[Tinatwins]

I'm new to this board and it appears to be a great site for adoption and foster care. My husband and I have been foster parents for two years and just adopted both our children last year after fostering them for 1 1/2 years. They are both 2, a boy and girl, just 3 1/2 months apart in age and quite a handful.

Both have siblings which have been adopted or in the process of being adopted. The bio moms are very different. I have 1 mom, my daughter's who calls and wants to keep in contact and my son's bio mom who has disappeared from the face of the earth.

I know where all their siblings are and my intention is to get them together at some point. Right now we are trying to adjust to family life without a social worker involved.

Now this is my situation. On New Years Day, my daughter's bio mom called and wanted to get the sisters together to exchange Christmas present's. She has custody of her oldest daughter, who is 8 and they are living in a battered woman's shelter. My husband and I along with the kids went there and the sister's met for the first time and exchanged gifts. We stayed there for about 1 hour and bio mom took a roll of pictures. I have not had any problems with bio mom and she has been nothing but nice to me. She is a very smart woman and was talking about going to college and getting an apartment in the next couple of weeks.

My daughter was in foster care since she was 3 months old and this woman could not get herself together. She has a drug problem, crack and alcohol, and problems with getting suitable housing. She talks a great talk, but there is no action.

My question is how often should I allow visits? Her sister's 9th birthday is at the end of this month. While we were at the shelter, she wanted my daughter to come to the party, spend the night with her, so she could get to know her better. I didn't comment, but my first reaction was no way! Her sister has also had a hard life, most of it was spent out of state, in Chicago with her dad, who is now in prison. I don't want to expose my daughter to anything bad, she's going to be 3 in March. But at the same time I want them to know one another.

For you foster parents, it's is nice to let your social worker be the bad guy and say no to the bio parents, not so easy when you have to do it yourself.

Tinatwins

[Dana Wessoly]

Honestly, there is no way I would allow a sleep over, maybe you can offer to take the birthmom and BS to Chuck E Cheeses or a movie or dinner instead to celebrate the birthday.

[jlcwc92300]

dana is right there is no way i would send my almost 3yr old for an over night w/ a stranger. like dana said maybe do something that you all can spend the whole day togather but i thing you little one is just too young to be left w/o you. i have a 7yr old that i'm looking into a step adoption on and because of the "no contact" thats going on (birthmom hasn't seen her sence 2000) i'm iffy of letting her go for an over night or anything like that.
so yes if you feel confortable w/ her being around then just make a day of it. but be prepared for her to "vanish" agian. you said she many other problems and can talk the talk, just make sure she is walking the walk before you get too far.
if you would like to talk or anything feel free to email me anytime
Joy-- Blue_Eies_20@ yahoo.com

[Tinatwins]

My daughter used to have overnights with her maternal grandmother as part of the foster care visitation schedule. We also have a good relationship with grandma, but haven't had any overnights since the adoption was finalized. I drop her occasionally for the day and pick her up when visiting Grandma. I would never let bio mom have an overnight, but they both may want to stay at Grandma's. Maybe due to insecurities and my daughter's age, my gut feeling is to limit bio mom's visits and have day visits for the sister's without bio mom. I want to be as open about the adoption as I can be with my children.

Then another problem arises, if we foster relationships with my daughters bio family and no one in my bio son's family because no one wants to, how will my son feel and how can I explain the difference to him?

Tinatwins

[hockeycoachmomo]

Tinatwins,

I agree that you shouldn't allow overnight or any unsupervised visits with the birthmom. She is a nice person, but there is a reason why her daughter was placed in foster care in the first place and she was unable to regain custody.

I am in the same situation with some of my adopted kids having contact with birth parents, and others not. Now that my kids are getting older, 5, 6 and 8, the ones who don't know their birth families are getting upset. It is a situation I don't like, but I don't want to eliminate my son's birthmom from the picture just because the other birth families don't have contact.

Michelle

[JoanneFromNYC]

Originally posted by hockeycoachmomo

I agree that you shouldn't allow overnight or any unsupervised visits with the birthmom. She is a nice person, but there is a reason why her daughter was placed in foster care in the first place and she was unable to regain custody.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

[jenna202]

The woman is an alcoholic and a crack addict. I wouldn't let her be alone with my DOG for 5 minutes, much less my precious child!