[mcbmom]

We are adopting a little girl that is currently in a foster only home. The foster mom is very possessive of "Rose" as she has had her for a year. How do I help her be supportive of this transition. FM said she never thought "Rose" would be adopted due to medical issues. FM told me she would be the judge is we would make good parents of "Rose" and she could stop it if she wanted to by telling the doctor that "Rose" was not stable which she is.

I know it is tough on her and just want to make things easier all around so we can bring little girl home with as little drama as possible. Transition is only one week so this will go quick. I have no problem with staying in contact and have told FM and SW that.

Thanks for any advice

[carmen90]

Wow, thats a difficult situation. She is obviously upset and angry, but she cannot judge you. She has to find a way of coming to terms with her loss and supporting the relationship between you and your new daughter.

I would pass on the comments she made straight to the SW's and other profesionals involved. They need to be aware she is threatening to sabotage the adoption. She also needs support for herself - I would hope her agency are able to have a support worker for her (ever FC has a support worker over here). It isn't your responsibility to take on the FC's pain (you may be aware of it, but taking it on your own shoulders will be detrimental to you and your daughter both).

How flexible are the introductions? I don't know how it works in the US, but I would imagine very similar to here. I would nail down timeframes (on a short few hour visit, make a clear plan with the social worker about what will happen hour by hour). Leaving lots of flexibility can backfire badly when dealing with someone who is a bad emotional state.

I would also ask for a phone number for the SW/CW, so if things take a rapid downward turn you can call them and ask them to come over. Or the SW could actualy be in the vicinity for at least the first visit.

I know usually the first couple of visits are at the FC's home, but try and spend as much time after that as possible out of the house. I'm not sure how severe her medical issues are, but if you can spend most of a visit at a local park or an indoor attraction - anywhere you can start bonding with her without the FC being there. Move her stuff over to your house bit by bit, not all on the last day. And on the last day, don't hang around for a long time or drag out goodbyes for too long.

I hope she decides to support the placements though, it's very hard when that doesn't happen. And congratulations on your new daughter

[Wishingndreaming]

Some times just saying you'll stay in contact isn't enough. I have found it helpful to specify the type and frequency of contact."Would you rather I send you pictures by email, text, or mail?" "I was thinking next month we could go to (fair, park, zoo), would you be able to come?"
It's hard to be kind when she doesn't seem to be, but I built relationships by stating that it must be so painful and heart breaking for her. Reassure her that you are in it for the long haul with your daughter.
At the end of the day it can be really emotionally exhausting to deal with her emotions on top of yours and your daughter's emotions and transition. When I encountered this I called my SW and asked her to be there to help counsel and emotionally support the foster mother so that I didn't have to carry all the weight.
We have great, close relationships with 2 of our kid's 3 former foster parents. The 3rd stopped responding to my contact but she has only been the foster parent for 2 weeks so I don't know

[mcbmom]

In the morning we meet our little one! Can't wait. I have been going over and over everything we have been told or given to read on her and info from our classes and I still feel like
Our CW from our agency is coming along and will be at each of the visits to help be a buffer with foster mom. We will try to be senstive to her feelings but at the same time we are there for little girl and need to focus on her. Wish us luck!

[carmen90]

Good Luck and congratulations!!!!!

[wannababy4]

First of all Congrats! I have been in a situation where the adoptive mom would not let me, the former kinship foster mom see the child ever again, even to say goodbye when she had promised that she would allow us to keep a relationship when we sent her there. People lie. She may not trust you. I think the advice about specific contact plans would be good. Also, make her feel you value her. (I was told I didn't do all that much and didn't matter or mean that much to ffd and I should get over my feelings that I didn't have the right to have) Let her know you understand this must be hard for her. Tell her how thankful you are to her for the good home she has provided to your soon to be adopted daughter. Ask her advice. Ask about the little girls schedules, routines, likes, dislikes etc. That will help you out and help ease the transition for AD but also make her feel valued. Try not to make light of what she has already done for her. I think this will go a long way! It will make her feel you truly care about ad and for her. Good luck!

[mcbmom]

Well we have baby girl home. Transition visits were only 5 days for 2 hours each day and one overnight on the last day before the team meeting. baby girl has done great with us. She has adjusted well and no issues with her. FM still is having trouble. She is filing "charges against everyone for disrespecting her wishes" with the transition and calling me several times a day. She gets very mad if I don't answer but I just don't have time each time but I do answer and talk to her once a day. We are all adjusting and baby girl is my priorty. I have asked if the SW can offer her therapy or at the very least help be the buffer. There is a lot of back story that has been slowly coming out that has nothing to do with us or little girl but a past placement that passed away. We are trying to avoid the drama and enjoy baby girl. We are so in love with her already!

[Withay]

Thanks for the update. It sounds as if it might be time to have the cw talk with the ffp about spreading the calls out a bit. Let her know that one call a week for the next 3 weeks, then once every other week for 2 weeks, then it should pretty much stop. The cw needs to make it very clear to the ffp that you and your daughter need time to bond as a forever family and that, while at the beginning the calls were helpful so you could ask questions, it is time to cut back and then stop.