[ingodshands]

As a former foster child seperated from her siblings when put into fostercare, this article is very interesting to me, and brings home the message, that if at all possible, siblings belong together, when in fostercare or entering adoption


http://library.adoption.com/Sibling-...le/3685/4.html





Collette

[Ians mom]

How long will it take "the system" to realize that sometimes all these children have is each other.

Our first placement was for 2 little girls, part of a sibling set of 4. Their first placement decided it was too much work to keep all of them so at a Dr appt. they told the sw they were only bringing 2 of the children home with them and the sw needed to find another placement for the other 2

We got the 2 girls and about a month later, one of the boys, but all 4 children were not together until the reunification.....I told the sw repeatedly that we would take the other boy so they were all together but he was never moved to our home. How does it make sense to seperate these children when they have lost so much ?

[Jensboys]

I wonder what the emotional ramifications are of siblings separated due to age, or parentage.

For example, I adopted our boys (full siblings) when they were ages 3 and 4. They have an older (half) brother by mother, then 6, that was being raised by his father's mother
.
Half sister (by father) that was 2, being raised by her mom - they had never met.

Then they have a full sister born 3 years after we adopted them, being raised by mom. Another half sister (by mom) born 2 years after that being raised by her father's family, and now another baby due soon who will be raised by ???

The full sister and half sister by mom we make great attempts to maintain contact with, but its difficult. Little one's dad isnt interested in the other siblings and mom lacks interest.

Older brother we have no contact info for and noone seems willing to give it to us and younger sister by dad is a new discovery so we have yet to see where that will go.

Anyways, I have had some interesting discussions with my boys over these sibling relationships, but I wonder what the long term issues will be.

Jen

[crick]

I'd like to think (in a perfect world?) that most sw's try to keep siblings together, but we all know it doesn't always happen.

I am a strong advocate for keeping the groups intact but do realize sometimes it's just not possible either due to the size of the group or if the sibling relationships cause harm to each other.

Unfortunately I do believe that sometimes there may be 1 sibling who needs more help than the other kids and it's not safe to put them together. In that instance I do support the "best interest of the kids" individually and it may be necessary to separate them.

I do agree with the author that if separation is necessary, that it doesn't have to mean complete disconnection. That they can have contact and visits etc.

I know for my kids, the sw was adamant on finding parents that would take all 4 kids and know that it wasn't easy for her despite her strong desire to keep them together. When we first heard about the kids she had been put in the position of possibly separating them 2 & 2 because no one was coming forward to say they could parent all 4. I look at my kids now and just shudder to think what would have happened if they couldn't have been together! They need each other and the bond between them is just amazing.

[GKMILLEROF9]

I totally agree on keeping sibs. together. when we started doing fostercare we got 2 little ones.before we could start the adoption a new one was born. then 10 days before the adoption was final a 4th one was born. did it stop there? oh no--in june of this year a 5th one was born. but the good news is we have begun the adoption on the last two. and I mean the last---from her.we have 1 girl and 4 boys. they have an older sib. that is with her bio-dad and we do keep in contact with them. one has 3 sibs. 2 ahs 2 sibs 1 we don't know and the baby we don't know who the father is. my hubbie wasn't at all thrilled to keep adding more but would'nt take nothing for them. this makes us a total of 11 kids. only the 5 are at home.

[Happy123]

I to took in my son's brother who was in another concurrent foster home. The thought of them growing up together was to much for me. They had been seperated for 7 months due to the older one's behavior. Just recently we were very lucky to have their baby brother placed with us.

Being adopted is hard enough I think, but to know you have siblings out there would be harder. I am happy to know that they can look around their own home to see who they look like.

We to will take any other siblings that are born later on if there are any.

[LadyBugz]

Good post Crick! Deborah Hage apparently agrees with all here:
Sibling Placement and Attachment

[lucyjoy]

I agree with Hage's assessment that if the children do not function together in a healthy manner, they should not be forced to stay together. My twins should never have been placed together. One is very unhealthy, even after years of trying, and it is so damaging to his brother. I do believe sibling contact is good when it is done in a healthy manner. I took 3 of 6 siblings. The 2 oldest did not wish to be adopted and the third needed placement without the younger 3. They have maintained contact and visit whenever any of the 6 wishes to do so.

[GKMILLEROF9]

the first group of kids we got there was 4, they ended up seperating them and the 2 young ones were adopted by 2 differant families and the 2 older ones are still in care. I hear the oldest has all kinds of problems and is in and out of facilities. I really liked her but she had way to many issues for me to handle. We keep in contact with our 5 yr. olds family coz he gave up his rights so we could adopt him. that works out real good for us

[Tudu]

We were motivated to adopt again by the story of one of our fd a few years ago and what effect the system had on her relationship with her siblings. She had been separated from all of her 3 siblings and after spending many years in the system she aged out with the intention of raising them herself. As an adult she went through the process and was found capable to have custody of the youngest two. She started visitation and realized she didn't know them anymore now that they were in their teens. They now had significant issues she was not able to handle and eventually had to tell then she couldn't take them. She has a tremendous amount of guilt for not taking them and for not loving them like she used to. We knew then we wanted to prevent this from happening to a large family if we could.

[Biggsista]

I really commend all of you reading in reading this post..I have been reunited with my half brother within the last few years and it has been such a struggle, I loved him from day one..he just didnt know it. He didnt find me until years later and we finally got together again when our father was dying. (I did try when I was younger to see him but he was too young to be interested) If his foster parents or my own had thought the way you do, it wouldnt be so hard today forming a relationship. We would already have one. To this day I still feel the missing bond, I feel the rejection from all sides and at the same time feel extremely jealous when he goes to see his foster family. They know more about him than I do. They come first on holidays and birthdays, even though I spend more time traveling to see him than they do. His wife has been extremely jealous since we started talking and when I call she says she'll call back (never does, she never thinks that I am just calling to talk to my brother, or then again I feel like she just doesnt want me to). I am trying to realize that he has his own life now and may not be able to be what I want or need him to be. If we had grown up to have some memories, Im pretty certain that I wouldnt be so desperate and grasping at straws now. Anyhow, I am glad to know that there are parents out there with some brains. Its really difficult as an adult and this roller coaster ride is for the birds.

[ajjhmf]

I think that if the relationships are healthy, then of course kids whould be together. But many times, with abused and neglect kids, one sibling my have problems that are harmful to the other. That's the case with our son. His older brother has issues that keep him from living with J, but we do maintain contact with is brother and one day, when his brother is healthier, we hope to progress to more contact.

Jenny

[WhoKnew]

In a perfect world, it would be great to always keep siblings together. I think the biggest obstacle is that there are just not enough families who are able and willing to take in sibling groups, especially large ones. Unfortunately, that is probably unlikely to change. I have such admiration for those of you who have adopted sibling groups. I wish I could have, but it's also important to know one's limits. We keep in contact with N's sibs, and I think it is great for her. I know as an adult she will be glad to have had relationships with them.

[happyinhazard]

I just wanted to toss my two cents worth in since this issue is very near and dear to my heart at the moment. I am a maternal aunt to a sibling group of four precious children who have been in foster care since 2000. They happen to live out of state. I was contacted over a year ago to see if we would take them. We said, Yes! We started parenting classes so we would be better able to care for them. They called and told us forget it. I was devastated. Almost a year later, they called again...will you take these children? We said Yes! again.

We are now licensed and fostering a short term boy who is on his way to be adopted by somebody else. After one week of dealing with two sw (private and state), paperwork, doctor visits, counseling sessions, his bio father calling me on the phone, his potential adoptive mother calling me and emailing me everyday, not to mention the everyday running of a household with two teenaged boys one of which has multiple "issues".....did I really want FOUR children under the age of 12 with multiple issues and medical needs??

Then, just yesterday the sw for my sister's children called after not hearing from them since Christmas. I was so glad she called! Long story, short -- the three younger children who do not remember me at all will remain where they are and be adopted by the people who have fostered them for the past year and a half. The oldest child who does remember me and wants to live with me will come and stay the summer with us (after school is out) to see how it goes.

Last evening, the children's therapist called me (not knowing about the conversation and decision the sw and I had made that morning) and he totally agrees with our "plan of action". The younger two children are totally bonded with foster family and happy and well adjusted. The other neice has major medical problems and her doctor has been with her since birth (a fine Doctor I trust completely) and she would be happy to be the ONLY child in her foster home where she has lived for the past year and a half. He said he would recommend this plan to the court.

Two of the children were in one home and two are in another because they were fighting and harming each other on a regular basis. They were separated for their own safety. Nobody involved (on that end) thinks it is a good idea for them to be together.

I agreed to allow the foster parents to adopt the younger two if they would allow us to keep in contact with them. The sw agreed that would be acceptable to the foster parents.

This agreement is not set in stone and my husband is not totally sold on the idea that we only get one child....but I've always wanted what is best for the children and I do not believe (now) that me chasing after four small children and being stressed and grumpy all the time is what they need.

I have totally been pushing for them to stay together and stay with family but even more than that, I want the very best for them.