[just-breathe]

I'm looking for thoughts/experiences/ideas on transitioning a toddler to a pre-adoptive placement. The toddler would be going from a home where the caregiver is home with him, to one where he will be going to daycare. I was planning to stay home for 4 weeks from work once we take placement (6 weeks if we can figure how to do so), but that's as far as we can stretch it right now.

How soon should we start daycare? Is it better to get him used to the routine right away, as opposed to adjusting to a few weeks at home all the time and then a week of partial days, then regular full days?

[marykath]

I've read that adopting a toddler is the toughest, because that's the age they start wanting independence. They want to do things by themselves, and yet they need to attach to you, and the best way for them to do that is for you to provide for their every need.
We got our daughter at 17 months. I would stay home as long as you can. Be prepared for the child to be stand-offish at first, then very clingy for a long time. As in many, many months. At least that's how it was for us.
Get a baby sling and carry him everywhere. Have him sleep in the same room to start off. Read Nancy Thomas' books on attachment. Those helped us a lot.
I would take the child to visit the daycare for an hour or so, a couple days in a row, before you actually drop him off so he can get used to their routines, too.

[marykath]

And have fun! This is a fun age - I miss it!

[momraine]

I would suggest a week or two home first to start bonding and then maybe start him half days to get used to daycare and the fact that you always come back, and then transition to full days.

[Socal_mama]

I went through this.. I brought home a 12 month old and a 24 month old.. I am a single mom, and work, so my kids went to daycare (now in preschool). I stayed home for a week, and got to know them, and then just took them to daycare. You have to use an understanding daycare provider, that knows the situation you are in, so they can be compassionate during the transition, but I say just dive in..don't let them get used to a routine with you at home..the sooner they get used to your normal routine, the better..kids are resilient, don't worry..

[anilorak13ska]

We may be adopting a one-and-a-half year old who is currently being cared for by a grandparent, but is regularly in daycare. Depending on timing, I intend to take a semester off from teaching to help him adjust. But this is based on our experience with our foster daughter - we both went right back to work the next day after we brought her home, and the first several weeks were very difficult, and we attribute at least half of that to us not taking the time to just bond with her and figure out what she needs.

[ToniaPrice]

I have a little one that is a year old and may be moving to an adopted home. And I think he will fall right into a daycare as he is use to other kids being around. But I guess I would start off slow. Like the first 2 weeks keep him with you at all time. 3rd week maybe 1/2 days or every other day. 4th week every day but maybe pick him up early. I'm sure he will do well.

Good luck, keep us all posted to let us know how he is adjusting.

[Pepperminty]

My vote would be for keeping the child home with you for as long as possible, and using the last week of that time to do short stays at the daycare. I believe the need for attachment trumps the need for getting used to routine, and if you can take the time off, it'll be better for you to get to know each other at home.

I was a SAHM when we brought home our toddler at 15 months, so in part my thoughts are based on how that went, but also, a family friend brought home toddler twins and they went directly into day care and she attributes a lot of the misery of the next 18 months to that situation.

[just-breathe]

Thanks for all the suggestions, keep them coming!

[anilorak13ska]

Could I piggyback on this thread's poster and ask for advice on other transition ideas for a toddler? Should I be bracing myself for sleepless nights, feeding issues, regression to babyhood, etc.? The little boy we MIGHT be adopting is 16 months right now, has been living with his grandmother for the most part (though he's been in a few foster/respite homes over the past year). He is in daycare during the day. Thanks!

[Pepperminty]

Karolina, I am not sure there is a "normal" set of things to expect. From what I've heard, kids respond in very different ways to the disruption of being moved/losing the caregivers they are used to.

In our son's case, he wanted to be left alone in his crib--he never cried or made any indication he wanted us when he got up in the morning, or at any other time, although he was pleasant and not upset when we came to get him up.

For the first week (since he could not talk) he would take my hand and pull me in the direction of his crib... he just wanted to be left alone with his familiar blanket and musical toy, which he would hum along to... it was sad, but after all, those were the only familiar things he knew, so I can see how they were comforting. He wouldn't make much eye contact and did not seem to follow along when we were reading to him or singing to him....his mind was elsewhere.

During the time he wasn't in his crib, he was hungry and thirsty 100% of the time and until we recognized that, there was lots of crying. He wanted to drink non-stop, whether it was from stress or thirst I don't know.

Our boy's issues with food may just be the way he reacted to stress or may have to do with the way food was handled in his original foster home, I don't know. He would eat to the point of getting sick for three or four months after he arrived at our home.

I guess my advice overall would be to stay flexible and positive. I read a lot about attachment and toddler adoption and took the advice I found, and it seems to have worked for our child.

[rebecca201]

Our FS was 18 months when he joined us in an emergency placement on a weeknight. He had never been in daycare but my husband and I both work full time. We took turns staying home with him for the first week (didn't realize foster care is covered under the NJ Family Leave Act!) but then he went straight into daycare. His transition went pretty well for the first few weeks, but when he started to attach to me is when the leaving him at daycare got harder. He would cry and cling to me every morning. But he got used to it and realized I always came back, so that stopped. Now he's fully bonded (after 10 months) to both of us, goes to daycare with no problems.

We have noticed that in some ways he enjoys activities that are typically for younger infants. He's 2 1/2 now but just found a soft baby rattle we have in the house and carries it with him everwhere. He also still loves to be wrapped up tight in a blanket and rocked before bedtime.

You'll learn your little one's needs and wants and how to best care for him. Good luck!