times but then I figure, what does it matter what other people think? I'm not going to stop saying what I believe.

[sunshinemomma]

Once again it sounds like you are very afraid of something. Sounds like insecurity in being an adoptive Mother and that you have to continually claim ownership.

INMO you are only choosing to "hear" what echoes in your own mind. Did you not read any of the three pages of posts that VERY EXPERIENCE BTDT people took the time to write so that you could get some perspective.


Quote
I still don't understand why, if she has his beautiful life, she has to be forced to visit. DNA does not make a magical bond that connects them. Geneology is not a bond. We are her family now. She is living a loving, nurturing, safe, stable,
amazing life and they want to confuse her and damage her self-image and emotional development. Who doesn't want to protect their child from harm?


I do not understand how you could possibly think that Geneology isn't a bond? Her birth family is ALSO her family Now and Forever.DNA IS a magical bond. Why can't you make space for them in her life?

Who wants to confuse her and damage her self image and emotional development. Visits with a 7 month old baby 1/2 brother are going to do so much damage?? What a scary world.

You are a foster parent at this point who is hoping to have the joy and love brought by adopting and parenting this wonderful, beautiful young girl. And yet, they are thinking about court ordering visits with her BIO brother and you are all up in arms about it. Why on earth would they have to court order it? Why wouldn't this selfless act of love toward this beautiful child be OFFERED by you?

Why do you continually need to claim that there is no connection between her and her 1/2 brother? How is she going to feel safe and secure about her Truth when you are already denying her bio ties so vehemently? How is she going to feel like she is safe to ask you about seeing her bio family when you already have such strong convictions about how it is going to traumatize, damage her emotional development? Nevermind create some self fulfilling prophecy onto her. How is that feeling safe and secure? How is that nurturing ALL of her?

Where is your acceptance of her reality? Where is your acceptance of ALL of her? Where is your compassion?
This sounds like selfish ownership and possessiveness.

I am sorry but this sounds like the dark ages and it just makes me really sad for the little girl you hope to be a Mother to.

[sunshinemomma]

I am going to try and be more compassionate for you as well. I am going to try and see that you may be coming from a real place of fear. Maybe fear of the unknwon, fear of loss. Feer of something. Maybe some counselling around adoption issues that you may be having would be helpful to you. I hope that given time you may soften you heart toward the other part of her family.


I admit I seem to be reacting quite strongly to this post for some reason!! Probably because I really strongly believe that “Openness of Some Degre is the BirthRight of Every Child who has been Adopted”. I am probably also reacting strongly because I work so darn hard at making sure that my daughter gets to grow up having the best relationships she can with all of her extended families. Some of these relationships have not been easy. There has had to be very strong boundaries set where I didn’t think we would need any and very relaxed and easy boundaries where I thought that it would be the hardest. There has had to be chances taken, conversations had. Stretching our thinking. Openning our heart. Putting ourselves out there a lot more than we ever thought that we would. Threre has been emotional hard work for all of us in the family.

I have struggled to overcome and dig down deep into my feelings to see where my feelings are coming from. Are they coming from a place of love for my child or a place of some need of mine. There have been times when I have had feelings of wanting to close my eyes and wish that all the challenges would just go away and just let me parent my daughter.

But I work so hard at it because I feel that this is the single greatest gift that I can give my daughter. The chance to grow up knowing who she is and allowing her to grow up having her true Sense of Self in All of who she is. Connected to all of who she is. Not just the part that comes from me and my husband and son. So she can grow up feeling connected to all of the parts of her. The greatest gift of love is my true acceptance of who she really is. What better way to support her emotional development and sense of self? Part of my nurturing her is nurturing the love for her birth family and letting it reflect back on to her and show as love for herself.


She has had a loss. She has had many losses. If this can be something that comes from a place of love ,generousity and most importantly real acceptance towards your true child and all of her connections, no matter how slim and fragile they are. They are her connections. Hers to keep. Hers that nobody can take away. Not even a loving family can take them a way. Not a judge or a Social worker. Not you. Don’t throw them away, don’t shove them in a closet to be brought out into the daylight one day.

But you can be the person that allows her to cherish her connections. Helping her to nurture them. You can be the person who can help her grow up learning from you and your love of her how to handle those relationships even when they are hard.. Hold her hand as she learns how to navigate those waters. Support her through her feelings, both happy and disappointmenting. Help her grow and learn through them.Or are you going to throw her in the deep end when she is old enough?


I did some more reading of my own on the adult adoptees board. You should maybe read the 3 pages of posts under the section http://forums.adoption.com/how-i-fou...ies-discovery/ and go to the thread What should I tell my son and when? . There are many, many other stories they and the overwhelming majority say to tell early and often. I hope that you take the time to really read those stories from adoptees with an open mind and an open heart. All the best and I really hope that you find some peace with regards to your prospective daughter’s birthfamily and her connection to them. I think that you will find as she grows older that she will love you more for giving her that gift and the love between you and her can only be deepened and not threatened with her birthfamily connections.

[KarynB]

Originally Posted by WVMOMof2

I find it interesting that those adults send private messages because they "don't want to be attacked
by an angry on-line mob who doesn't know". Wow.

I have to admit - this is a HUGE pet-peeve of mine. Coming on a public forum, asking an opinion, then when you don't like what you hear just claim everyone is supporting your ideas through PM. Well, if people were so confident in their opinions or thoughts, they wouldn't be PM'ing, they would just come out and say it! Hey, if I heard a litany of adult adoptees who wished they hadn't had contact with bio family I would certainly listen to that - they are truely the ones who have BTDT.

What makes me a bit sad here I think is that you seem to be squandering, or even resenting, what so many of us wish every day we could give our kids. We wish it not for ourselves but for them...some connection to the life they had before we came along.

I struggled a long time ago with feelings of "possesion" when my DD's father and I divorced - it was hard to see her go there and have fun all the time when I got all the "work" etc - but then I came to a realization - I want DD to have as many people in her life that love her as there possibly can be. I can't be all things to her - not even possible - and the more love she has the better. It doesn't all need to come from me.

You seem to be lumping bio brother in with mistakes bio mom may have made - talking about abuse, neglect, etc. What does that have to do with him?

I've rarely seen much "attacking" done here on these boards, and if it does move in that direction it gets shut down pretty quick. Sure - there are emotional responses - this is an emotional topic that is close to all of our hearts (adoption in general I mean). There have been a few times I've posted and at first felt unfairly "criticized" but after stepping back a bit, depersonalizing, and actually listening, I almost always found that there was quite a bit of truth in those responses.

The truth isn't always easy to hear. Usually, what I resist the most (which is what you appear to be doing here) is the closest to the truth. My DH always tell our kids "The right thing and the hard thing are usually the same thing". I think that applies to this situation entirely!

Sunshinemomma and BethanyB - I think you both have had a lot of wise things to say here!

[BethanyB]

Thanks Karyn. I also wanted to mention the fact that when we adopt children, that does not erase their past. They are not our little robots to de-program.

I was actually watching 20/20 the other night about a little girl who was almost killed by her birth father. Her mother, two sisters, grandmother and two young aunts were murdered by him and she was the only one who survived. She was only three years old. Talk about having a rough past.

Well she was adopted through foster care. They changed her name and totally tried to erase everything she went through. She was not allowed to see pictures of her family. She was not allowed to talk about them. In fact when she tried to bring it up her amom told her that that was the old her. And that Theresa (her old name) had her fathers evil blood running through them. Then the girl said, "It was like they tried to erase everything I was and make me into something else. The old person, Theresa was bad and the new person (forget the name?) was good.

Needless to say she left her aparents home and never came back. Kids who come from foster care have parents who have issues. If you don't like that, you should have went through Domestic adoption. But our kids bio moms issues don't mean our kids will be that way if they have contact with them or siblings. You can't erase the fact that that child is your child's sibling. I know MANY families who would LOVE to have that connection to their kids siblings.

You sound very scared of being an adoptive mom. Please think about this for your child's sake. She needs to feel unconditional love from you nomatter what. How will you feel one day if she seeks out her birth family? Will you be mad about that too? Will put the guilt trip on her that YOU are her family now?

Just some things to think about.

[WVMOMof2]

Got another PM saying the people on this board are "Open Adoption Zealots" and psychologists clearly say that children who are victims of abuse and neglect deserve a "new story". I didn't want to re-program her. I wanted to introduce the idea to her in age-appropriate blocks and let it be her choice.
If a child is with a loving, caring family and there is evidence to support both side of the issue... it should ultimately be the choice of the parent. That's all I was saying.

[BethanyB]

LOL, why don't you tell that person to step out of hiding and jump into the conversation. I have been in threads where I was the only person with a particular point of view on many boards.

But in the end, you are going to do what you want to do. I hope that the state is actually able to order visits for your child's sake. I just have one question for you. What are you going to do if your child tells you that HER choice would have been to see her little bro all along and that you came between them?

I think it's clear that you are very afraid of any contact because of that insecurity that many amoms feel at first. Better to deal with that now and just come out and talk about it than to hide it and let it stew in there.

I wish your child the best in life!

[kakuehl]

BTW, it's always possible to forward pms to moderators. PM's are only private if the recipient keeps them that way.