[belovedof3]

Hello

I am new to this board, but what I have read so far has been very helpful.

My story is this, my husband and I feel in love with a 4 year old little girl in his aunts foster home. We have contacted our state agency , went to the orientation meeting, and have started the process of getting a worker.
My concern is are we doing the right thing? We have a 4 1/2 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. They are are world. I'm not as worried about the change with our son due to the age gap, but I don't want my daughter to feel like she has to compete, or is second best. A co-worker made the comment walk a mile in her shoes, how would you feel? She is the baby of the family and only granddaughter. I want this to be a healthy good thing for her. This is really bothering me, and I'm not sure how to handel it.
Any advice???

thanks

[hockeycoachmomo]

The problem you describe with your family is a pretty common one. If you decide to adopt this little girl, you would be doing what some adoptive parents call "artificial twinning", adopting a child that is within a year of age of one of the children you already have. I can certainly understand your hesitation. As parents, we don't want to do anything to hurt the children who are already in our family, as much as we want to help the other child.

In my experience, it is more difficult to adopt/foster a child that is close in age to one of yours. There tends to be a lot more rivalry and competing for attention. But, I have seen it work out time and time again. The key to making it work is to make sure that your birth daughter understands that she is still just as important and that you will not ever love her less. Easier said than done, of course!

I think you really need to take the personalities of both of the children into account and have them spend as much time together as possible before making your final decision. Try spending time with them together and see if any problems show up.

I think that if you are willing to work at it, you can show your daughter and son what a wonderful thing it is to bring another child into your family to love. They will also learn that everyone in the family will need to make changes and sacrifices for the new child. The key is to make it a labor of love to avoid resentment on the part of the older kids. I would try emphasizing that this little girl is going to need their help and understanding and try to make them more a part of the decision making process.

Another suggestion I have is to talk to the little girl's caseworker and see if the services of a counselor would be available to you and your family about this situation. A counselor who is familiar with the kids or a situation like this, would be able to give you a lot of practical tips about how to handle this so it will work out for everyone involved.

I hope this helps, if you think of any other questions, please let me know.

Michelle

[Sabra]

Dear Belovedof3 (Love your username)

It may feel that you are caught in the middle regarding making a big family decision. I would like to post your question to our Expert Forum (board) entitled "A Social Worker's Point of View." Our expert that places children into homes may be able to give you some insight of what help the social worker you are involved with may be able to give you. Perhaps your social worker has some additional specifics about this little girl in particular that she could share with you. Was this little girl a first born in any of her prior homes, etc. I would ask the social worker if she knows if a temperment study has been done on this child. Perhaps you could get some specifics about this little girl's temperment such as introverted, sensative, outgoing. creative, artistic, domineering, self-sufficient or? Knowing about her attributes will help you to get a feel for her temperment. By Knowing her temperment you can to see if her temperment is possibly a good mix with your other two children. If you post the this little girls attributes that you find I may be able to help you get an idea of what temperment she is and what the your older two special children are as well.

If I were in your shoes I would ask my bio daughter how she would feel being a big sister to someone close to her age. She may voice what being the youngest is to her personally. You would then be able to have some insight on your bio daughter's feelings about her birth order change from youngest to middle child and oldest daughter. Your son's birth order would not change but he would be "out numbered by having 2 girls and one boy in the house and how does he feel about that? I have found my own kids to be pretty honest. You could ask both of your children what age they think would work to share the good that your family has with another child.

Thank you for your post. I pray that you will be learning more that will help guide you into the decision ahead for your special family.

My best to you. Please check on the "Social Worker's Point of View" Expert forum for more answers.

Warm regards,

Sabra Cossentine
Community Director
for adoptionforums.com