[tigger44]

Hi!

Popping over from the Russia board to ask some questions. This is a totally unpredictable situation, but I am not sure about domestic/dss procedures, so wanted to ask some who are more familiar.

A close friend of mine has been telling me about a friend of hers who has temporary custody of her "grandchild", while birthparents are failing at reunification efforts. The general message about the situation is that "dss is about to make a permanent decision". this could mean terminating parental rights, or awarding permanent custody to "grandma"; i have no idea. They live in the county next to ours, so different dss issues to consider too.

The "grandma" is living in poverty and has virtually nothing to care for the baby with. Her home is...horrific. I am going to meet the baby tomorrow, taking some things that "grandma" needs to care for the baby, and will start babysitting on weekends (does dss have to approve me babysitting?).

I don't know what to expect with this situation, but my friend and I are hoping that ultimately the baby can avoid going "into the system", and I can somehow get custoday of or adopt the baby. I realize it could never happen, and lots of things would have to happen before that is even a reality. the "grandma" knows I want to adopt another child.

would babysitting the child establish a kinship that dss seeks when placing a child? I am just rambling here because I don't really know what to ask. Just looking for opinions and real life stories. Thank you!!!

[adsa1066]

Babysitting the child may create a "fictive" kinship relationship, depending on the laws of your state. I can't say one way or the other whether this is definitely the case in your state; I'm hoping that one of the other posters here will be able to give you better details.

[wcurry66]

I'm missing something. Why is "grandma" in quotes?

If GM has temporary custody and DSS is about to TPR, then GM will, in all likelihood, be given the choice of whether to adopt.

By home being horrific - unless you mean it is unsafe for a child and will be failed by the health inspector, it will not be a factor. Being poor does not prevent one from caring for their grandchild; at least in the states i am familiar with.

Babysitting so close to TPR will not cause you to be seen as kinship. If you have been in the child's life for a long time, then maybe. But not if you're just starting now.

I feel really bad for the GM. She's caring for a child.. she has love for the child. She's unsure as to whether she can afford to keep the child long term. And she's surrounded by outsiders who are trying to decide what to do with her temporary child.

She knows you are interested in adopting, but she doesn't know anything about you. Or whether you would be worse that "the system". Even if she decides you are the safer route, she has no say in the child's placement if she decides not to parent.

What a horrible position to be in.

[Kat-L]

Grandma may be keeping the baby now to keep her out of foster care. Maybe she was hoping the parents would pull themselves together.

It's not ALL doom & gloom. Foster care is always the last option. Family friends can (and often are) considered as placements to avoid foster care. One of my foster children was sent to live with a friend of her mom. Another foster child's minister came forward and was considered but then he withdrew his request. They weren't family but they were considered a resource.

It's possible that court date will come and the judge will give the parents another 6 months. Which means you'll have plenty of time to get to know the baby and grandma. And even if the court decides to terminate parental rights, it might be 5 or 6 months before it goes to trial, months of appeal..etc..before the whole process is finished. Again, plenty of time for you.

I think it's awesome that you are helping the grandmother out by visiting, babysitting and bringing her things she needs. She may have no one else to turn to.

It's going to be a long drawn out process whether the judge decides to terminate parental rights or not. So, buckle up for the rollercoaster ride. There will be months of "maybe"s and days of "probably"s before the baby's case is decided.

The baby needs stable adults in her life. You'll be a blessing to her-and can give her a good start in life-even if it doesn't turn into adoption.

[tigger44]

Thanks for all the input! I did get more factual info about the situation. I typed "grandma" because there is no biological relationship between the woman who has custody of the baby and the bio parents. Seems she knew the birthmom from childhood, as she was in her home a lot hanging out with her own children. this wasn't clear to me till just yesterday. so, it tends to describe the "fictive kinship" mentioned. never heard of that before. thank you!

The home actually would NOT pass a health inspection. It is incredibly unsanitary. It's more like a hoarding situation, including animals and their waste, by an unstable woman. She does love the baby, but several factors, including her health, financial situation, age, and the unsanitary home, are not adding to her favor.

This woman is really kind and is not being victimized. She doesn't seem to have a commitment to adopting the baby, but definitely doesn't want her going into foster care. The baby is in a pitiful situation; has been neglected by very young parents (has a flat head, constant diaper rash, and no strength in her legs). Even the woman with temp custody drops her off at daycare first thing in the morning and leaves her there till 6:00pm, while only working weekends. While daycare may be a more sanitary enviroment, with more stimulation, it just hate to know she's in a "facility" all day. Poor little angel!

I've done some other research and realize it could be a long, painful court process, which only delays stability for the child. I hate the process in this country! children have to wait for the grown ups to act like grown ups before they can get into the care and love they deserve, whether with their parents or other adults!

I will be babysitting this weekend and hopefully can be there to help as much as possible, for the baby's sake. and, praying hard for God's protection over the little one.

[tigger44]

If any of you who originally responded with supportive advice way back last year are still here to read this, just wanted to give an update. I did build quite a steady relationship with this baby girl, keeping her every weekend last summer (because her kinship caregiver didn't want her on weekends when daycare was closed), until she was moved back with her parents late summer. The parents found me about a month or so after they had regained custody of her and asked me to help them with getting things the baby needed (neither of them had a job or wanted one). I helped, and tried to encourage the parents to do the best they could. They were very ill equipped and sadly no one (relative) was guiding them. Besides that, the mother just really didn't have the heart to be mother to her child. She was very open to me about her feelings, and said some bizarre things about her baby. To keep the story short, DSS remained involved in the case, multiple times, and in April the baby's mother asked me to take her child, and to adopt her in an open adoption. She's been living with us for almost six months, and we are close to completing the adoption. She is flourishing and the relationship between our family, the baby,and her biological family is healthy, and will always remain open.

[momof9wantingmore]

What a great outcome for this little one!!

[JeannineW]

What a wonderful update! Thanks for sharing.

[Ians mom]

Thank you for updating us! Glad it worked out and the little one has a safe loving home and gets to stay in contact with her biofamily as well.

[Kat-L]

How wonderful!!! I'm so glad your baby found her way home.

[lovemy3babies]

That's great news! I didn't realize how old this thread was at first, and was worried about her head. Was she able to get any services to reform her head? There is a helmet they use, and it helps a LOT!

[RockstarMom]

Yay! Thanks for posting an update. Awesome!