[sunnyrobins]

FS was placed with us 3 months ago as a preadoptive placement. We had 2 months worth of visits before placement. Have done weekly fam therapy that started one week prior to move-in - now biweekly. So we feel like we prepared for the move in and had an idea as to what to expect. Here's the thing, our situation has ended up being even better than we anticipated BUT being consistent with him has totally worn me down. I am exhausted. It is his daily testing boundaries and arguing when he is corrected for the millionth time. Logically we can see that the consistency pays-off, he learns - but then moves on to something else. So I see the benefit of being consistent with addressing issues(its the same things over and over before he either concedes or before he actually "gets it") with him but it just seems like its is over and over and over every single day and I am SO tired. Right now he is challenging everything he is told to do. I could say, its raining out so be sure to wear your black shoes to school and he comes out with other shoes on to see what I will say - I could say please put your cereal bowl in the dishwasher and he will look right at me and put it on the counter. I need to get in the right frame of mind and continue on the challenge. I am rambling - and venting - the only other person who gets where I am coming from is DH and he's right in the middle of this with me . . . . just needed to vent - I am mentally exhausted.

[DannieAS]

I don't have any words of wisdom....just wanted to show some support.

[mommytoEli]

i've been doing this for 6+ years. somedays i like to be extreme and say it hasn't gotten any better. lol. but really, it has. it is still a struggle for us though. i still find myself daily in these dumb battles. my best advice is to take care of yourself. find something that makes you relax, and make sure you are doing that every so often- get a pedicure, a massage, go out with friends, whatever.

here, i'll make you feel not alone. here is my most memorable battle. for whatever reason, i asked dd to not wear a certain pair of shoes to school that day. i asked her to go up and change before we left. she did....i saw the other shoes on her feet. we went to school. i taught in the school she went to. afterschool she came into my room and said something about her shoes. i looked down....and i remember thinking "son of a blank!" (use your imagination ) there on her feet.....were the very shoes i asked her to change out of. sneaky dog changed them back before leaving the house, and then pointed it out to me at the end of the day like she was taunting me. i told her calmly to take off her shoes and put them in the trash. thinking i couldn't possibly be serious, she put them on the floor by my desk. i made her pick them up and physically put them in the trash. i cringed at the thought of watching brand new name brand sneakers go in the trash, but this was so much more than a shoe. 2 things stick in my mind from that day, #1 i learned to never ever ever buy expensive shoes for her again, lol, and #2 i still chuckle to myself when i think of her walking out through the office and to the car in socks. lol. but you know what....after that day, the number of times she used objects to control me dwindled. because she knew whatever got in the way of her and obedience was out of there!

i am also EXHAUSTED! lol. hang in there! it does get better.

[joskimo]

my thoughts are with you! My older daughter we raised in such a fluid atmosphere, she was (and still is) so flexible and wonderful and etc. Bring in dd#2, severe adhd and si. Really needs structure to succeed. Have totally had to retrain ourselves as parents. Bring in fs who will be ds, he will need a lot of structure and routine. It is exhausting - but the behaviors are even more so when you don't have the structure!

[CaddoRose]

Our DD came to us at 18 months old and now 9 months later we are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and it isn't a train! She is getting it and I am with you on the exhaustion. Only advice I can give is that once you have told him "wear the black shoes"( or whatever) and he chooses to do something else, there should be no talking on your part. He should get the consequences right away. If you need to, use a chart so he can see he is losing his TV time, video game time, etc. On a chart you can make a pic of each item that he can do everyday and each time he crosses the line, he loses something.

On the other hand, also use a chart for rewards, so that when he does do what you say, he gets the reward right away and can see it. You can decide what the rewards are for your child, but the rewards need to be extra things and don't take those away for his behavior.

If he normally gets 30 minutes of TV time each day and as a reward he got an extra 15 minutes, he could lose the TV time for the day, but the extra time would be applied on a day he hasn't lost the regular TV time. Does that make sense? Actions speak louder than words!

[Lorraine123]

Does he have Oppositional Defiant Disorder? Children with ODD feel that they need to control evey aspect of their lives. Think about giving him choices instead of directives. "Please put your bowl in the sink or in the dishwasher". Choices are less likely to trigger his ODD. Also, you don't want to challenege him about everything. At this point you should be working on building a relationship. He has only been with you for 3 months. That isn't long. Does it really matter which shoes he wears (or for that matter, if he even wears shoes). Don't set up a challenge that you are not ready to fight to the end. But remember - every minutes arguing and challenging each other is one less minute spent attaching.

[sunnyrobins]

Thanks for the posts!! It is nice to be able to share with other parents who understand. Just reading your posts helped me to re-energize a bit. Trying to figure out another way to say something or expain something to him so that it makes an impact is tiring. What I think I was struggling with the most yesterday is that it would be much easier just to let things go but we try to use each incident as a chance to teach him and guide him so he understands the "why" behind the rule or expectation.

Thanks again!

I now have a question to those who use charts but will start another thread for that one

[CaddoRose]

We like to explain too, I suppose it's my need to have them understand the reasons why.I want them to develop some common sense and know why things are the way they are. Along with the 2 yr old, we also have a 12 yr old. I learned to explain at a different time rather than when the child was in need of discipline. This way, the talking did not get in the way, the discipline was carried out, the child gets time to calm down and then I could explain why.

[mommytoEli]

the need to explain is a lost cause in our home. those "teaching moments" take more out of me than she gets. lol. sometimes i think her knowing why it is important to me that she do something, is just more ammunition for her not to do it.

[timdebj]

We have adopted two children and they both were very good at testing boundaries. I would highly recommend getting the book, Parenting Hurt Children. It is a great book and explains the though process when a child is brought into adoption/foster care. It helped my husband and I to understand the behavior was not testing but trying to control their environment the only way they know how. It also helped us realize that anger is always fear based and we know when we see these behaviors we try to address the fears and insecurities. It is a difficult road but well worth the efforts!! Take a deep breath and remember it isn't about you!

[chloroxsis]

Here's my plan. It may fall apart, but I can see it possibly working.

Call a Family Meeting. Post signs "Family Meeting in Kitchen. Discussion of Rules for Parents and Children"

Then ask the child to be the secretary. Write the rules.
#1 - Do what is asked the first time. Reward: Two beans or stickers. Consequence: Lose two beans.

#2 No Yelling: Consequence: Child: Lose two stickers. Mom - Two stickers to the child.

Then make the stickers, beans, coins or whatever worth something that does not actually cost money.

20 beans = 15 minutes added to bedtime
30 beans = Going first on Family Game night
75 beans = Choosing a fun activit for Saturday or having a friend overnight or for dinner

Everyone likes to be asked. Everyone wants to have a say. So, just help your child feel he has a say. It can be your idea or rule, but help him think it's his.

[CaddoRose]

Chloroxsis, this sounds like a good solid plan. Let us know how it works!

[soupnazi]

In addition to parenting the hurt child try this one...it's my bible.


Amazon.com: Parenting With Love And Logic (Updated and Expanded Edition) (9781576839546): Foster Cline, Jim Fay: Books

[sunnyrobins]

Yes, great book! I also found Brothers and Sisters in Adoption to be a great resource too. I originally got it thinking that it would be more about nurturing the relationships of siblings but there was SO much more to the book. Parenting with Love and Logic is also a great read. Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew is a great one too. 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child by Jeffrey Bernstein Ph.D - There are a lot of useful tidbits of info and ideas in this book.
We do weekly family meetings too. I know that in the end the consistency does work and it will provide him with the security he needs in knowing what to expect. I learned the hard way that giving up on the consistency when met with resistence or when I feel like it isn't working does not pay off - our oldest proved that to me. I also have recommitted to yoga. I had let it go because I felt it took too much time away from fam time (an hour a class twice a week). But I decided that one of the fam meetings can be on Thurs. nights after yoga. It seemed to go well last night so I think it will work for us.
Thanks again for the encouragement and understanding of feeling exhausted