[Sue71]

It may be long but I have nowhere to vent so I am sorry that I finally have had it and must release how I feel about her. Tonight at superbowl party, I approached a so called friend whom was a social worker that worked with foster kids for over 5 years before she became a stay home mom. I told her I have thought about her advice over the past 5 years about adopting a kid of two from foster care and I thought that I am near my goal. she didn't seem to care about what I have been thought to accomplish in my life and my idea of adopting kids from foster care. She wanted to talk about her kids and the teams in the superbowl so I asked her why she thought all kids are bad in the foster care 5 years ago when we had a conversation. I asked her if there is any kids good out there at all. She ignored what I said. She went on and on on the area that she served and the wrong reason that foster parents she used to deal with when she worked in west side of Chicago. I realized that one thing that she asked me 5 years ago when I first expressed my interest in adopting kids from Foster care . She thought I was after the stipend from the Illinois. I was so hurt. She didn't want to carry on the conversations and I didn't that was a reason to because I have felt that she didn't really care for the kids in the care and they were all just her job. She is a nice person but not nice enough to care for the kids that really needs help or she would not tell my husband all the bad thing about the foster kids and not a single good one. She doesn't really care about the welfare of the kids or she would really come straight to ask me if money is my motive. Then I would tell her the stipend from Illinois is one day of my gross pay. I was in shocked because i have always thought the social workers would care about the welfare of foster care kids. I was so mad at her advice to my husband and me 5 years ago. She knew we were nice people and all the reason that she gave us for delaying to adopt a kid or two from foster care was that she didn't care for them. I am sure that she cares for us because she has been friends with my husband for over 10 years but she should have known that we respect so much of her opinion on this so we waited and waited until our daughter is older and until she thought we were ready. 5 years later, I could have waited another 4 years until my daughter is 9 years old if I knew she was genuinely concerned about both my family and the kids that we are going to adopt. I am so mad because I don't think that she cares for the kids at all. Once she left that work , she probably doesn't even care for anything that is related to it or she would listen to me about all the things that I read here. I don't have a rosy glasses on about adopting kids from foster care. I come here to read all your experiences and all the stories here so one day I could be ready. So I am very disappointed tonight because I know that the passion and love that I wanted so much to give to more kids have been misunderstood. And I am sad because I wonder how many current social workers in foster care service treating this as just a job? I wonder if I would ever trust her as a reference if we decided to go for it when our daughter is older. I wonder if she is going to say something to my husband about how bad the kids are in the care. Couldn't she think of a good example ? couldn't she? I could, I met a mom in my daughter's ballet class that I treated her as my role model. She loves her foster kids and took them to the classes every weekend and watched them shine. Her eyes sparkles when she talks about her wish to adopt them eventually. Was that friend really a friend or did she ever care for the kids that she worked for? What if my husband wants to ask her opinion again when our daughter is older? Because she was working in this area, he respects what she has to say. What should I say? When my husbands tells me that she said only bad things again about the kids in care. I am so mad at how her feeling about her previous job and nothing positively comes out from her mouth. I feel better now and I think that I am just not going to take her advise and when we are ready to adopt from foster care, I would strongly suggest not to listen to her. I won't even mention her name when my DH and I talk about that. ugh...upset!! I just want to love more kids that's all. why cannot I have a big family so I can be so happy to see every little things that kids do and just feel loved because I have love for them. sigh..

[Fostermom22]

Wow, I'm sorry you're going through that...as a SW I am shocked that someone would feel hat way.

As to what to tell your DH, I would recommend maybe contacting a local FP association and seeing if you can attend a meeting or get a few families to connect with. There are all sorts of children in care and not all will be a good fit with your family, and that's okay, but the timing has to be your (and your DH) decision.

Good luck and keep us posted

[Withay]

Personally, I wouldn't listen to this person. She sounds, to me anyway, to be a rather negative person from what you've said. Let what she said roll off your back.

Like Fosterom22 said, the timing is up to you and your DH, not her or anyone else.

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

I don't think she really is your friend, I wouldn't use her as a reference and would never run anything by her or ask her opinion on anything related to fostering/adopting.


I would try to become more friendly with that other foster mom. Only foster mom's really understand what it's like having fosters in your house.

[Sue71]

Fostermom22, Withay, and Hoping2adoptsibs, Thank you so much for your understanding and support. I am kind of embarrassed by my own long vent post but I also realized that some truth took me years to see and it took you a minute or two to reach the same conclusion. I am going to bring up the adoption plan to my DH again this week. He prefers to adopt kids between 3-7 and his range can extend to 9 if a child or children match with us. Now ,I see why he totally agreed with our " friend"s advice. Just to think about the potential to have a big family that make my day. I will definitely checking local foster family connection in this area. It seems so rare in my area but I will try my best . Thank you all again.

[Hoping2adoptsibs]

Don't ever be embarrassed by vents, no matter the length. That's why I love this place. People that you never met understand more of what you are going through than sometimes family that is right next to you.

Don't give up your dream because of someone else's view on it.

[Scrapsathome]

Another couple at our church, friends of ours for the past few years, finally decided to follow our lead and become foster parents about a year ago. They got one "emergency placement" that became a long crazy drawn out ordeal that lasted about 7 months. They really thought they were going to get to adopt him, but it didn't happen.

My friend invited my family to the lake and while the kids played with my DH, she and I were able to talk. She asked me lots of questions about our fostering experiences over the past 4 years and I gave her lots of advice, etc. Afterwords, she said that hearing my joy in the experiences, and laughter over the crazy parts, really made her want to continue fostering. Apparently she'd been really dragged down emotionally by the CW's and licensing workers that she'd met so far. They were incredibly negative, pessimistic, and hostile. I think she managed to find the only bad ones in our whole county, lol. We've really lucked out with only one bad CW ever, and he was brand spankin' new and didn't have a clue.

My point is that you should talk to any experienced foster parents you can find. CW's are often burnt out because they see so much more of the negative aspects and because, literally, it is their job, which means it comes with the same frustrations of any job, and the added stress of knowing that lives can be ruined so easily.

I'd cut your friend some slack, but not discuss foster care with her anymore. The most important person to discuss it with is your spouse. He needs to be as excited about the idea as you are, or you shouldn't move forward with it. I have another friend who has wanted to a be a FP for a decade now, but her DH wasn't ready. All of a sudden, in the past few months, his heart has totally changed, and now he's ready. Not only that, but God seems to be making a way now, financially for their family by suddenly opening up a better job with higher pay and getting them into a permanent home with extra space. Timing is important, but having your spouse in agreement is crucial.

[Sue71]

eScrapsathome, Thank you for sharing your story with me. I agreed that she may be burned out by her job so when she became a stay home mom ,she didn't want to have anything to do with that. I was just surprised after over 7 years of removed from her prior job, she still couldn't discuss it in a fair manner. She only wanted to talk about whose got a nice car and whose got a nicer house. Everytime when I saw her, she always wanted to compare my BD's height with hers and my clothes ( I wear cheap clothes ) with hers. Your friend's story is sort of like mine. DH wasn't ready when our BS was 1.5 due to financial and other his emotional issues. ( he is the youngest of 5) After a year , he accepted an offer to a really good paid job so he was open to adoption a child or children from Foster care. However, after a talk with this friend, we decided to wait. I started a good paid job two years ago that make him feel more financial secure. Although, I rather be a stay home mom, I don't want to make him feel financially insecure again. I think my DH is still in a period that he calls waiting so I should be able to open up the conversation again. I am not sure how much time that he needs to think about it but like your said his timing is the most important thing in going forward to adoption from foster care. I will wait until he is ready. It could be next month or could be that he still wanted to wait until our BD is 9 years old. I will wait.

p.s I am not sure why my post has underline and I cannot remove it. ugh..

[Fostermom22]

you probably hit the U (w/a line under it)...

as you were told, vent here anytime, its what this forum is for

[Scrapsathome]

My DH is awesome about the desire to help kids and to be a foster/adoptive family. He does, however, share your husband's (and many other husband's) need to feel financially stable. Here's what you need to do. Step one, make sure you are completely debt free except for your house. If you have no outstanding bills (credit cards, loans, cars) to worry about, it removes a LOT of stress from your marriage. Step two, create two emergency funds. One has a thousand dollars in it and is for minor emergencies, the other has about three months pay in it in case of major emergencies. Then lay out a detailed budget covering everything from rent to money set aside for car repairs and birthdays throughout the year. That way, he can see clearly that you can afford to be a foster/adopt parent and maybe even a SAHM. Once that financial peace is reached, then you'll know if it's really that he isn't ready or if it's that he didn't think your family could afford the major changes involved. I totally recommend Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University website. It changed our marriage and made it possible for us to live as well as we do on such a small income considering how large our family is.