[hilzim]

My husband and I have three biological children and are compelled to look into adoption to expand our family. We have been talking about this for the past two months and are getting frustrated with all the varying options and opinions. We have been talking to many people and can not decide which way to go. We like the thought about going through the state to help kids here and it would also be financially easier for us but when we talk to people about state kids they say they can really bring problems into your house becuase of all the baggage they carry. That is why we are also looking at Ethiopia where the children are suffering loss but don't have quite so many problems. There have got to be good kids out there in our state. We are thinking about adopting one or possibly two (siblings) in the 0-6 age range. We also wonder if going through the state is better than going through AAI which we have heard wonderful things about. Can anyone help us?

[tlc4kidz]

IMO any child you adopt will have baggage and potential problems....or not. Our children were placed with us directly from the hospital, through fostercare, and have no drug or alcohol exposure, and no history of mental illness on either side of their parents families. Although I have been told this rarely (some have said never) happens, we are living proof that it can. We also know that we are just as likely to have issues with these guys as anyone else who adopts from here or any other country on the planet......for that matter we never know what will come up with our bio-kids!

I have been told that love is not enough and that they will probably suffer from this or that disorder and we shouldn't have taken this on. But, like you, we felt led to bring these guys into our family. And we will do the best we can and educate ourselves and pray....ALOT! If you have faith and listen to what your heart is leading you to do I believe you will be blessed beyond measure!

[EvaC]

Amen Fosterma! I agree with you whole heartedly. My husband and I have four biological children and decided to expand our family. We went through the state and we now have and are in the process of adopting 3 of the sweetest kids you'd ever want. Were they perfect? No, but they are the children that God wanted us to have and we have been very blessed with them.

[hilzim]

It is so nice to hear good things. We have heard so many negatives and so many people trying to tell us to really be cautious. The problem is we do feel really compelled by God we believe to follow this track. We are doing our research but I think it is going to be the people that have adopted and lived through it that we will get the best advice. We are just nervous like anyone should be to make such a large decision that will not only affect us as a couple but our whole family. I appreciate all the great advice and stories you guys have to give us.

Thank you!!

[roxanna425]

this may be a terrible thing to say, but with the state you have some safeguards in case your child has severe psychological or emotional issues. there's a sw and a time period before the adoption is finalized. with international adoptions if there is a problem it's your problem and only your problem.

[hilzim]

Yes, actually that is one of the things that I like with the state. Not that I would want to do anything like "return" a child, but at least in the worst case scenario this is a possibilty. It is also nice to make sure that is a really good forever scenario for our family. That is what is appealing with the foster to adopt program where we would be able to meet and spend time with the children before we even think about finalizing. You are right, with international we are in it from the minute we pick the children up. Although, we have heard very good things about Ethiopian adoptions. Thanks for your help!

[dl]

We also know that we are just as likely to have issues with these guys as anyone else who adopts from here or any other country on the planet......for that matter we never know what will come up with our bio-kids!

fosterma ~ As an adoptee, I thank you for stating this. Many times it is assumed that an adoptee is traumatized, disordered or wounded simply due to joining their family by adoption. I appreciate your stating what many of us feel is obvious ~ a parent "never know what will come up with our bio-kids!" either. I'm sure Scott Peterson's parents never expected to be visiting him on death row in San Quentin and he's their bioSon. Good grief, if he had been adopted I'm sure his actions would have been blamed on adoption. Many seem to use it as a scapegoat!

hilzim ~ A thread that you might find encouraging is:
“Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee”.
Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee
One positive adoption story led to the sharing of many others.
Best of Luck on your journey.

[hilzim]

The thing of it is is that with our bio-kids we are so careful not to drink or take drugs during our pregnancy so it won't affect our baby. What I found out from someone I know that works in the social work system is that some drug addicted babies are later affected in life by not having the cause and affect in their brain do to their mothers drug use causing them to do things that other kids would not. Also, children that are sexually abused have issues that many other children do not. We are not looking for the "perfect" children. But we do have to worry about how things will affect the children that we already have.

Thank you for the great thread you told us about. any and all info is great.

[arizona]

I was just wondering since I have also read and heard a lot of negative stories, but do most of them allow you to get close to them. My older brother adopted a 2 year old girl 16 years ago from Korea and even though she loves them she never allowed them to hug her ever. Is this common among foster adopt childen?
I was also wondering if you do adopt a child that has say drug or alchol exosure or been sexual abused does the state give them hlep like counceling so they and you can understand and help in the situation. Love is unconditional but feeling fustrated and helpless is hard. If someone can help the child and the parents to know what to expect and contribute helps.

[crick]

You might check out the "special needs" or "older child adoption" boards for a bit more information on adopting through the state. Foster to adoption can be a very different world than straight adoption through the state.

Dh and I adopted a sibling group of 4 a little over 2 years ago. Are they perfect? No, but neither am I and I wasn't adopted. And neither is little Johnny across the street and he's a bio too. Yes, there are some challenges but overall, our kids are just that....kids.
I think a big "key" in exploring this type of adoption is educating yourself on all the possible challenges and issues and then deciding which ones you are comfortable and able to deal with. For us, a child of sexual abuse was not something we felt equipped to deal with and yet there are others that can. Continue to educate yourself and be honest with yourself.
And one last thing....you'll hear more negatives than positives in general. Take the info you can from it and remember it's based on those people's individual experiences. It does not necessarily mean your experience will happen the same way. So don't let the negative stories scare you away. For every one of those, there is a positive experience as well. It's just less discussed in some ways I think.
Crick

[KansasMom]

I love hearing how you all feel you are being led by God to do this! Hubby and I feel the same way. It's inexplicable otherwise, yet makes perfect sense in hindsight for me. We have 2 bio boys, yet wanting a daughter has never left me or my husband. We are in the process of beginning MAPP classes (required in Kansas) next month. I'm pretty nervous about this, but God is with us and it will be ok.

Sharon

[roxanna425]

Originally Posted by hilzim

The thing of it is is that with our bio-kids we are so careful not to drink or take drugs during our pregnancy so it won't affect our baby. What I found out from someone I know that works in the social work system is that some drug addicted babies are later affected in life by not having the cause and affect in their brain do to their mothers drug use causing them to do things that other kids would not.

Not all children in the foster system have been sexually abused. If they have you do get subsidized counseling for them from Medicare. You van get a child that has been sexually abused from overseas as well. I have two children from the foster care system and the girl is on-track in school and very attached to us but the boy was born drug affected. I am pretty sure the Mom did drug throughout the pregancy. It's the luck of the draw.

My cousin is a pediatrician so I am pretty sure she didn't do drugs or drink during her pregnancy. Her biological son has severe ADHD and needs specialized counseling and a special school. So it can happen from drugs/alcohol, ADHD or whatever. There's no guarantee.

[hilzim]

This might be a wierd question to some, but what would we expect when we get the adopted child(ren) in our house? What kind of transition do they go through? Is there a lot of testing of the waters, is bedtime a real problem? Do the kids cry a lot? It is hard to imagine what they go through. Does anyone have any stories to share and how long it took for the child to become accustomed to your family etc?

Thank you for your insight.

[leenab]

The adjustment period really varies alot. I've had 2 very different experiences with my sons. Om had a very difficult time adjusting and we went through 3 months of tantrums, crying, screaming, smearing everything and anything on the walls, breaking toys, damaging furniture, the list goes on. And he was supposed to be the perfect child. To this day Om still has issues adjusting to new situations. We just recently bought a house and moved in. Om is going through adjustment all over again and testing everything.

Our other son Raj was the exact opposite in terms of adjustment. His process was so easy. He just fit into our family so perfectly (even although he has a lot of issues SID, ADHD and has had developmental delays in the past, abuse & neglect and cocaine exposure). He was very well prepared for adoption by his cwer and former foster mother. And we've kept in touch with his former foster mother, and she was great during his transition into our home. He did cry day 5 & 6 in our home and asked for his former foster mom. So we called her and the two of them talked and he was okay. Raj has had mild attachment issues, he spent almost 2 months sleeping in the master bedroom. He'd just sneak in at night and wanted to stay there. So we had to move a bed in for him. We've alos been through OT & Speech therapies with Raj and he's done wonderfully. I know it sounds like he's a handful, which he can be at times, but he's actually my easier son.

For us the magic time seems to be about 3-4 months for the bad behavior to end and about 4-5 months for the true attachment to be strong. But it's really a case by case issue. Part of our quick times could be attributed to the fact that I'm a stay-at-home mom and the boys have NEVER been to a babysitter or respite. After the first 4 months with Om he attened preschool and Raj went after 2 months. But I had to pull him 3 months later because of his delays and special needs. And Raj i now homeschooled. So we're all a very close family.

[lostboys]

In my opinion, there are no perfect children. I don't think it matters where they come from. We foster through a private agency. We have had 10 Foster children in the past 9 months. I have had 6 children bio and through marriage. I love them all...none where perfect, but all are special in their own ways. Each one has had there own unique talents, problems, and some with medical and mental conditions. You just deal with what you have, and know that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Some of the children have been more of a challenge than others, but all of them have been a blessing to us. And most importantly, all of the children need someone to love to love them. Raising children is never easy but it has been the best part of my life.