[DoYaReallyThink]

M came to us as a respite case. She has been here ever since. She is from a disrupted adoption. The "parent" got pregnant and decided not to adopt her after all. Long story short our dd that we are to adopt in January just said she did not want her to be a part of our family. She is use to being the only one but she says she wants siblings. Just not M. What is your impression.

[Shelly77]

I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to say that I hope it gets better for you and you get some good advice.

How old is AD? Is she old enough to really tell you how she's feeling and why?

[DoYaReallyThink]

Oh sorry! Our soon to be AD (January) is 12. M came at the beginning of this month. Has correctable (so far) behaviors that gets easier each day. Our AD tells us this but can not put a finger on why she feels this way.

[peregrinerose]

I personally would not allow a child to make the determination of adoption or not of a sibling. Especially a child who's already had a disrupted adoption due to a sibling (the pregnancy).

I'd go through family therapy to help her work through her anxieties regarding the next adoption so it's clear you're not disregarding her feelings, if you want to pursue adoption.

[crick]

The only thing I'd wonder about is if there is any sexual abuse background with M and if there is any chance that anything happened? Even a 6 year old with a background can touch someone older to make them uncomfortable, kwim?

So guess what I'm saying is if she seems uncomfortable at all and just can't seem to "put her finger on it", I would want to know more. Take her out for ice cream or hot chocolate etc. one and one and just kind of talk about things.

If it's simply a case of 12 year old attitude, hormones and "GAWD! M is just sooo annoying" type stuff, then I think usually that stuff just takes time.

[anilorak13ska]

Crick's point about possible abuse is a good one. That possibility aside, though, I agree with peregrinerose.

My parents wanted to adopt initially, but costs prevented them, so they had me (this was in Poland). Then 10 years later, a couple of years after immigrating to the US, they had my sister and a year later my brother. Throughout, money was tight, and they had no idea about the possibility of adoption from foster care bc this was not the system in Poland, and as new immigrants they didn't know about it.

A few years ago, my mom expressed an interest in adoption again. I was very excited about it, as by this point I was trying to adopt myself. She inquired once about a sibling group of 5 orphaned kids in Poland, but no one ever got back to her. They were interested in donations, not in the kids leaving the country, I guess. Adoption is not that popular in Poland, especially of older kids and especially of a big sibs group. So those kids ended up in an orphanage for sure, though supposedly they were trying to keep them together. When my mom first told me about this, I was very excited about the possibility of having more siblings this late in the game!

But then my mom informed me that she would not be pursuing adoption as long as my younger siblings were in the home, because neither of them wanted to have to share her or the house with other kids. She wanted to respect her existing kids' wishes, but I thought she missed an opportunity to teach my siblings about being selfless and seeing the bigger picture.

So unless there is a concrete reason why your 12 yo doesn't want this specific child to join your family, DoYaReallyThink, I wouldn't base your decision on her opinion. I think the idea of therapy to make sure she doesn't feel ignored is a good one.

[dachshunds4you]

New FD has been with you only a few short weeks. Could it simply be jealousy? Sharing your attention with another child can be hard on any age kid.
How do you feel about M? Are you thinking about adopting her?

I would give your soon to be AD some time to get used to her being around.

[DoYaReallyThink]

I wish I knew how I felt. I feel like I am always waiting for something to happen. Like she is being phoney. Like something bad is coming. I know that doesn't make since, right? DH isn't feeling anything positive with her either. He always falls head over heels with any kid. He says he doesn't feel at ease with her. If I wouldn't have asked AD how she felt we all wouldn't have spoke to each other because we all thought we were the only ones feeling this way. I feel disgusted with myself that I can not bond with this kid. We do things with them both together and seperate for 1 on 1 time. I cuddle with her. Read her books for bedtime. I got nothing! Just the feeling of dread.

[lakin11]

I'd say with all three of you feeling something not positive, that this child is not the right one for your family. Are they looking for another adoptive family for her?

[rkirby40]

I understand how you feel. We are in a similar situation with a 9 yr old boy. We have 3 sons the oldest is adopted from Korea. He has always been our first born so to say and no one has ever thought of him as any different. When we decided to foster/adopt we included all of our sons in the decision making process. They are 9,8, and now 7. When we agreed to fst/adopt our current placement everyone was excited. He was very welcomed into our home first with respites and then moved in now 5 mnths. He is actually 8 days older and a whole immature. He and my first child but heads all the time now. Major issues have arose and we decided not to adopt him. since this decision everything continues to go down hill. we have told him and the cws that we will work with him until an adoptive family is found. they are searching. My husband and I love kids. But I too cannot bond with this child who so desperately deserves a mother. We really would like to adopt again but this is just not the right fit. It is very emotional and hard to deal with.