[stacie25]

My husband and I will be adopting our 19 mo old foster son this year. Our last name is Justice, his middle name is Justus....what are the chances, huh?

Anyway, I would like to change his middle name to Michael. My husband would like to change it to his bio mom's last name (her last name could be a first or middle name). I am not fond of this idea. Naming a child after someone is done to honor that person. Is she worth honoring? She is worth remembering, she gave birth to him, but not worth honoring. And I don't like her last name. My husband wants our son to not feel like we were trying to take something away from him. It's hard on a child grieving the loss of his bio family, and maybe giving him her last name as his middle name would help with that grief. My husband doesn't want it to seem like we were trying to forget her because our foster son will probably not see her again. She has been awol for a while. I guess he just wants to do it as a way to keep both families in our son's life. We don't have any pictures of his mom and no letters. She did give him a toy and we will give it to him when he is older and won't try to flush it, lol, but that is all we have of her.

The more I think about this, the more I come around to liking the idea. Maybe our son would appreciate that. Maybe he wouldn't...she is a druggie who ended up abandoning him.

Just wanted someone else's opinion. Thank you.

[TxMom65]

Before we adopted my daughter I had a lot of anger towards her birthmother. As time goes on, I see more into her life and her past. It is no excuse for abuse or neglect but I've seen that she is part of my daughter and my daughter part of her. I feel that I have to honor that, in some way.

I don't have an answer for the name choice. I think it is meant for him to have a new middle name though!

[committedsoul]

Ouch is all I can say right now... I know you may be happy that you are adopting your fs, but I sense a great deal of anger towards his mother... Is she worth honoring? Well, without her, despite all of her flaws, your would not have your fs...

Originally Posted by stacie25

Is she worth honoring? She is worth remembering, she gave birth to him, but not worth honoring.

...she is a druggie who ended up abandoning him.

Wow... maybe I'm being just a smidge oversensitive here, but what would your fs think if he one day read these words?

[hkolln]

You have to put aside the anger for what she did to your son. It will only hurt him more if you label her as a bad person. She gave you the most precious gift which is your son and she is part of him and he part of her. To talk badly about his biomom will hurt him. You can speak of people you don't believe made the right choices positively. Just remember when he grows up he may want to seek out this biomom or he may not. You have to be there to support him and be positive about it. You cannot erase who he is or where he came from by removing a name or trying to remove his past so please do it with an open mind.

We changed our daughters middle name to her original last name and then gave her our last name. Since her original last name was also a regular name it worked out and her middle name sounds like a normal middle name plus it gives her alittle part of who she is.

[stacie25]

I'm not angry at his bio mom. I neither like her nor dislike her. She has always been very friendly to me at visits, and I to her. When my husband first talked about this, my thought was "that is done to honor someone that is a great person. i wouldn't want to be named after someone who lives that kind of life and lost me." I know that she loves him, she did try to get him back for a while, and she is part of him. I told my husband I wouldn't have a problem with this if his parents died and he went into foster care or if his mom was young and decided to give him up for adoption, but she had him taken away from her. But addictions are hard to break and not breaking those doesn't mean she doesn't want him. I do have a coldness towards bio parents who lose their children due to abuse or addiction. God gives us children to take care.

Something I was told at our last training class has made me change my mind a bit.....we were talking about the grieving process children go through when adopted. I knew children went through this as I saw it in a friend's adopted children who are school age. Another foster parent said she was told her infant adopted son would grieve the loss when he was older. She thought that was silly since her son didn't know any different and never knew his bio family. She was wrong and he did grieve as he got older and really understood what had happened. I do know that children want to be with their parents no matter how bad their parents are. Our bio mom gave our son a toy truck and I figure it will be something he will treasure when he is older and maybe having her middle name is something he will treasure too. I have to look at this from his point of view, not mine.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by stacie25

I have to look at this from his point of view, not mine.

Exactly and I think that is what everyone is saying. Just because a child is abused doesn't mean that child loves their parent any less.

[DreamingAzure]

I agree with you, being named after a person is something you do to honor someone who is very special to YOU. If you are keeping your son's original first name, which I would assume that his biomom gave him, I don't see the need to use her last name as his middle name too.

[Stampfl]

My fd will be adopted next week they are getting my last name they also got to be acclamated to your family so i do think that they need your last name , I also felt bad after taking my classes but decided there is other ways to honor there birth parents and they are part of my family now and i want them to fit in here

[stevenstwin]

My FS was put in foster care 14 time before he was 14. He was abused and neglected for all those years and I absoluely hate the people responsible. But he loves them so much that he refused to be adopted and went right back to them as soon as he turned 18. I would never have been able to understand so much devotion to someone who hurt you so badly - but there it is.

Originally Posted by stacie25

I'm not angry at his bio mom. I neither like her nor dislike her. She has always been very friendly to me at visits, and I to her. When my husband first talked about this, my thought was "that is done to honor someone that is a great person. i wouldn't want to be named after someone who lives that kind of life and lost me." I know that she loves him, she did try to get him back for a while, and she is part of him. I told my husband I wouldn't have a problem with this if his parents died and he went into foster care or if his mom was young and decided to give him up for adoption, but she had him taken away from her. But addictions are hard to break and not breaking those doesn't mean she doesn't want him. I do have a coldness towards bio parents who lose their children due to abuse or addiction. God gives us children to take care.

Something I was told at our last training class has made me change my mind a bit.....we were talking about the grieving process children go through when adopted. I knew children went through this as I saw it in a friend's adopted children who are school age. Another foster parent said she was told her infant adopted son would grieve the loss when he was older. She thought that was silly since her son didn't know any different and never knew his bio family. She was wrong and he did grieve as he got older and really understood what had happened. I do know that children want to be with their parents no matter how bad their parents are. Our bio mom gave our son a toy truck and I figure it will be something he will treasure when he is older and maybe having her middle name is something he will treasure too. I have to look at this from his point of view, not mine.

[CaddoRose]

We are adopting our FD who was 18 months when she came to us. By the time she was 20 months, we had TPR and Permanent Managing Conservatorship and that led to doing a private adoption. We changed her first name and middle name and left her original first name as a third name. We left her original name in because we felt that as she gets older it may mean something to her to have that name as part of her legal name since her birthmom gave it to her. Her new first two names are family names that have significance to us.

[stacie25]

Originally Posted by Stampfl

My fd will be adopted next week they are getting my last name they also got to be acclamated to your family so i do think that they need your last name , I also felt bad after taking my classes but decided there is other ways to honor there birth parents and they are part of my family now and i want them to fit in here

I agree...I love the classes we take, but sometimes they make me feel bad. Our trainer was saying it is good to take a camera to the visits to get pictures of the bio parents and children together. I never even thought to do that. We haven't had a visit in 6 months and may never again. I can only claim ignorance on that. Sometimes I forget that our fs IS a foster son. And I never realized he will grieve the loss of his bio family. He's been with us since birth...he won't know any different but he will still have a loss. I wish I had known these things before we got him.

[millie58]

I have 4 boys and only one decided to change his whole name. My oldest kept his name (I made my last name his second middle name); my 2nd oldest, kept his birth last name as his middle name and my youngest kept his middle name. I'm glad my 2 youngest changed their first names as they were very low class names. the first name of my oldest is unusual but I've heard it. I got him at 11 and bio mom (who hadn't visited him in 2 years) asked that he keep his name and he went along.

[myForeverkids3]

what do you mean by low class names?
never heard of such a thing

[catsndogs]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

We are adopting our FD who was 18 months when she came to us. By the time she was 20 months, we had TPR and Permanent Managing Conservatorship and that led to doing a private adoption. We changed her first name and middle name and left her original first name as a third name. We left her original name in because we felt that as she gets older it may mean something to her to have that name as part of her legal name since her birthmom gave it to her. Her new first two names are family names that have significance to us.

Can you share with me how you adjusted her from her previous first name to her new name? I am interested in doing this and my foster daughter is almost 2 and they are in the process of termination of parental rights. I just don't know if she is too old plus I am receiving some reluctance/resistance from friends. Thanks for any advice/help!

[Stampfl]

We Shortened the girls fisrt name and changed the middle and the last name , they still got a little piece of there orginal name and they got our family names to

We started calling them there shortened name when we got them and now they are totally used to it , we just finalized our adoption last wendsday on twins 4 yrs old and there little sister 2 years old .