[stevenstwin]

Sorry if I was harsh, so I'll tell you where I'm coming from....I have a FS who was forcibly separated from his siblings. Here is the situation -they are biologically cousins, NOT sibs so our particular caseworker saw no necessity in following the usual procedure of keeping them together. Problem is, he raised those kids from the time they were born until they were taken into care (he was 14, they were 2 and 3). Losing his parents, and then losing his brother and sister has devastated his life. He's 18 now, and still badly, deeply hurt by this loss (they've been adopted and he doesn't get to see them). I'm sure that it is traumatic for them as well, although they may not remember him as well, HE was the only one they were bonded with. They did not even know who their parents were. In all honestly, there are occasionally reasons for splitting sibling groups - the ones I know of are cases where one sib has abused another, families that are too large to all be placed together, or sometimes siblings who've never met. But I hope you can see the incredible pain it can cause to split them up for any reason other than necessity.

[jcm]

Just wanted to apologize. I went to bed last night after replying to your post, and had a lot of trouble getting to sleep. My reply seemed very mean spirited , and that is not who I want to be!

I don't want to scare you off, because you will get LOADS of helpful info from this board, where everyone is very decent to one another. Good luck to you!

[Lorraine123]

When I began this process, I was totally ignorant of how the foster care system works. I was under the impression that there are zillions of kids in the system and if any of them found a family, that was great. Honestly, I truly thought that I could "pick and choose". I inquired about quite a few children that were part of a sibling group. At that time, I thought that providing a family for one of them was better than none of them.

I now know the flaws in my initial thinking. I now better understand the loss that these children go through. But I never thought of these children as puppies from a litter or a used car. I just wanted to increase my family size.

Don't flame this potential parent. Educate instead.

[mbarilla]

Thank you to all who responded to my post. Let me first say that I did not intend to offend anyone, just learn information. Yes I am new to the process and would appreciate if you refrained from responding rudely. I asked only because there was a child who has already been separated from her siblings and it sounded as if she could be adopted. I was concerned that she would be separated from them but was also thinking that I could give her a great home. I was not intending to rip her away from her family or pick a litter of puppies or merchadise as some of you stated. I understand this whole process is difficult and I was hoping to have support, not hatred. Thanks to all who were helpful and polite.

[MamaS]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

When I began this process, ... I was under the impression that there are zillions of kids in the system and if any of them found a family, that was great.... At that time, I thought that providing a family for one of them was better than none of them.

I now know the flaws in my initial thinking. ...

So, "All" is best, but "None" is better than "some" or "one"?
I wonder if the children in foster care for life would agree with that? I ask because I had friends in my church who were set to adopt two of a sibling set of three -- a 15 year-old girl, and a 13-year-old girl but not their 8-year-old brother who was autistic, epileptic, non-verbal and violent. The family had been in foster care for over four years and the girls wanted the adoption but the CW said that the PAP must adopt the boy to get the girls because otherwise the county would be "Stuck with paying for him" for the next ten years. The PAPs felt they could not cope so the girls remained - with their brother - in foster care.
When the oldest aged out and left the foster home she chose to live with the PAPs. Because of this, she was not allowed contact with her sister and the second girl began to run away and to self-mutilate and finally ended up in a locked psych ward. The PAPs hired a lawyer for her when she turned 18 and got her released to her sister's care. The boy, still in a foster home, died of a seizure at the age of 14.
I have heard the oldest girl - now a grown woman - speak frequently and negatively about CFS in general. She is a supporter of the "One Church, One Child" movement and encourages adoption.
Of course, this is only one family's story and I would be interested in hearing any other stories from people who preferred a life in foster care with their siblings to an adoptive placement.

[cecegarrett]

Sorry if I came across as rude or hateful. Best of luck to you on your journey.

[Lorraine123]

MamaS - Thats not what I meant at all. If the siblings need to be separated, then I think they should be. I was referring to my own ignorance at the beginning of this process. I knew NOTHING about foster care. I actually called and inquired several times about just one of a sibling pair that I saw on a photolisting, simply because that child fit the profile I was looking for. I quickly realized how wrong my initial thinking was. I could have seen myself asking this same question as the OP. I just saw her getting hammered and it occurred to me that I could have done the same thing. Thats all.

[la vida loca]

It is the single greatest tragedy of my daughter's life that she was separated from her siblings. (I don't say that lightly because she almost died at the hands of her first parents, and when she was returned to them she endured unimaginable abuse and neglect before being removed again.) The wish she makes at every birthday is to have her sisters back.

[momraine]

I really think that each case is so different. The best interest of the children need to be considered, but so often that is not the case. However there are many working to change the system and lots of parents doing their best to help thier children. I know a pair of sisters who adopted a large sibling group. Neither could take the whole group so they split them. So now they are legally cousins, but they still call each other brother and sister. They are together at church, school and all holidays. Yes, it would have been great if they could have been raised in the same home, but they are at least being raised as together as possible. I know of other situations where one child was abusing the other and they must be separated. Rather than a hard and fast rule, it really needs to be what is best for the individual child.

[sandysis]

Can someone explain what "One Church, One Child" movement is?

thanks.

[MamaS]

One Church, One Child started in the AA community but it has spread to others. The general idea is that if one family in each church in the US adopted just one child from foster care, that all the waiting children in the US would have homes.
(There are about 300,000 church congregations in the United States.)

[jp4ga]

In my 10 years of working with Foster to Adopt and Adoption of sibling groups I have only seen 1 group split. The group of 4 was split into 2 groups of 2 and were adopted by Sisters. They are now being raised in the same town and get to see thier siblings often but are being raised as cousins not siblings. It happens but is a rare thing.

[CaddoRose]

Originally Posted by mbarilla

Thank you to all who responded to my post. Let me first say that I did not intend to offend anyone, just learn information. Yes I am new to the process and would appreciate if you refrained from responding rudely. I asked only because there was a child who has already been separated from her siblings and it sounded as if she could be adopted. I was concerned that she would be separated from them but was also thinking that I could give her a great home. I was not intending to rip her away from her family or pick a litter of puppies or merchadise as some of you stated. I understand this whole process is difficult and I was hoping to have support, not hatred. Thanks to all who were helpful and polite.

If the child is already separated and is in a different foster home than the other kids, then they did that for a reason and yes, it is possible they want that child to be adopted by a different family. If you are interested, just go into it knowing that there could be serious reasons the child has been placed separately.

[stevenstwin]

I don't think anyone was "rude" or "hateful" to you! You have to understand that people are going to disagree sometimes (okay, a lot) but interpreting that as rudeness or hatred is just going to lead you to get your feelings hurt a lot. but I'm not quite sure I understand your situation - she is listed as part of a sibling group, but she is currently separated? I've never seen that - but I'm guessing that the first step is to find out WHY she has been separated. Maybe just a lack of homes large enough to take all? But if she is in a home by herself and her siblings are elsewhere, consider the range of possibilities - she might even be required to be in a home with NO other children at all.

Originally Posted by mbarilla

Thank you to all who responded to my post. Let me first say that I did not intend to offend anyone, just learn information. Yes I am new to the process and would appreciate if you refrained from responding rudely. I asked only because there was a child who has already been separated from her siblings and it sounded as if she could be adopted. I was concerned that she would be separated from them but was also thinking that I could give her a great home. I was not intending to rip her away from her family or pick a litter of puppies or merchadise as some of you stated. I understand this whole process is difficult and I was hoping to have support, not hatred. Thanks to all who were helpful and polite.

[JackieN]

When my adopted nephew entered foster care at age 3, he and his two brothers (ages 5 and 7) were placed in 3 separate foster homes because there weren't any homes available to take all 3. When their cases moved to adoption a year later, they remained in separate homes even though the plan was to adopt them out together. Unfortunately, since it is so difficult to place 3 children in the same home, eventually the caseworkers moved on to easier cases and they were left to languish in foster care. When my sister got my nephew as a foster child at age 8.5 (5.5 years after entering the system and 4.5 years after becoming adoptable!), he had been in multiple homes and had emotional problems from the many moves. When my sister initially inquired about adopting him, she was told that he had to be adopted with his brothers, even though by this time they had only seen each other a handful of times in over 5 years! She persisted and was eventually able to adopt him at age 11 (she couldn't take all 3). Sadly, his two brothers aged out of foster care at age 18 and, last we heard, had been shuffling between jail and homelessness.

It breaks my heart that my nephew had to suffer for over 5 years without a forever family. It breaks my heart even more that his 2 brothers never found their forever family. It seems, at least in their cases, adopting them out separately when they were young would have been the better of the two options.

This was nearly 13 years ago, so I don't know how the system works today. I hope that it either A) has more resources available to find siblings permanent homes together or B) has better guidelines on when to give up the attempt and let the kids be adopted separately. Separating siblings is sad, but never being adopted at all is just heartbreaking!

If the child you are interested in is already separated from her siblings, it may be simply because they don't have a foster home available to take them all. And it may be that the social worker has realized (or is beginning to realize) that adopting them together is an impossibility and will let the child be adopted separately. It never hurts to ask. Had my sister not asked about adopting my nephew (and persisted when the answer was "no") he likely would have shared a similar fate with his brothers.