[Kedu]

Not sure if this is the right forum:

P (13 months old) has been with us for a little over a month now as a preadoptive placement. He had been in care since birth. His biological mother had died unexpectedly several months ago. A few weekends ago his biological father died suddenly. TPR for P's biological father had been ongoing at the time of his death. It's looking like P will be declared legally free in a couple of months and we'll be able to finalize during the summer.

I know we should talk about P's adoption with him early and often. My question is how to go about sharing P's adoption story with him as it regards his biological parents and their deaths. As part of his bedtime routine I name for him all the people who love him and I mention L and K in heaven love him, too. As he gets older, I was planning to go the route of L and K loved you very much but they weren't able to keep you safe. because they weren't able to make safe choices. All children deserve to be safe so a judge/social worker made you part of our family because we could keep you safe and because we so wanted a son just like you. And then go on from there with meeting him for the first time, etc. Is that OK?

I'm not really sure how much information to give about his parents' deaths. I saved the obituaries of both parents and P's social worker is working on getting hold of photos of him and his sibling with his birthfather. We sent flowers to his BD's funeral in P's name. I'm guessing I need to wait and see what questions he has. I don't want P to idealize his birthparents, which I think is more likely since he'll never be able to meet them, because they really made some poor choices in their lives. However, I want to present a positive picture of them because they are his birthparents.

Any advice?

[DreamingAzure]

The basic outline you gave was pretty good

I would suggest that you focus on developing a story that is factual, true, and neutral. I wouldn't force a positive spin onto it.

I know several people who were raised with the idea that their BioParents were these wonderful loving parents who "just made some bad decisions". They were devistated to learn as teenagers/young adults that their Bios weren't what their parents had made them out to be.

[Kedu]

Originally Posted by DreamingAzure

I would suggest that you focus on developing a story that is factual, true, and neutral. I wouldn't force a positive spin onto it.

I know several people who were raised with the idea that their BioParents were these wonderful loving parents who "just made some bad decisions". They were devistated to learn as teenagers/young adults that their Bios weren't what their parents had made them out to be.

Thanks. I didn't think about that. I'll make my goal to be neutral rather than force the story to be positive.

[DoYaReallyThink]

Do you have pictures of the birth parents? Our 12 yo whom we are adopting sometime in January has their pictures in frames in her bedroom. Her birth father died when she was young. We have many conversations about him and her Birth mother and sometimes we are looking at those pictures. Let's face it, if it wasn't for them the kids wouldn't be here. We keep everything respectful about her birth parents and even our other fd's birthparents. We talk about the history and life she has had. Honest and open is our rule. If you place their pictures in his room then you can always start young about talking about them to him.

[Pepperminty]

I think that factual and neutral are the way to go, too, although sometimes I wonder how to phrase things in just that way for our situation.

About the photos, I think for me it might depend on how well the child knew the parents that he lost.

Our son never lived with his birth parents, so putting photos of them in his room might seem like a daily reminder to him that he "wasn't ours" than a tribute to people he remembers as involved in his life.

At the same time, they are his parents, so we do have photos and he does have access to them in his photo album, as he has access to all the photos of his life before we came into the picture.

For children who'd lived with birth parents and had some positive memories of them, I would let them decide. If they wanted to have the photos out, great, but if they want them in an album or put away, that's fine, too. I think they might change their minds a few times as they grow older, too. To be on the safe side, I'd be sure I had extra copies in a safe place in case anything happened to the ones that are out on display.