[famkethom]

Hello everyone,
My husband and I are starting our MAPP classes next week in FL. We have a 4 y/o biological son and would like to adopt a daughter through foster care. We are able to have more children but we both feel that there are so many children in need loving homes.

question #1 has anyone adopted children older than their bio kids, and if yes how did it effect your children? My mother thinks it would be unfair to our son to take away his place as the oldest in the family. I would like to adopt a girl between the ages of 0-4 but I know that the children that there are many more older children in the system.

Thanks,
Famke

[myForeverkids3]

That's a tough one. I have heard from some people that changing birth order was a bad decision for them. I have also heard from people who say it went very well. We got our 5 and 6 yr old when our DD was 12 months old so she really didn't know the difference. She did have a very rough time sleeping for about 2 weeks. She knew something had changed for sure. Now, 9 months later, she LOVES being the baby and the other 2 LOVE having a baby sister (They ask for more babies all the time!)
I don't know if it would be as easy with a 4 yr old. Only you know his personality and what is best for him. Hey, he is old enough to ask his opinion. He can't understand all the adult stuff, but he can give you his gut reaction. Maybe someone else here will have more experience with this topic?

[melodyka]

i haven't experienced it yet, but we are considering it as well. my daughter is 2 and we are hoping to match with a little boy that is one year older than her. i am planning to make a book for her if we get matched to help her understand the transition.

[JJemail1]

Us too. We have a 2 1/2 year old little girl and we are hoping to add on. In NJ, the chances of being placed with a child older than her a far greater than the chances of being placed with a child younger than her (or, at least, a young child with needs we are able to accomodate). However, that is probably OK in our situation as our daughter is extremely (raging tantrums) jealous of babies...not so much with "big kids"...so it may work out. (For our sake, we hope we're calling it right.) Nonetheless, we have much preparing yet to do.

[silliesallie]

I usually just read the forums and don't offer advice (since I haven't been there, done that), but I too have a 4 year old. We will be licensed any day now as a foster/adoptive home. We felt it important not to disrupt birth order mainly because our BS is a caretaker. He longs to be the BIG brother. He has older cousins that he really interacts well with, but LOVES babies. I agree that it is TOTALLY the personality of the bio child. If a child doesn't seem gentle enough or gets jealous around younger children, then an older child may be the fit. It's also according to how quickly you want things to move. Babies will be a longer wait. Go with your instincts. No advice is stronger than that. Good luck!

[benandkatieh]

i've been wondering the same thing, but our situation would be that we have a 2-y-o and are looking into adopting an older teen (17-ish). I'm tending to think the birth order thing would not be so much applicable since the adopted child would be sooo much older, more like an adult to our bio son than a sibling. to answer your question though, i personally wouldn't adopt, say a younger child who is older than ds (like anywhere between 2-11) because of the birth order thing... perhaps it's my sons personality, but he is definately an "oldest" and i think it would be a major disruption for him to not be anymore.

[LadyBugz]

Our experience was that social workers in our area were very opposed to adopting out of birth order for the biological child. That obviously created the potential for bumping birth order for the adopted children, but that wasn't an issue. They have it as one of their mantras and most were unyielding, no matter what we had to say. The few who listened to our family circumstances and were encouraging ended up having no say in the matter.

Oddly enough, they have no problem with placing foster children who are older and those children going on to be adopted (out of birth order). They did not equate the two circumstances.

[mamsie]

This is my first post and this topic is why I joined. I am looking for info regarding this very topic. I have a 4yo boy and a 2yo girl. I would like to adopt a sibling set but my husband is concerned how it may affect the children we already have if "birth order" is out of place. I was thinking maybe two or three children between 0 and 7 but my husband is thinking if we adopt it should just be one infant. I'm not trying to pressure him into anything (as he says he'd also "ideally" love to adopt a sibling set and would love to adopt children of varying ages) but I thought I'd address his concerns.

I am having a hard time finding information and/or stories of families who have adopted children who are out of "birth order" from the children who are already in their home.

[mamsie]

We have a bio 4yo boy and 1yo girl. We have not even started our classes or anything yet so we figure if we wait 6-12 more months to even sign up then bio girl will be around 18months -2yo by then.

But we are interested in adopting a sibling set which means possibly being open to adopting a younger 0-2 yo and an older 2-3 or 4 yo (and if things REALLY kick off possibly a 3rd older sibling if we think we can handle it).

I'm having a hard time finding stories, info, articles regarding children being out of birth order though.

[Bamamom07]

My 2 cents, for what its worth; in my classes nearly everyone was there to adopt a little girl. No one signed up looking to adopt a boy. The others had a specific situation already they were working on.
Also, I am adopting out of birth order. Well, actually its a case of "filling in the gap". My youngest is a 5 yr old boy, bio. He absolutely LOVES having big brothers and sisters, and now there are a couple close in age and he loves them tremendously. There was a little jealousy initially, and a lot of very close supervision for a while, but they have become very close and wouldn't trade each other for nothing in the world.
So, we are living proof it can work out happily and be the right thing. But, it is also extremely challenging. I am very fortunate with my family. One of my older sons (adoptive) was very wounded when he came, and had numerous rages. He was also extremely jealous of my youngest son, who had only been given love- not false love and rejection like he had. We had to watch him extremely closely to make sure our little one stayed safe. But he desperately wanted to heal, and the change in him has been almost miraculous. He has also become my 5 yr old's hero- he is a wonderful big brother, no longer jealous or raging, and watches over him very carefully. He also loves to play with him and teach him how to be a big boy. But like I said, he desperately wanted to heal. I'm not too sure that is typical. If he had stayed the same kid for years, or forever, I don't know what would have happened. It's hard work, and at times, scary and worrisome. Little ones you bring home often know so much hurt, that thats basically what they know- so they hurt others. Little children already in your home are easy targets of larger, stronger, more angry children. You can't forget that.