[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

OK, we all know that eventually our adopted children are going to know the raw, icky, and sometimes painful truth behind their placment and eventual adoptions, but what do you tell them while they are still young? Do you have that story that makes them feel special and loved? The story of how they came to be YOUR child? I was having a problem trying to figure out what I was going to tell Bug and bear until they could really understand and comprehend even some of the simple truths. So, I wrote them a story. I even found a program that enabled me to put it into a hard bound book format, complete with their own photos. I just wanted to share my story. (I used their REAL names for the book, but have changed them all here)

How Bug and Bear found Mommy and Daddy
There are many fun things angel babies get to do when they are in heaven. One of the fun things God lets them do is help throw snowflakes, raindrops, and sunshine down to earth. He really needs his precious angel babies in the winter. There are so many raindrops and snowflakes that he needs all the help he can get. But then there is the most special job angel babies get to do; pick a mommy and daddy down on earth. This is a story about 2 very special angel babies. They were best friends and then did everything together. They were Bug and Bear.
Some angel babies will pick the first mommy and daddy they see. They tell God that they want to go to earth and be their baby. God then gives them the special earth wings and they float into the mommy’s tummy. This is when babies first know what love feels like. Bug and Bear were different. They wanted to make sure they could stay together on earth just like they were in heaven. Because of this they took their time and watched different mommy and daddies every day. There were so many mommy and daddies, how would they ever know which one would be best for them?
One day they were looking down from heaven and they saw a mommy and daddy with their 2 little girls. They were having such fun together. Because Bear and Bug were angel babies they could feel the love the mommy and daddy had for the two girls. Their eyes shined when they looked at their children. This love captured Bug and Bear's attention; they could not stop watching this family. Then something happened. The little girls went to stay with another mommy. The first mommy and the daddy were left with only each other.Although Bug and Bear could feel how much the mommy and daddy loved each other, there was now a big sadness in their eyes and hearts. They boys could not understand why God would make such a wonderful mommy and daddy so sad. It was then that Bear adn Bug decided they want that mommy and daddy for their own so that they would never be sad again.

Bug and Bear went to talk to God and tell them that they had made their decision and knew what mommy and daddy they wanted. God told them that he had many prayers from that mommy and daddy asking for a very special angel baby to fill their home with light and love. This excited Bug and Bear and made them want that mommy and daddy even more. God told them it would not be easy and it would take a very strong and special angel baby to make the journey. They must promise to have faith and trust that even if it did not seem like they would ever be home that God knew what he was doing and they needed only to believe.
Ever determined, the boys agreed and God sat with them to explain how their journey would begin. “You see boys,” God began, “every once in a while I have to make a very special mommy. This mommy is made with so much love in her heart that there is no room in her tummy for a baby to grow.” The boys started to question how this could be, and God reminded them that they needed to trust him. The boys talked and decided that Bug would go first because he had always looked out for Bear and he wanted to make sure they would be able to meet God’s challenge.

God told the boys that they would have several obstacles before they made it to their forever home. Their first test is that they would be born to different mommies on earth, but their love for each other would bring them together again as long as they believed. Neither of them would be born to the mommy they picked in heaven, for this reason they must be very strong. This was their second test. They had to be strong in the tummy of the mommies that they were sent to be born in. They knew that they would have to endure many bad things before they were born and they must not let these bad things hurt them. The final test would be to fill their chosen mommy and daddy’s hearts and lives with joy.


Armed with his faith in God, promise to be strong and trust that God knew what he was doing, Bug set off on his journey. God was right, there were many bad things, but then he felt the arms of love wrap around him. This was the mommy he and Bear had chosen. The love they felt when they watched the mommy and daddy when they were in heaven embraced Bug and he knew they had made the right decision. When Bug was 100% sure he was going to be able to stay with Mommy and Daddy, he sent a prayer up to heaven.
Babies on earth talk to the angels when they are sleeping and on this night when Bear came to give Bug his nightly blessing, Bug told him to hurry and talk to God. “Bear, tell him you are strong enough to make the journey and that he was right Mommy and Daddy have enough love in their hearts for many children. I love you Bear, and I will see you again very soon.”
Bear then got his earth wings and drifted down. He too was armed with the strength and promise of God. Bear had one other thing; he had Bug's love to guide him. Before long Bug and Bear were together again on earth. Bear agreed that they had made a very good decision and was happy that they had been so patient. This is how Bug and Bear came to live with Mommy, Daddy, sister-K, and sister-E. Together as a family they learned of a love that could never be measures, calculated, or broken for God had answered everyone’s prayers.


That is my story...they may grow up and thing it was silly, or crazy, but it came from my heart!

[nanab]

that is really special!god bless you and your familly.
nanab

[sassafras]

WEll my kids are already going through the icky stuff. They were adopted at 11, 10 and 7. They have memories etc.

[lisajm54]

Your story is wonderful but what do you do when the memories are all ready there? I adopted my daughter from foster care. She has been with me for 3 years in foster care and I was the only one considered for adoption. She came to me at 3 years of age with extensive sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. She then had to endure 3 years of visits with bmom. We talk about bmom not making very good choices as 'Mommy'. She wasn't able to protect her babies like mommies are supposed. She didn't provide for her babies like mommies are supposed to. etc. Beka is OK with these answers now but what about the future? I try to keep it all positive; not saying bmom was a bad person; she just didn't make good choices. Any suggestions?

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I wish I had the answers for you. I was fortunate that the boys are very young and I didn't have to deal with them being exposed to birth parents after 2 months old. I guess my thinking is that I centered it around the bond the boys already have and how they came to be together.Believe me, I could go on and on about birth parent issues. I was stunned to learn some of the truths in their pasts. We have decided to put their foster files into a safe deposit box so that nobody else can have access to them until the boys are ready. There is SO much in there that can be potentially devastating if someone were to be vindictive enough and get a hold of it.
Sorry, I don't have any answers except to concentrate on how much YOU love them.

[mallory4]

Lisajm, a good question, and what a hard one. I have been reading a book written by a pair of post-adoption therapists called "Telling the Truth to your Adopted or Foster Child" trying to prepare myself for having to talk to our little boy about these things in the future.

The book is very helpful to me because it deals specifically with cases where the info kids have (or will have once they start asking about their birth families) is really grim, which is a different situation than most adoptive parents face when talking with their kids about private adoption.

My fear as a foster/adopt parent is that my little boy will see the limitations of his birthparents as being his limits, too--that bparents' "poor choices" are something he could inherit along with brown eyes and dimples. And, of course, that they parented the way they did because of something wrong with him.

The authors stress being honest at all times, but not giving kids more info than they can really grasp at the age they are. So, for our son, we will start with "not able to take care of you" and hopefully by the time we get to "because he was incarcerated for crime x and z" he will be old enough to understand there are so many external factors shaping bdad's actions: poverty, lack of education, troubled home life, etc. and that those factors are not a part of his life, so the poor choices they led to don't have to be, either.

Also, I figured I would do my best to point out the ways family members are different from each other in all kinds of ways-- I don't have the same bad habits or weaknesses my parents had, and I don't have a lot of their good habits, either--I am my own person and he will be, too.

We personally are not comfortable with telling our child that the negative start he got in life was something he chose prior to birth or that god planned for him. That seems like it would be making him responsible for something that will be a painful fact of his life forever.
His being in foster care and therefore available for us to adopt was due to very specific human actions which he did not choose and which a deity worthy of worship would not inflict on a child.

[Navy_RP_Wife]

Our fd at almost 7 years old is way to smart for her own good sometimes. She is very aware without anyone telling her, exactly what bad choices mom made in taking care of her and her brother B. She has never asked why mom made these bad choices. But we tell her that none of this is her fault, that mom made the bad choices and there was simply nothing she could have done to prevent it. We also had to help her learn it is the parents responsibility to take care of the kids, not the other way around. B, however, does not know his mom to be any other way, and only just recently asked why they have to stay with us. The cognitive skills are not there at 4 years old to see his mom one way, other moms a different way and see something wrong with his mom. M has expressed fears that mom will not get better and they will not be able to go home.
As it appears this case is going to go to TPR this summer or so, we know that we will be faced with alot of issues that are not there now. We will adopt these kids if TPr happens. We have already said to their SW we are wanting to do 2 things with the kids if TPr happens. The first is to keep them in counseling as long as needed. for as long as it is our choice to have them in counseling, they will be there until a counselor releases them. Secondly, we want to attend family counseling. To help them deal with the thoughts and feelings that come with "losing a bmom and bdad" and gaining a "mom,dad and brother" as well as to help us deal with any associated behaviors and help us all adjust. And we are reading every book about adopting a foster child that we can find.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by mallory4

The authors stress being honest at all times, but not giving kids more info than they can really grasp at the age they are.
*********
We personally are not comfortable with telling our child that the negative start he got in life was something he chose prior to birth or that god planned for him. That seems like it would be making him responsible for something that will be a painful fact of his life forever.

I could not agree more. As lovely as your story is, Bug&BearsMommy, it is not reality. It is a fairy tale. They were not responsible for choosing you, nor were they responsible for the things that seperated them from their birthparents. There is a book similar to your story called "Amy Angel Goes Home." I was so concerned about the theology behind it that I discussed the book at length with a number of religious leaders of all stripes including a couple of Catholic priests, an ex- Calvinist seminarian, a couple of Baptist ministers, a rabbi, a Lutheran minister and an Episcopalian priest. All of them told me that there was nothing in their interpretation of the bible that would support that kind of thought. Even the Ex-Calvinist, who knew a lot about pre-destination, did not see it in those terms. In fact, he said, according to pre-destination it was meant that "Amy" have the birthfamily that she did and that her path to her adoptive family was "set before time."

While stories like this may be helpful to parents, and may give kids an out from reality for a little while, they do not hold the child's truth. I personally feel it is better to tell the truth from the beginning that to have to dispel myths later. And I really do believe that it is dangerous to give kids responsibility for others actions.

[Kate1129]

I will say that I agree with Mallory4 and Bromachick.

I do think it's a great little fairy tail. But it does put the blame on the children. Like they chose to be hurt and uncared for. It also paints God in a bad light. It is never God's will that a child be hurt. He does allow it to happen based soley on the part where we have free will and He doesn't generally go against that.

I have found that I am totally honest with my foster kids. J is 5 now and he knows exactly why he's going to live here forever. His bmom allowed her boyfriend to hit him and hurt him and his sister. He knows they are in jail for stealing and breaking the law. I will never tell him he "chose" that family. I will never tell him that God put him there to be hurt first so that I could love him later. That is adding a false sence of guilt. He will have enough guilt in his life, I don't need to add any of the false stuff.

[sincerely]

Sorry, but I really liked it and I think it's worthy of publishing.

In my opinion, God is real as is life. Why we suffer, why we all have something crappy to deal with, I can't explain, but I can say that God never promised it would be a bed of roses, but he does have big & better plans for everyone. He is always working on our lives, even when it doesn't seem like it.
So, to say that maybe as little souls in heaven, we might get to help pick some of the good things that will happen in our lives, I see nothing wrong with that.

Sorry, I don't see it as putting guilt or blame on the children. I didn't read that into the story.

Here's what I "heard": I want a great mommy & daddy family that loves me. God says I'll have that, but I'll be going thru some rough spots first and have to be strong until I get to my real mommy & daddy.

I could reverse this story and make it mine: As an angel baby in Heaven I say Hey God, I want to have great kids. God says I'll have that, but I'll go thru some rough spots first and will have to be strong and patient until my child comes to me. Along my journey, I figure out that I want a child so bad, that all my love and want doesn't leave any extra room in my body to have a child biologically (part of my journey and rough spots). For whatever reasons that I don't understand, I have to wait, I suffer, my children suffer, but then suddenly, God brings us together. For reasons we'll possibly never understand here on earth, that moment is God's timing.

I really don't see it as a lie or really fairy tale-ish. I think it also has a lot to do with what you view as a lie. Many ppl view celebrating Santa & the Easter bunny as lies. Don't get me wrong, I take this story seriously, but I think just like the Santa idea, as children get older, they begin to understand that it is a concept about giving and loving and less about the "character" Santa. Similarly, the story about the angels and the mommy & daddy is a concept about love and finally getting to the right place with God's help.
That's my take and my opinion. I like it.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

sincerely-Thank-you, it seem you have actually read it in the concept it was meant to be read...with the heart...the same way it was written...from my heart to my sons.

[sincerely]

bug&bear, I love your signature - that God had bigger plans than I did. That's so cool!

[lisajm54]

We are making progress. We go for our evaluation at the Attachment and Bonding Center on May 15. I hope Dr. Keck turns out to be all he has been promised to be. Maybe then Beka can put some of these issues behind her and start feeling good.

[StorkWatcher]

THis is similar to what I'm planning to use as his first adoption story for my son. It's beautiful - I feel so much love in there!!!!!

[EmmaLeigh2882]

That was just wonderful, it made me cry! I have spent many nights, and in fact much time when I should have been working in the day thinking about my children... Children my arms havent touched but my heart hold very dear. I have writen letters, made life book covers, decorated rooms and bought toys... sometimes I when I close my eyes I can hear their laughter, I certainly have felt their tears!

Your story was just so fantastic!
Heidi