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Originally Posted By TRACEY BERNI

I am going to orientation this wednesday. Can you tell me how long it took you to go through the process? I already have a little girl on the line and want to know how long it takes. Please tell me everything you had to go through.

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Originally Posted By Laura

Your heart will be broken!!! My husband and I have a little girl who is 6 months she is beautiful strawberry blond blue eyes WE LOVE her more and more each day. Our story goes like this... 13 weeks in classes to become adoptive-foster parents with only the intention of adopting not FOSTER we waited 3 years for our placement, and were told that this placement was a done deal. We were told that the Birth-mother and father were put away for along time and they would be filing abandomnent papers within six months, and she would be ours forever. We agreed to the placement, they lied.
MOM is Out and the court has ordered visitation every week for one -two hours, supervised. She has to stay on program(clean and sober) and then she will get her back in March of 2002 unless she petetions the court for an earlier date. Our daughter will be very confused she will only know us as her parents, How can the courts play with a child? Don't they realize that this little girl will have a very hard time forging normal relationship bonds as an adult. How can we fight this? does anyone have any suggestions. Obviously this little girl didn't ask to born to an alchholic mother and a father with anger management issues. Don't misunderstand, I believe that our angel should stay in contact with her bio family and she should know that her mother loved her very much its just that she was not able to take care of her. I would love to have an open adoption and would welcome visitation for her sake... at least when she is old enough to tell us if something happens. Does anyone know how to fight the Court regarding termination of parental rights has anyone done this sucessfully ? ANy reponse would be of great help. Please email us at jimlaura@optonline.net

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Originally Posted By J.C.

For those of you that have adopted through fostering... did you go through regular fostering or
a program similar to legal risk toward goal of adoption?

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Originally Posted By symom2six

J.C. we did what they called foster/adopt, the kids had been in foster care for a year already and the agency knew they would not be going back to birthparents. We just had to wait for all the legal stuff to be done for termination. That was with first two (and baby brother born while going through this). It was a very emotional time - you never know for sure what will happen until termination. With the next two it was easier, they were birth sibs to the first three and we knew what to expect, birthparents just didn't want to do any of the things required to get them, they ended up releasing voluntarily so we could adopt them. We went into fostering to adopt, and made sure our agency understood this so they only placed ones with us that they were pretty sure would be able to be adopted. Of course there's always a risk but we were lucky, we wanted two and ended up being able to get 5 sibs, because birthparents kept having more even after losing the first ones. What a Blessing!!!

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Originally Posted By Gayle

I find that yelling is not effective at all. I yell at my son and it goes in one ear and out the other. It is actually much more effective if I scold him in a calm tone. He usually feels so bad afterward that he's crying. He never cries when I yell...he just figures I'm blowing off steam. ha ha.

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Originally Posted By Gaylinn

I can't imagine a state providing training for foster/adoptive care and and training you on how to deal with the behavior issues that come along with most foster children based on the trauma they have been through in their lives. Helpful hint: research information on reactive attachment disorder and its implications and strategies to help your child. This may or may not be appropriate to your situation. Rely on your support groups, your foster/adoptive associations in your area and every resource you can find. These people are your lifeline and rescue while you raise this precious boy. Even at 2 years old this baby has a history that has impacted his life forever. We have adopted two girls from the state. We did not go into the system with only adoption in mind....it just turned out to be the best end result for these two girls. We have a little boy at the moment who may or may not return home. We do whatever we can to make a difference in these children's lives while we have them. But we could never do any of it on our own with out our wonderful association, support groups and terrific staff at our CFC. Yea KY for being the best!!!!!!!

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Originally Posted By Renee

Hi I was just checking out the adoption sight when I stumbled onto your article. I can just picture the tantrums you described and believe me, a lot of that is normal 2 yearold behavior. However, some of that could be caused by abuse or neglect previous to his placement with you. Was he abused? The reason I ask, is because I have adopted nine children from the the dept. of human services. We have had all kinds of children in out home in the last ten years as foster children and each one had different ways of acting out because of their history. If I can help you at all, my email is karmlapple@yahoo.com Good luck.

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Originally Posted By For Lilia

You may feel like yell and that is what he whats to get you to do so just don't,When he is having a fit try very hard not to react and ignore the behavior.Contiue to do what you were doing as long as he is not in a dangers place if he is just pick him up and put him somewhere save or remove the danger, but don't enage him, But as soon as he has stop tell him that you love him.

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Originally Posted By Desere

Mary Elizabeth’s adoption no victory
October 10,2001

Nancy Smith
associate editor










F ew people - myself included - ever believed the day would come.

But on Tuesday, 20 months after the nightmare began, there it was - the most bittersweet of moments: During a terse 20-minute hearing, Martin County Circuit Judge Steve Levin granted Delton and Desere Clabo-Vandevender the final adoption of baby Mary Elizabeth.

More than a dozen family members and close friends wiped away tears and exchanged warm hugs. Dressed in a red-and-white dress with white tights and matching red ribbons in her hair, little Mary Elizabeth clapped her hands, jumped up and down and squealed excitedly.

"It always makes her happy when she sees us hugging and laughing," Delton said.

Still. Nobody in the courtroom was calling this Adoption Day a victory. It had come 20 months too late. And it was anything but.

Such waste. The thousands of dollars the family spent, the profitable business it had to give up, the heartache and the stress every family member suffered - and will for quite some time. The hundreds of thousands of dollars the case has cost us poor schmucks, the taxpayers of Florida. For what?

To arrive at the very place, in the same loving situation, that Mary Elizabeth occupied 20 months ago today.

I’m genuinely heartsick at the thought. None of it should have happened. But the Department of Children and Families not only wrongly intervened when Mary Elizabeth was born, its officials couldn’t own up later - to the point, I believe, where showing Desere up became more important than protecting the child.

Remember, even before Mary Elizabeth was born in February 2000, Desere was at her side, working to adopt her. The baby’s natural parents wanted it that way. Both of them were on probation; they realized they were unable to parent a child.

But Mary Elizabeth was born six weeks prematurely, before the adoption was complete. And without explanation, on that very day - even while Desere was assisting at the birth - the Department of Children and Families interceded and "claimed" the infant from Martin Memorial Medical Center.

Desere eventually was allowed to take the baby home. It was a very temporary placement, DCF caseworkers told her. It wasn’t foster care.

And they never paid her for the baby’s care, as they pay foster parents - she never asked, they never offered. Not one dime.

A month after Mary Elizabeth was born, Desere appealed to DCF Secretary Kathleen Kearney, saying the Department’s actions were wrong. Said Desere, "One of her assistants replied that the secretary trusts each district to do the right thing. And that was that."

The Department immediately cut Desere out of any placement plans for the baby. DCF officials decided that because Mary Elizabeth’s half-brother was earlier sent to the natural father’s parents in Connecticut, Mary Elizabeth belongs there, too.

Throughout much of 2000, Desere and her other two children lived in fear that DCF would barge into her home and remove Mary Elizabeth without notice.

Eventually, Desere Clabo said: Enough! She filed her own court motions, formed a support group on the Internet, ran for election to the state Senate. And I’d bet the farm that by January 2001 she knew more about DCF and the statutes that govern it than many of the department’s district administrators. She took only one break in the struggle - in June, when she and Delton married.

Desere was ferociously tenacious. She collected files, letters, motions, laws - put them all on the computer. She had everybody’s email address, even the governor’s - and used them regularly.

But right to the end, until as late as last week when a lawyer for Mary Elizabeth’s Connecticut grandparents filed a motion to intervene and block the adoption, she believed the Department of Children and Families would find a way to take the baby away.

The only reason it did not, I am convinced, is because of a charge of sexual abuse against the grandfather in Connecticut. Mary Elizabeth’s natural father claims he was sexually assaulted by his father when he was a boy. There are police reports to back it up. And, court records show, while the natural father did subject himself to a polygraph test, the grandfather would not.

Is Mary Elizabeth’s half-brother in danger because the Department sent him to Connecticut to live with a grandfather who hasn’t been "cleared" to take custody of a child?

And why, when the Department is so eager to remove children and place them in foster care, would it not question the placement of Mary Elizabeth’s step-brother?

Outside the courtroom Tuesday, Joe Quick, the family’s pro bono attorney said, "This adoption doesn’t erase the department’s misconduct. They’ve jerked all these people around for nearly two years and now they’re saying it’s OK? No, it’s not OK," he said. "We’re not finished with this. Not in a million years."



Contact Nancy Smith by telephone at (561) 221-4238, or by e-mail to Nancy.Smith@scripps.com. Her columns are archived on the News’ website, TCPalm.com.

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Originally Posted By Cathy

I have been a foster parent now for seven years. I went into fostering to make a difference in needy childerns lives. My intent was not to adopt. I have two biological childern ages 20 & 19. I have adopted two toddlers this past Aug. . They are siblings. The oldest came to my home when she was ten days old. She was said to be a traditional placement. As time passed it seemed that she may be autistic. When she started walkiing she would walk over or through objects instead of around them. With testing it was found that she has sensory intigration issues, she is a special needs child for sure. My agency knew that Mom was pregnant again and abusing drugs again so they asked if the new baby would have a home. Of course I said yes. This new baby was a boy and he to has sensory issues and is developmentally delayed. I adopted them because after getting them as infants there was no other choice. My family and I aare in love with them and they with us. They are quite a hand full and they need a lot of attention but they are my childern now and forever. It is the hardest thing in the world to have to give up childern that youve cared for and loved. Ive been there and done that also. I couldent legally adopt then and toddlers that i had in my care from infancy to eighteen months old left my care to be adopted. I still greeve years later but I can see them and they are in a wonderful home that i found for them. We see them aand talk to them often.This helps a lot. I hope that my story helps others to see the system isnt hopeless. There is much hope happiness and love there.

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Originally Posted By JoAnn

I have a 27 month old daughter with typical 2 yr old behavior, and that sounds like what you're going thru. What we found out, after many screaming fits, is that her communication was the key to her outbursts. She couldn't tell me that she wanted milk not juice, or that she was tired and wanted a nap. What she could do, though, was scream and cry. We worked on communication, by getting her to at least try to talk to us, to repeat us, and things got much better. That is just an example of things you could do. There are no set rules for how children react to thier environment. Basicly, slow down, talk, play, cuddle, and be stern but fair, and always remind them you love them in every way you know how. It might seem a little over his head right now, but he will remember hearing over and over how much you love him and want to be his mommy forever. Give yourself a break, you're human. with most parents you have a child from a few hours to a few weeks old and "grow into" behavior patterns, but with adoptions you are sometimes "dropped into a bucket" with behavior patterns already established leaving you to figure them out. Give yourself time, take a few deep breaths, and pray.

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Originally Posted By Barbara

I can really relate to what you are saying. I find it hard as well. All I can do is hear myself yelling. I had that as a kid and I swore to myself that I would never be that mother. I am asking guidance from God and I know he will show me a better way. Hang in there

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Originally Posted By Cheryl

I can understand how you feel. I adopted 3 siblings
10 years ago. They were severely delayed. The middle girl had severe behavior issues. My husband was in the army and always away. I thought no one would ever understand what I was going through. Today
I still have my three, lost the husband. The middle girl now is the sweetest, caring, most lovable child.
She tells me "Mom when you get old I'm going to take care of you". Boy was it worth it!!

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Originally Posted By josiejessing

i'm looking for gary lee allen if you konw of have any inf ps email at josiejessing@msn.com he my son is brithday is 12/31/82 thank you josiejssing

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Originally Posted By josiejessing

hello i'm looking for gary lee allen ,his brithday is 12/31/82 email at josiejessing@msn.com thank you josiejessing