[Rinata]

I have chosen not to adopt my fs and I do feel that it is the right thing to do by him. The only thing is, I just got the homestudies of the families being considered and the staffing is less than 2 weeks away. While I still feel I made the right choice, I also feel sad about him leaving. I've tried my hardest to keep my feelings at bay, but now I have a feeling it's not going to be easy to let him go. I'm gonna miss him. I have decided which family I plan on voting for and feel that they are a better fit for him and his needs. So why do I feel sad the more this moves ahead? He's so little, he'll turn 3 right before the staffing, and I've talked to him a little bit about a new mommy and daddy for him. He just kinda looks at me like I'm crazy and don't know what I'm talking about. My pastor says I have to have the mind set of Hannah, she knew that Samuel was only going to be hers temporarily and so she had to make the most of her time with him. It's gonna be hard!!

Has anyone else ever gone through a similar situation?

[akg1229]

If it's possible some families are willing contact with former foster parents. My husband and I have always made that clear when doing the adoption search, we believe all bonds should be encouraged when they are healthy. Maybe just asking for monthly visits would be okay?

[rkirby40]

We are getting ready to go the same thing. Our fs will be 10 in Nov. It may not be as difficult since he is older but it will not be a piece of cake. We also would like to continue contact if the new parents agree. We like to look at as an aunt and uncle or some sort of extended family. I appreciate the advice your pastor gave to you. Thanks for sharing.

[Rinata]

The only thing is in this situation, all of the families being considered are out of state. Two are 3 states away and the other is on the coast. I live in MO so I don't think actual visits would be something possible. I would like to at least get an update around Christmas each year. Since his birthday is right before Thanksgiving, maybe they would be willing to send a card and an update of what all he has done for the year. I don't want to butt in too much, since I assume they wouldn't want the intrusion. My other foster kids were here only short term, not more than 6 weeks and so it was easier to have them leave.

[DannieAS]

I personally don't think asking for an update once a year is bad....

But then again I'm one of those that love to send out picture Christmas cards out to friends and acquaintences so it's something I would definately do if foster family would express an interest in that.

[Shelly77]

We are adopting a 9 year old and maintaining contact with the foster parents is key for us. We will be closer than you will likely be but as an adoptive-parent-to-be I would think it was excellent if you wanted updates and maybe a few picture exchanges a year.

[JJemail1]

Hi there,

I'm in your exact position with one difference: I'm the adopter of a 2.5 year old who has been fostered from infancy by his foster parent who decided not to adopt.

I can relate to all of your worries -- I have the opposite worries: will foster mom really be able to let him go or will she change her mind just as we're set to move him in? will she help him transition (showing him our album, helping us learn his routine/favorites/any special needs/etc.)? will she keep in contact after the final transition?

As an adopter, I can tell you that I think most (not all, but I imagine most) adoptive families are sensitive to the idea of "existing bonds" and that children will only gain from feeling like their family connections have not just suddenly disappeared forever. Furthermore, from a caseworking standpoint, continued contact with foster parents is the best case scenario for children like this--it's not like bio parents where there may be safety factors that make an "open" adoption unrealistic or unhealthy. So in my opinion, I think you should definitely voice your desire to keep in contact (and you can outline that it can be as simple as talking on the phone a few times shortly after the transition and updates once a year). I personally will be willing to do that and more when it comes to the little one we're currently visiting prior to adoption.

I wish you the best. You are a special person to be able to do this.

Jennifer

[chloroxsis]

I'm hoping to adopt an 8-year old girl. She has been in her foster home for 2½ years. In my heart, I want her. I've worked hard for her for the past four months. But my first prayer is that her FM would change her mind and keep her. I think that is the best for her. (It would break my heart, but at the same time, I'd be so happy.) I do think I'm the second best after her foster mom, if she keeps her decision.

I desperately want her to keep in touch with her FM. I will teach her that she is the product of many lives: her BMom, FMom and me. And where others have a family tree, she is blessed to have a family orchard.

I think you should ask if anything has changed since you decided that you did not want to adopt. If it's just you realized how much you love him and you want him, then I think you should speak up. If you know you are not his home, then you should ask for continued contact. Some calls, some letters, etc. As an adoptive parent, I'd be so grateful, I'd want to keep in touch. Plus, I'd want your input when he does something I don't understand.

Share your thoughts. You might have an adoptive mother on the other end...thinking just like me!

Good luck!

[mom2fabtwins]

I had a brother/sister placement for 17 months and chose not to adopt them. The girl needed a dad and I am single. I had the boy for more than 1/2 of his life. Their adoption was final 2 weeks ago and although it was hard to let them go, i know they are in a GREAT place. They have been gone for 7 months and I have seen them 3 times. I will always be here for them, but I have to keep in mind that I do remind them of their bp. Something they don't always want to handle.

[ScrapMonkey]

We've had our 4yo fs for two years and we knew from day one we would not be adopting. We took him as a fegular foster placement with the understanding he'd probably go home to dad. Well, you can guess how that worked out. Then Grandma fell through. Now he's preparing to go out of state to some relatives who plan to adopt. He's a good kid but he makes me want to do this several times a day:

Two years. It's a long time to then not want permanancy with him. But we have never let anyone think differently. And we have advocated for him like CRAZY, therapy, etc. He's come such a long way. We're anxious for his permanancy... just not with us.

[Rinata]

I am so glad I am not the only one that feels the way you do. My fs while he can be a sweet kid when he wants to, especially when we are around other people. He can be very difficult at home. Not every day is like that but enough that I'm always thankful when bedtime rolls around. I still want him to have the best that life can offer him, but as a single mom I think raising one son is enough for me.